She breathes out a defeated sigh. “Is that why you’re going back? Because you think that’s all you are? Death and ruin and pain?”
“Iamall of those things. Look at the world around us,” I gesture vaguely to where we last saw the shore of the mainland, with its crumbling infrastructure and dreary hearts. All caused by the jealous wants of my death, by my quest for vengeance and power. “It’s proof enough of the man I am.”
“You’ve always been such a masochist, Niko.”
I merely grin. “As far as I can tell, that was one of your most treasured qualities in me.”
She ignores my rancor, and I have to clench my fists at my sides to keep from turning away from the eager pleading in her eyes.
“You don’t have to be those things,” she whispers, the roar of the storm nearly drowning out her words. “You don’t have to beking. You don’t have to bear the weight of the world’s mistakes on your shoulders. You can choose to go anywhere through this ward.”
I examine her for a long moment, wondering which truth to give her. There are so many, layered atop one another until they are nearly indeterminable—the foremost being that I am choosing to go home, while having no choice at all. Since the moment I woke up in this starforsaken world, I’ve been driven both by my own ruthless determination and the incessant compulsion that lives in the darkest depths of my soul. It’s never been a simple matter ofchoice,but a matter of where my heart lives. It certainly isn’t inside my chest.
Magic no longer courses through my veins, but the covetous spirit of death still does. So, while returning to Letum is both a punishment and a penance, neither is the sole reason I’m going back.
I am going to take back what’smine.
I don’t say any of this to Wendy. I only ask, “Where is this coming from? A few hours ago, you were ready to have me killed by your thugs, and now, you’re worried for my safety? You’ll have to forgive my suspicion, but Ididjust slit your throat and stain your couch. I would assume you’d want to be rid of me as soon as possible.”
She shoots me a dirty look, before rolling her eyes back to the ward raging above us. It is a beautiful sort of violence, the remnant of millions of worlds radiating through the smallest pinprick. The storm surrounding it has grown larger, angrier, in the short time since we stopped the boat. Sunlight has begun to melt over the horizon like streaks of butter, and it won’t be long before the ward is fully open.
“I thought about what you said. About burning the world rather than letting someone you care about be hurt.” She tearsher eyes away from the storm to level me with a pitying look. “You’re going to do it again, Niko.”
I cross my arms over my chest, leaning back into my seat with cruel amusement. “And you’re going to play the little savior you always do and try to talk me out of it?”
To my surprise, Wendy shakes her head. “No,” she replies firmly. “It’s just a reminder that you don’t always have to tear yourself apart. You are worth keeping whole. You are worth more than your magic, more than your kingdom…and more than your past.”
Wendy means it as a kindness, but it feels more like an injustice as her words land squarely over my chest. Because my past, my kingdom, my death…all of them are carved into the marrow of my bones, laced into the beat of my heart and the rhythm of my lungs. I can no more extract myself from them than I can drain the blood from my veins. There’d be nothing left.
She’s seen the imprints they leave on the surface—my loyalty, my determination, my love—but she’s always remained willfully blind to what exists at the root of those things.
My chest suddenly aches so fiercely, I almost clutch at my shirt to relieve the pain. The expanding hollow of something that once existed—something that understood every part of me and did not balk.
Instead, I fist my fingers at my side, and tell Wen softly, “I will do my best to leave you out of it.”
Her brows lift. “You will?”
“Before I was king, before I was captain…I was Strayed. I know what it feels like to be torn apart day after day by the Everlasting’s love, and no matter the bitterness that lies between us, I am not so far gone that I would willingly wish that on anyone. On my kingdom, I promise not to tell him you still live.”
Wendy shoulders sag in a soft sigh of relief like the armor she’s held up since I arrived has uncoiled, and knowing what I do now, I understand it. My love had been her shield against the Aeternalis. Without it, she is vulnerable to his twisted affection if he were ever to find her again.
“I will keep your secret, Wen. For as long as I’m able.”
She meets my gaze, acceptance shining in her eyes. It does not change what we’ve done to each other, nor the things we will do in the future, but for the moment, it’s a tenuous truce.
Her gaze flickers to the ward. “It’s time.”
She restarts the engine, its hum lost in the howl of the storm. I hold my breath as the boat begins to move slowly into the towering wall of magic. Power, ancient and untethered, sparks against my skin like embers of flame, burning every bit of oxygen from the air. Across from me, Wendy closes her eyes, her hair dancing wildly around her head as the wind whips in violent circles. Thunder rumbles, so loud, my teeth vibrate.
A wave crashes against us and the boat lists, sending us both nearly tumbling over the sea-slick bulwark.
Though it’s been centuries since I’ve sailed, my balance at sea is innate. I steady myself, before hauling Wendy upward to shove her back into the seat unceremoniously.
My heart leaps in time with the magic pulsing in electric jolts, like each spark stops and restarts its beat. I have no ribbons in this world, but I swear an echo of my death pulses around me, answering the call of the ward. Another flash sizzles over the sky, and for brief a moment, there is nothing but light. Blinding, otherworldly, and entirely consuming.
It sears my skin, presses against my sternum and crushes my lungs.
A second later, the light winks out. I blink rapidly, coaxing the world back into view. The storm rages on all sides of us, but theboat is still in the water. I follow Wendy’s reverent gaze to the space directly above our vessel.
