Maybe it will never be enough.
The thought stops me short and ice pours into my veins. What in the name of Darkness am I doing? Holding her as if I have any right to? It seems the selfish black hole inside me knows no bounds. She deserves someone clean and unbroken, someone worthy of her kindness. Not someone with a fragmented soul and a penchant for kidnap and murder.
“Shaw?” Confusion flickers across her face, followed by what I quickly realize is hurt. She thinks I’ve rejected her.
I curse and jump back, running a hand raggedly through my hair. I’m hurting her again and I don’t even know why I’m surprised. Failing everyone around me is the only thing I’ve ever been consistently good at. That and killing.
“Look, Mirren. We really shouldn’t. I’m…I’m not a good person.”
Her eyes harden and she pulls herself up straight, chin raised. A queen readying herself for battle. A thrill blazes through me. She is always ready for me, always strong enough to stand her ground. “I know what kind of person you are.”
Gods, you don’t. You don’t know the depths of blackness inside of me, the lengths I’ve gone.I’ve told her the deeds of my past and she forgave them without question. But she doesn’t know the deeds of my present. The way I’ve used her, the plans I had for her.
Suddenly, it seems imperative that she know. That she stop looking at me like I’m a man of worth and begins to see what I really am—a monster. She was right to name me so. Her folly was not believing it. “Mirren, there’s something—"
“May I cut in?”
My blood freezes and for a fraction of a second, I contemplate reaching for a dagger. Mirren’s eyes are on the man behind me, curiosity glittering. I whirl around, death written in every line of my body.I will kill him—
“It took me a moment, Mr. Shaw, because even I never assumed you’d be so bold,” Jayan says.
Mirren’s eyes flick to me, her brows furrowing in confusion.
“What. Are. You. Talking. About.” I grit out. I want to gut the little man and turn back to Mirren. To take her in my arms or push her away, I don’t know, but the need is suddenly staggering.
“To hide the Chancellor’s abduction from the People’s Council. You and yourfriendshave put Nadjaa’s safety at risk and it must be rectified at once. I’m calling an emergency assembly for tonight!”
Horror and panic war within me. How did Jayan find out about Denver? I force my voice to be calm, slipping into the dispassionate mask that used to come so easily. “There’s no need for an emergency meeting, Jayan. We’ve taken steps to ensure Denver is home within the week.”
His lips twist in distaste. “Oh, you mean the prophecy?” His watery eyes move to Mirren and cold dread sluices through me. “She who captures the sea in her eyes.I don’t know how you intend to destroy her, Mr. Shaw, but the people of Nadjaa can’t afford the cost of your games or whatever comes from silly prophecies.”
He crosses his arms, a self-satisfied smile on his lips. He thinks he’s won, that he’ll be able to negotiate Denver’s disappearance into taking the Chancellor’s seat for himself. There are so many reasons this can’t happen, so many things I’ve done so wrong in all of this. But right now, I can’t bring myself to care.
Because now Mirren knows it was her I was after. It wasn’t a chance meeting on the Boundary, and it wasn’t a half-cocked plan to gain entrance into Yen Girene. I journeyed to Similis. Blew a hole through a wall that has stood for a thousand years. And I would have stormed the city until I found her if she hadn’t run to me first.
All to destroy her.
I turn to her, desperation clutching at my throat, but she is already gone.
ChapterTwenty-Seven
Mirren
I tear through dancing Nadjaans frantically, with no thought of where I’m going other thanaway.Away from the small man with the smarmy smile who looks as if he’s been victorious in battle. And away from Anrai Shaw, whose entire body is lined with violence and whose lips I imagined on my skin just moments before.She who captures the sea in her eyes.Hadn’t Shaw said something about my eyes when we first met?
A hot wave of shame rises over me as I burst through a group of harried looking revelers. By the Covinus, I’d wanted so badly for him to kiss me—the man who was perfectly willing to hurt innocent people in order to destroy me.
Is that why he’s been so kind to me since that night in the cave? Because he figured out that the best way to destroy me would be to destroy my heart? And like a fool, I’ve made it so easy for him, practically shoving it into his hands on a silver platter.
I spot Max, slinking up and down a young man who looks as if he might faint with his good luck. “Max, I need to leave,” I tell her breathlessly. Hot tears well in my eyes and I bite my lip to keep them from falling. I will not cry.
She stops dancing immediately and straightens, her eyes assessing me. My gaze is desperate on hers.Please don’t ask me why.
She doesn’t. Dismissing her paramour with a casual wave of her hand, she pulls me toward the docks. “We’ll take the skiff. I can bring it back later to pick up…” she hesitates at the dark look on my face, “to pick up Cal.”
Max makes quick work of the knots as I climb into the skiff. Shame and anger mingle in my stomach as we set off across the silver water of the bay. I’m grateful Max doesn’t press as we make our way to the opposite shore. Despite her mistrust of me, I think she could be something like a friend if we were given enough time.
The skiff stops at the shore, the lantern denoting the manor trail the only light flickering in the darkness on this side of the bay. I climb out of the boat and turn to look at her. “Did you know?”
