“No one’s askin’ you to.”
“But if there was another man—”
“It wouldn’t make any difference.You’d still have your dream.”
“But not with Adam.”
“You’re not gonna have it with Adam anyway, girl.Adam’s dead.”
I felt the sting of her words and wasn’t sure whether I was more upset by the words themselves or the way she’d said them.I could have sworn I heard impatience in her voice.I’d never heard that from Swansy before.
Sensing my distress in the silence, she reached out and slid a withered hand to my knee.“It’s the truth, Jillie.You know it as well as I do.You just won’t accept it.”
“I accept it,” I argued.“I’vehadto accept it.I’m the one who’s missed him for six years.I’m the one who’s made dinner for one and then spent my evenings with no one to share the news of the day.I’m the one who’s gone to bed alone and woken up alone.Adam’s dead.Gone.More than anyone, I know that.”
“But you haven’t moved on.Think of what you were saying not so long ago to your Peter—”
“He’s not my Peter.”
“Well, he’s more yours than mine, since you were the one who brought him up here, and don’t try to distract me from the point I’m wantin’ to make, which is that you’ve got to do something more with your life.”
“More?More!Swansy, I’ve built an entire career since Adam died.Up to then, I hadn’t done much more than sell the occasional piece in a gallery somewhere.I’m having showings in New York now, and my things are selling as soon as they’re seen.Doesn’t that count fordoing something with my life?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Swansy said with feeling.“It sure does.But what about the woman in you?You’re a woman of feeling.There was more than a little of the romantic in you when you and Adam moved up here, and don’t tell me there wasn’t.”
“I won’t.”
“So where’s it gone?What’ve you done with it?”
“I’ve put it into my work.”
Swansy acknowledged that with a pause, then a nod, then a softly warbled, “Yes, you have.It’s one of the things that makes your work special and different and beautiful.You put your feelings into that clay.”Her voice grew even softer.“But what about the rest, Jillie?What about the rest of the dream?”
I swallowed.I knew just what she was thinking.She and I had discussed it often in the months before and after Adam died.We hadn’t discussed it in a long, long time.
Looking down at my hands, I said, “It’s not that important.I’ve been lucky with my career.It’s more than I could have asked for.It’d be selfish of me to think that I can have everything.No one has everything.”
“You wanted children.”
“I can live without them.”
“Why should you have to?”
“Because Adam’s dead.I wanted Adam’s children.”
“And if you’d fallen in love with another man before Adam, you’d have wanted that man’s children.You are a nurturer.I see it here.You nurture every one of us in your own special way, but it’s not the same as having children of your own.”
“I have all of you, and I have my career.I’m perfectly satisfied with that.”
“Are you?”
“Yes!”
“Then what is it about your lawyer that makes you nervous?If you’re perfectly satisfied with your life, how can he pose a threat?”
“It’s no bigthing.The man makes me nervous, that’s all.”
“Because you’re attracted to him, just the way you should be, and you’re feelin’ guilty, ’cause you’re still married to Adam, only Adam’s dead, so’s you have every right to be attracted to Peter, only you’re shaky like a young girl, and you don’t like that.”
