I look at the lights and imagine my father’s eyes and wonder if the curse has taken the souls of my parents. Or if they even survived long enough amongst the Dark Worlders to be turned. There are no laws in the Dark World except one—do not kill. But there are plenty of other depravities that can be inflicted upon a person.
It doesn’t matter much either way, I suppose, but still, I wonder. And tonight, when my heart aches and I can’t catch a full breath, I allow myself to imagine what my life would be like if they had never been Outcast. If they were here to shoulder the weight of Easton’s sickness. To figure out how to fix it. To tell me I’m not alone if they couldn’t. Dangerous thoughts. But thoughts I can’t help.
“There you are.”
I turn and smile at Easton. He smiles back and something in my chest eases. Even if our world must change, it hasn’t changed yet. “I was starting to think you’d run off to avoid being Bound,” he says wryly.
“I was just up here thinking. And besides, there’s nowhere to run.”
Easton situates himself beside me. Though we don’t touch, his body is a warm comfort next to mine. “So,” he begins amicably. “Harlan Astor.”
My shoulders tense. When Harlan was announced as my life partner, there’d been an explosive boom of collective scandal that sounded eerily reminiscent of the one that shook the square. When Harlan climbed the stage, all creamy skin and golden hair, it was all I could do to look him in the eye and try to appear sorry for the way my stigma was already affecting him.
They pressed the Binding mark into our skin and as soon as we were dismissed, I threaded my way through awkward-looking partners toward the exit without so much as a backward glance.
“What about him?”
“You certainly could have done a lot worse for a life partner.”
“Well, I don’t think the girls in my year agree with you.”
“Ah, so you noticed that did you?” Easton says lightly.
“It was hard not to.”
“Did you consider it was out of jealousy?”
I frown. No, I hadn’t considered that at all.
Easton rolls his eyes. “Of course, you didn’t. I’m sure you were certain it was some all- encompassing statement about you.”
I glare at him, even though he speaks the truth. I rarely get out of my own way long enough to see that not everything has to be about being an Outcast’s daughter.
“Harlan is a good person,” Easton continues.
I shrug noncommittally. “I’m sure he is. I don’t really know anything about him.”
This is both the truth and a lie. I’ve never said so much as ‘hello’ to Harlan, but he’s been in my year for as long as I can remember, so I’ve gathered a few things. He’s eighteen, like me. He smiles easily, unlike me. And many of the girls speculated who he would be Bound to. I doubt any of them guessed it would be the girl with Outcast blood running through her veins.
“The Covinus doesn’t make mistakes,” Easton says confidently, and I can’t help the incredulous scoff that escapes my lips.
“The Covinus doesn’t make mistakes?” I repeat with disgust. “What about you, Easton? You don’t think what’s happening to you is a mistake?”
At the Binding Ceremony, a member of the Covinus had addressed the crowd, speaking of the perfect balance of our society and how Similis has eradicated war, poverty, and disease through upholding the Keys. I squeezed my eyes shut to keep from screaming. Disease has not been eradicated; it is alive and ravaging through my brother like a tidal wave only I can see. And if disease is living in our Community, when the Covinus says it is not, what else is thriving in the parts of Similis no one can see?
Easton looks at me with pity and I know immediately, it’s pity for me. Not himself. “Mirren, you can’t blame the Covinus for what’s happening to me. The Healer explained quite clearly that in usual cases, they can use the parents as a match. It’s not the Covinus’ fault our parents aren’t here.”
He’s right. It isn’t the Covinus’ fault that our parents chose breaking the rules over protecting us. It’stheirfault they aren’t here to heal Easton. My father’s eyes flash in my mind once more and I want to claw them out.
“You are going to go on to have a wonderful life with Harlan.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want togo onanywhere, Easton!” my voice is raised, and he eyes me with alarm. Anger could earn me sanctions, and while Easton has always given me grace when we are alone, his Similian upbringing still shines through. “I don’t want to just accept this or come to peace with it. I don’t want to do anything that confirms it’s real. That I’m going to be here and you’re not.”
Easton shrugs. “I can’t come with you when you’re Bound anyway, Mirren, and you shouldn’t want me to. You’re going to have your own life, with your own family. And if things were different, I’d have my own life, too.” His face grows tight for a fraction of a second, before it releases into its usual geniality. “You’d only see me at Community events. How is this much different?”
It’s different in so many ways, but they are ways I don’t have words for. Words don’t encompass the way someone feels like wrapping yourself up in a soft, worn blanket; in the way that they know you, fit around you. Easton is the only person in the world who knows me, and if there is no one to remind you who you are when the world makes it hard to remember, how do you hold on to yourself?
I don’t say any of this because it’s jumbled and ridiculous and I’m sure it’d make Easton uncomfortable. You aren’t supposed to rely on your family to tell you who you are; that’s what the Covinus is for. They will tell you that you’re a Similian citizen and that is the first, and most important, part of your identity. But Easton has always known the other, smaller parts of mine, and that seems to matter more.
