I bury my face between my knees, irrational anger prickling at the back of my neck. At Niko for dying; at Sam for his kindness; at the universe for its injustice and cruelty. “You don’t have to do that,” I mutter into the sleeve of my cloak.
Sam’s brows lift, before tightening in confusion. “Do what?”
“I don’t know…” I huff. “Be nice to me? Make me feel better? Thisismy fault. I deserve to feel like this.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, a rush of emotion floods my chest. How do I explain to someone in which kindness is innate, that any sort of softness feels like a mockery?
I shrugged off Sam’s compassion in the months following Niko’s banishment. I offered to send him through the wards; I tried to move out of the Lunaedon. Each time, Sam had patiently refused. At the time, I’d been too cowardly to ask why, because in my most selfish moments, I cherish Sam’s friendship.
But now, when I’ve just admitted to condemning his king to death at the hands of his enemy, there is no more pretending I’m deserving of Sam. The shadows in my chest start writhing furiously, sliding along my spine and wrapping around my lungs as I gather the courage to ask, “Why are you here, Sam?”
He glances at me in surprise.
“Why didn’t you go to the mainland with Niko?” I press. “Why stay here with me when all I’ve done is ruin everything?”
Sam releases a measured breath, stretching his long legs out in front of him like he’s grounding himself. “That’s a complicated answer.”
“Aren’t they all?” I mutter, to his snort of amusement.
“I suppose they are,” he cedes, his gaze drifting to the still waters of the lagoon in the distance. Dread curls in my stomach as I wonder whether the Aeternalis is still out there on the black sand, gazing up at this very castle.
How Pan must hate this monument to his usurper, the reminder of his end glittering eternally on the horizon of the kingdom he created.
It longs for me in a way it never will for you.
His words still cling inside my lungs like noxious fumes.
“I stay for a lot of reasons,” Sam says, drawing me from the spiral of my thoughts. “I have been to a hundred worlds, Willa…and this one is the only one that is home.”
His jaw tightens fractionally, his soft brown eyes flitting in a familiar direction—the one he stares out at every night: the Grove. “I stay because I will never again travel somewhere Adira isn’t.”
“Sam—” I begin, a flush creeping up my cheeks.
He shakes his head with a sad smile. “It’s okay. I know the secrets of my heart are safe with you.” He hugs me tighter, the lump forming in my throat choking off any response I could concieve. “I stay because I love Niko, and it’s what he would want.”
Fresh tears spring to my eyes, and I want to scream at the uselessness of them. Tears do not bring people back. Tears do not fix anything.
“I see what he saw in you. A ruthless heart that will do anything to protect what she cares about. So most importantly, I stay for you, Willa. Despite what you think, you do not ruin everything you touch. You have brought the island back to life and the mainland beyond it. It has been an honor to stand by your side as you do it.”
I shake my head, wiping furiously at my eyes. “You shouldn’t see that as something it’s not, Sam. I didn’t do any of that to be selfless or heroic. I only anchored myself to the island to save Niko the pain. I wanted to stay with him, and I…I wanted to be powerful—powerful enough to never let anyone hurt either of us again.”
“You don’t think sacrificing your freedom for eternity to spare the man you love pain is heroic? Or selfless?” The corner of Sam’s mouth twitches. “Someday, Willa, you’ll learn to see yourself as your kingdom sees you.”
I don’t think I want to know how the people see me. I am their savior who brought back the sun and raised their loved ones from the dead, and I am the usurper who banished their cherished king. Both bring me equal amounts of dread.
A siren begins to sing in the distance, and my dread becomes a physical thing. The songs have been dreamy and hopeful lately, but this one is different: it feels ominous. A foretelling of things to come.
“What did the Aeternalis say about Niko?” Sam asks gently.
The harrowing melody digs into my bones, drawing me upward. Only Sam’s arm around me keeps me anchored in place.
“He said something about the ninth circle of hell.” I worry my bottom lip savagely between my teeth. “And how—how Niko’s fate was befitting of treachery.”
Sam makes a humming noise, mulling over the information. “So he didn’t explicitly say he killed Niko?”
I hesitate. “Well, no, but…he knew things he shouldn’t have. Things Niko would have never told him, unless…”
I can’t finish the sentence. Not without the shadows seizing me once more; not without stalking back down to the beach and pulling the Aeternalis’ organs through that gaping hole in his chest.
Even that would not be enough to soothe the grief writhing inside me.
