We lie tangled for a few long moments, Niko trailing light kisses along my collarbones as my breath evens; as I settle back into my skin, feeling a thousand times lighter than I ever have. For he was right—I’ve been punishing myself for so long. For failing Celie, for never being able to cure the plague. For hurting him, for failing the kingdom.
I’ve always been paying an eternal penance for never beingenough.
But in the arms of the Carrion King, I find that I am. And not because he’s suddenly made me whole; only that he’s reminded me who I am beyond what the world tried to make me, the woman I’ve been afraid to be for too long. Beautiful, powerful. Vulnerable and angry and caring—and beneath it all, the girl who dreamed in the bellies of dungeons. Who hoped when there was nothing to hope for.
That is who the island chose as an anchor. That is who I need to be to lead the kingdom, even if it terrifies me to fail.
Niko picks me up, carrying me to the water. Together, we slide beneath the surface, the heat soothing the ache of my muscles asI finally choose to let my fears free, rather than allowing them to poison me.
“What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t win against the Aeternalis, Niko? What if—what if everything is ruined because of me? Will you still love me then?”
To my surprise, he laughs, his ribbons spiraling near his head to the cadence. “Do not waste my time with fictitious scenarios. Iknowwho you are, Willa, and I love every part of you. You can hide from yourself…from the world. But you haveneverbeen able to hide from me.”
His words are incendiary—like the spark of a flint—but I don’t burn beneath their light. Ishine.Because he’s right. Niko has always seen me, even when I didn’t want to see myself.
“It’s time you remember who are you, Darling,” he whispers onto my lips, his breath now mine. “Tell me. Tell me of the little girl who fought to survive.” The brush of a kiss against my jaw. “Tell me of the woman who faced down a king of death.” Another over my forehead, so light, I shiver. “Tell me of the Queen Who Dreamt. Who saved our worlds with only a brush of her mind.”
When he pulls back, his onyx gaze is fathomless. “Tell me of Willa Darling, so that when it is spoken, you will remember. And when you forget, I will echo it back to you. I will give you back yourself whenever it feels like she’s lost.”
“You already have,” I whisper back, my eyes fluttering shut. Fat tears stick to my lashes as something cracks open in my chest—something warm. “You always find your way to the truest parts of me.”
“Navigation in depthless storms…” he sighs. “That is my specialty as a captain. I’ve always been able to find my way home.”
I open my eyes. “And now? Are you home?”
I don’t know if I mean Letum, or if I meanme.But Niko does. He takes my hand and brings it to his mouth, brushing kissesover my knuckles. “You are adytum. You are true north. You are home. And no matter the span of stars or the violence of storms, I will always find my way back to you.”
I feel the truth of his words in the way he kisses me, and though it is far gentler than before, it is no less of a claiming.
“I love you,” I tell him, the words both the simplest and heaviest thing in the universe.
Chapter forty-three
There is a peace that comes with the acceptance of pain. We fight against it, brace for it, but the moment we stop, it becomes easier to endure. A tense body is far more breakable than a pliant one, built to absorb the impact rather than shattering against it.
It is how I feel as Willa and I settle back into life at the Lunaedon. The danger of Peter returning with his new Strayed looms above us, while the danger of the shadow lies in wait inside Willa. And though the threat of both has only grown over the past few weeks, for the first time, I allow myself to enjoy life where it has met me. Even the pain of my death has become more bearable, and not because it has lessened—but because I have chosen it.
The threats will inevitably come, but the universe has gifted me a second chance and I will not waste it. It is different than before, when I savored our every moment together because I knew they would be our last. This time, I cherish each momentsimply because they are ours—because I know that together, we will be able to overcome anything.
We spend our days strolling through Caelum hand in hand in the company of our kingdom. We laugh along with their merriment, and listen to their worries. We meet with the pixies to discuss the best place to hide the remaining morphellia vines, and stay late into the night to join one of their many revels.
We visit Sam in the Grove. Willa sits at his bedside, reading story after story, her voice mesmerizing us both with its rasping tenor. Sam looks healthier every day, in part, no doubt, because he’s quit being a stubborn ass and allowed Adira to tend to him once more.
And on the occasion we find a night free of duty, we retreat to the sanctuary of the Lunaedon. I play Willa song after song on the piano, with her tucked on the bench beside me demanding another, even after my fingers have grown numb and sore atop the keys. She never tires of consuming art, and I never tire of giving it to her, if only to watch the wonder light her face.
So, I oblige her every request, playing every concerto I can remember, and others that come to me only when I watch her.
And after I’ve satiated her want of music, I satiate my want ofher,taking her atop the piano. And I swear to the star above, the sound of her pleasure is a thousand times more melodic than any symphony.
For the first time in centuries, I feel like the king and the man I was meant to be. With the acceptance of my pain, I am able to see beyond my own hurt to shoulder another’s. They have all carried the weight of mine for so long—my friends, the kingdom, Willa—it feels almost decadent to be strong enough to bear even a fraction of their burden. To be blessed enough to return the friendship they’ve offered me when I was hateful and horrible and deserved none of it.
I no longer want to shatter the mirror every time I gaze upon my reflection to see death staring back. The monstrous black of my eyes, the sinful obsidian of my veins—it no longer feels like the curse it once did. Because how could I ever loathe the very thing that led me to Willa? Death is the only thing worthy of creation, and without it, I could not be hers.
So, I embrace my darkness with gratitude, just as I watch her embrace her own. With each passing day that she accepts a little more of herself—that she frees herself from shame—she pulls further away from the malevolent shadow’s control.
Tonight, I step out onto the balcony of the atrium to watch the last of the sun’s rays disappear behind the horizon. Stars appear above me, the swirling violets and indigos glowing above the island like paths to ancient worlds. I’d only ever been able to feel the chains of Letum. The regret. The stagnation.
But now, I see the beauty beneath the brutality—a world of wild adventure and lush majesty I’d give anything to protect, becauseshewill give anything to protect it. And I will be by her side as the villain I’ve always been to ensure she’s never forced to give all of herself. For Willa was born to be the true guardian of the land of dreams. And I—I was born to be hers.
