“Maybe you’ll think about it and let me know,” he said.
Without giving an answer, Courtney looked at Susan. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
Susan swallowed, then stood. “Okay.” She slid her damp palms down the sides of her jeans and held out her hand.
Courtney looked up at the policewoman, who said, “You go ahead. I’ll bet Susan’s even better at pajama snaps than I am.” She held her hand, to which Courtney still clung, out to Susan.
“I’mgreatat pajama snaps,” Susan said as she took the child’s hand. Knowing that the policewoman would be gone before she returned, she mouthed a quick “Thank you,” then turned to Sam, who had risen also. “Why don’t you go down the hall?” she suggested softly, cocking her head in the direction of his mother’s room. “Courtney and I will take our time. We’ll go exploring. Maybe we’ll even find some hot chocolate and doughnuts.” She gave the child’s hand a playful tug. “How does that sound?”
Courtney made the same I-don’t-know gesture with her head and shoulder, but the neutrality of the response didn’t bother Susan at all. She was feeling an odd sense of control. And she was helping Sam.
He knew it and was grateful. After fifteen long years, he wanted to spend some time with his mother. There were things he wanted to say to her, whether she heard him or not, before she died.
Seeking a bit of Susan’s warmth, he curved his hand around the back of her neck. His eyes showed the thanks that he couldn’t put into either a smile or words. He did manage a small smile for Courtney because he knew how much she needed it. Then, with a knot in his throat, he watched the two of them head off down the hall.
His mother died late that afternoon. He’d been with her through most of the day and was holding her hand when her heart finally stilled. Aware of what had to be done, he forced himself through the business of arranging for the funerals. He spent a sad hour walking through the house he’d grown up in, then joined Susan and Courtney at his sister’s house, less than a mile away.
Late Thursday night, Susan reached Savannah at Jared’s. “I didn’t want you to worry,” she said after she’d explained where she was and why, but that was only one of the reasons she’d called. She felt as though her own life had taken a drastic turn. She needed Savannah’s levelheadedness and encouragement.
“I feel so badly for Sam. He’s crushed.”
Savannah, who loved Sam in her own platonic way, grieved for him, too. “How’s he handling it?”
“He hasn’t broken down and torn at his clothes, if that’s what you mean, but he’s in awful pain. It’s there in his eyes. Who wouldn’t be? He’s just lost both of his parents and his only sibling. And he’s become the father of a child who’s as upset as he is.”
“Does the little girl know the truth?”
“Sam told her tonight. He figured he had to, but I’m wondering whether it would have been better to have a priest do it. Courtney’s decided that Sam’s the bad guy in all this. She doesn’t like him very much, which doesn’t bode well, considering that she’s going to be living with him for the next thirteen years.”
“Then he’ll be bringing her back to Providence?”
“There’s no one else at all. He has some distant cousins; there are some on his brother-in-law’s side. But none of them know Courtney. None are even close enough to know what’s happened. And even if some one of them offered to take her, I doubt Sam would let her go. And he shouldn’t. She’s his sister’s child.”
Twirling the telephone cord around her fingers, Susan spoke in a loud, desperate whisper. “What am I going to do, Savvy? I’m not ready to be a mother. I have enough trouble wondering whether I can be what Sam wants, and now all of a sudden this little girl comes along. She’s adorable. I really like her, and she’s taken to me more than she has to Sam, for what it’s worth. But she’s achild,Savvy. She’s little more than ababy.I’mlousywith kids. What am I going to do?”
“First off,” Savannah said, “you’re going to calm down. You won’t be any good to anyone unless you do.”
“You don’t understand,” Susan went on in that same frantic half-whisper. “She has to be takencareof. I’m talking the most basic needs. While Sam was at the hospital this morning, Courtney and I came back here. I had to help her get dressed. I had to make her lunch. I had to figure out something to do to keep her busy. She needs help taking a bath and brushing her teeth and combing her hair. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Sam may not be thinking about it yet; he’s still trying to deal with the shock of the deaths. But I’m thinking about it. Courtney needs a room to sleep in. She needs clothes. She has to be enrolled in school. She has to be looked after while Sam’s at work, and you know what his schedule’s like.”
She paused to take a breath. “I mean, talk about putting pressure on a relationship. I’m not sure where I stand with Sam. He’s never mentioned marriage. I’m his lover. That’s it. His lover. So what happens to that, now that he’s an instant father? What am Idoing,Savvy?”
Savannah used the silence that followed as a buffer between emotion and reason. “What you’re doing,” she said slowly and gently, “is helping Sam cope with an incredibly frightening situation.”
“I’m scared to death myself. How can I possibly help him?”
“You did it today. You took care of Courtney. You might not know what to do with a child, but you managed today. She survived, didn’t she?”
“Barely.”
“Barely is better than not at all. The poor child must be feeling lost and lonely.”
“So am I. Sam’s sound asleep. We were up all last night, and today’s been a nightmare. But he sleeps while I sit here and worry.” She moaned, then muttered, “God, I need a drink.”
“That’s thelastthing you need. You have to be able to think straight.”
“I’m not sure that’ll help. I’m telling you, Savvy, I’m in over my head.”
“You are not. You can handle anything you set your mind to.”
