I didn’t comment. Couldn’t. He wasn’t saying anything my therapist hadn’t said back when I was seeing her, but coming from Edward, it held more weight.
The silence lengthened. Finally, worriedly, he said, “Are you there?”
“Yes.”
I heard the creak of the door when one of the cats came into the room. I heard Liam’s footsteps pass by on his way to the loft. I heard a coyote, distant but haunting.
I didn’t hear Edward. He was waiting for me to speak.
“Okay,” I finally managed.
“Okay, what?”
“Okay, speak.”
“I have been. I need to know what you think.”
“What I think is that you’re the one with the ideas, so you need to suggest one.”
“About…?”
“What to do next.”
“Is that interest?” he asked with what actually sounded like humor.
“Curiosity.”
He was silent. Considering. “Okay,” he decided. “Curiosity’s a start. I want to go public.”
“With ourrelationship?” I cried, scooting back against the wall and reaching for Hex or Jinx or whichever cat it was, black in the black. I clutched its little body to my chest. “You can’t. That’d spoileverythingfor me. People here can’t know what I did.”
“Would that be so horrible?”
“Yes!”
“They would understand.”
“But they’d know. And I’d know they did, so I’d be seeing it in theireyes whether it was there or not. I’ve thought this through, believe me I have, many times. You come to a new place, and you start making friends, and some of those friends become good friends. You want to share who you are, who youwere,only you’re afraid. I’m afraid, Edward.”
“I’d be here to help.”
“I’mafraid.” What more could I say?
“Okay. Then what if we kept the past a secret and dated? Just dated?”
“Which would surprise no one, given your performance tonight.”
“Performance?” he echoed, more amused than offended.
“Edward. You were glued to my side. I mean, talk about making a statement.”
“You were my guide.”
“Like you ever need a guide,” I said, but if there had been a smile in his voice, it was gone.
“I do here. We’re in uncharted territory. I don’t know what to do any more than you do. I know where I want to be, just not how to get there. And, by the way, in case you didn’t get it before, where I want to be is happy. Five years of grieving hasn’t brought Lily back. I loved her—we both did—during the time we had her, but she just isn’thereanymore.”
Maybe not. I couldn’t see her eyes in Edward’s right now, but she would be there in the light of day. Agreeing to what he said would mean opening a door and letting the agony in.
