I grip the sheet tighter, pushing away from him. Niko’s arms fall away, even as his gaze locks with mine so intently, I understand that him letting me go doesn’t mean he’s allowing me to escape. Sudden fury rises in my chest, one that has nothing to do with my shadow. It is borne of the scars on my heart. Scars put there by Niko—scars carved by my own hand. By my fear and rage. By my love and loyalty.
“How can you say that to me?” I breathe the demand as if I’m breathing fire.
But Niko is death, and death does not cower from flame. He only plants his feet wider and stares me down, like he’s readying himself for battle.
“How can you offer up eternity when the last time you did, youleftme? You left just like every other person who’s ever loved me!”
To Niko’s credit, he doesn’t flinch back from my sudden anger. He only lowers his chin, bracing against what comes next.
“How can you evenwantit when all I have ever done is push you away and hurt you? For fuck’s sake, Niko…you told me youloved me, and I banished you to a prison world with your worst enemy!”
I shake my head, wishing the tears would end. Wishing itallwould end before Niko finds out what I’ve done to Sam; before he sees me for the monster I truly am, and I have to watch as the way he looks at me changes forever.
“I knew you were cruel, but this…this is the worst thing you’ve done. How dare you offer me hope of something neither of us has the capacity to give?”
The words pour from me like a wave, every hateful thing I’ve thought in my loneliest moments crashing down around us both. It is a familiar habit—to hurt something before it can hurt me—one buried far deeper than my shadow. I know this, and still can’t seem to stop myself from uttering the words I know will devastate him.
“I killed Sam.” A sword of truth to slice through whatever tether remains between us.
Niko goes deathly still.
“I—I killed him. I knew what he meant to you, I knew what he meant to Adira…And Iruinedhim.” I raise my chin, my lower lip trembling. “Do you still want to offer me eternity?”
I brace myself for Niko’s rage—he’s never reacted well to things being stolen from him. But he remains still, his expression unreadable. “No. You didn’t.”
My fear snaps like a fiery whip, and I hate him for trying to see through my horror like there is something redeemable living alongside my shadows. “Yes, I did,” I snarl. “I slashed straight through his skin, and left him bleeding on the floor. Iran,Niko, just like the coward I’ve always been. And then I let you comfort me, knowing I’d taken him from you.”
Niko bursts into motion, his death spiraling from him as he charges toward me. His face is cut in lethal lines as he leans in toward me. “Do you truly think I would just sit on my ass,simpering over the state of things, when Letum is threatened?” His voice is terrifyingly calm. “Do you really think you could appear on my doorstep…injured and bleeding and fucking terrified…and Iwouldn’ttrack down whoever fucking hurt you?”
“Ihurt myself!” I shout.
Niko lets out a humorless laugh and drags his fingers through his hair. “You’re capable of a lot of things, Willa…but stabbing yourself through the abdomen requires a feat of strength even you don’t possess. I saw the spear wound. I siphoned the poison out and cleaned you up. And after I was sure you were safe, I had Marina come sit with you while I went to find out what the fuck happened.”
I stare at him.
“Sam is not dead,” he says again, each syllable slow and punctuated.
I suffocate the small bead of hope his words elicit, shoving it down into the recesses of myself. For even if he speaks the truth, it changes nothing.
“What about the others?” I hiss. “You left your kingdom for me to protect, and all I’ve done is destroy it. I killed their dreams, and stole their lives. All to feed my own selfish darkness.”
Niko’s death slithers up around his throat. “As I said before, Darling…that darkness is not yours. Those deaths are not yours to claim. The island has been siphoning your humanity from you every time you’ve mingled your magic. That shadow is not of your making, and neither are its actions.”
It should be a relief, but instead, a scream traps itself in my throat and I nearly choke on my own fury. And perhaps it isn’t fury at all, but the same seed of fear that is at the root of all of my rage. Fear of what it means for the Carrion King to see to my depths and not turn away. Fear of giving him that power over me when I’d nearly been destroyed by it once before.
“I suppose you think me exiling you was also done by the shadow?”
Niko eyes flash with cold rage, and I know I’ve found the one thing he will not be able to reconcile away.
“It had nothing to do with magic or shadows or the fucking universe. That was all me, Niko. I sent you away and I thought it wasforeverand I wasn’t even sorry for it. I don’t think I caneverbe sorry for it.”
He cocks his head, his eyes narrowing to near slits. “Is that what you think I want from you? Anapology?”The word is a disbelieving laugh. “I don’t need a fucking apology, Willa.”
I open my mouth to snipe back, but he closes the distance between us in to cradle my face between his hands. And by the star, I should be ashamed of how much I want to lean into the decadence of his touch—of how quickly it unravels my fury and my fear into something far more dangerous.
Hope.
“Did I not just tell you I can takeallof you? I know you, down to the shadows of your heart and the shape of your bones. Since the moment you dropped into my life, I have seen every piece.” His eyes devour the sunlight streaming in through the bay windows, his ribbons untethered and wild. “I fucking love you, Willa. Every part of you…the pieces you deem too shameful, the ones you deem too weak…and the things you think too much. Do you understand me? What that means?”
