This hunger will not be sated. It balloons behind my ribs, washing into my pool of magic like a morbid tide.More. More. More.
Something wet drags over my throat. I shiver despite its warmth, and again as it sweeps over my forehead. Pain erupts at the contact, and my eyes fly open to find the Aeternalis hovering over me. His eyes are closed in rapture, a moan vibrating from his blood-stained lips.
He leans in, licking at the few drops that have rolled from a cut at my forehead to gather at my brow. With a savage snarl, I wedge my feet against his chest and kick out, sending him flying off me. He lands with the agile spring of a cat, his expressionferal as his tongue swipes slowly over his lips to gather every last drop.
Pan throws his head back with a groan, his depraved excitement now evident in the tight pull of his trousers. But it isn’t only his twisted arousal that sends horror sluicing over me like an icy deluge. It is the sensation of being watched, heavy and pervasive.
For a moment, I believe it’s the little boy the Aeternalis had drained to keep himself alive. But when I turn there is no sign of the child. There is only a shadow lingering behind me, though the sun’s rays do not reach this corner of the cabin. My breath tangles in my lungs, and for a moment, I pray this is a dream—pray that I haven’t somehow allowed the shadows of rage outside of me.
But it is not a dream. The shadow lingers, silent and watchful, its malevolence seeping toward me. It is my own silhouette with any remaining softness sliced out, leaving only the darkest wants, the most depraved desires. It is unending rage and selfishness, a lifetime of hurting others before they could hurt me.
To look at the shadow is to glimpse the worst parts of who I am given form. Displayed openly for everyone to see.
No, no, no.
“Isn’t it lovely?” Pan purrs, rising to his full height. His own shadow shudders behind him, both of them watching mine with lecherous intent. “I must say, cousin…I’d imagined your depravity to be something splendid, but this…Thisis more glorious than even I could have imagined.”
Head throbbing, I climb to my feet, intent on keeping a wary distance from my shadow. But when I step, it does, too. It mirrors my every movement, and the slow panic of being trapped descends over me.
“How—how do I put it back?”
For my secrets and selfishness and want of power are acceptable hidden behind my bones, but here, in the open, they are infernal. No one will want me as their queen if they see the truth of me. No one will want meat all.
Pan cocks his head with predatory malice. “Your shadow is only your true self. You cannot hide it. You must embrace it.” He prowls toward me, and I measure his steps, nearly stumbling over an ottoman. “You nurtured it with your ruthlessness. You watered it with your cruelty. You warmed it with your selfishness. And now, it is yours to wield as you please. You will feed it with the power of others, and it will be your weapon with which to conquer worlds.”
A keening cry comes from the deck of the ship. Oh god,the children.
I hadn’t saved them from Pan’s control at all. They’re still here, trapped with not only his horror, butmine.Because at their cry, my shadow lurches toward the sound. Harrowing hunger ravages through me. I bite my lip to keep from crying out as it digs into magic, scrapes against my lungs, hollows out my stomach.
“You succeeded in severing my control over them, you know,” the Aeternalis says.
The words should be a comfort, but at his wicked grin, I feel only trepidation for what’s to come.
“Do you want to know how?”
A terrified part of me wants to shake my head and cover my ears, but I find myself nodding.
“I can no longer control any of the children in Letum, because they no longer dream. You killed every single one, Willa. Your shadow devoured them all.”
He drinks in the devastation crashing over my face with fervor, digging his teeth into his bottom lip.
Everything I’ve shoved down in the past year—the pasthundredyears—rushes to the surface. It tightens my throat, constricts my lungs, weighs down my limbs, until I’m drowning on dry land. Every breath is a painful wheeze and I sway on my feet. I stare at my shadow and it stares back, all of its terrible wants mirrored in the empty spaces of my chest.
A dry sob barrels up my throat, the familiar urge to escape pulsing through me.I can’t be here. I can’t be here.
I paint a sloppy picture in my head, with crooked lines and messy strokes. The children, safe on the docks. And me, far away from this ship.
The Aeternalis makes no move to stop me. He only smiles, and says, “You will be back, littlest darling. For I am the only being in the universe who will love your deepest shames.”
I push my magic outside of myself, and a moment later, I am collapsing to the floor of the Lunaedon. I kneel, pressing my forehead to the black parquet until the wound smarts and blood begins to pour freely once more.
I am no longer the woman who runs from pain—I am one who chases after it like it will cleanse me of the guilt, the shame, the self-loathing.
I ruined the only man I ever loved. And now, I ruined the world he gave his life for.
Why did I ever think I could save Letum when I’ve never once been enough to save anything? Not Celie, and not the thousands of children after her. Did I truly think a little magic would be enough to change who I am at my core? Did I truly believe that a small bit of light would be enough to balance the darkness inherent in me?
If Niko was the King of Carrion, perhaps I truly am the queen.
