Blinded by rage, I lose focus, which results in my feet being swept out from under me. I land on my back with a thud. Peering up into the twilight, I see Ulf standing over me. He offers me his hand, which I slap away, and I stand on my own accord.
“You cannot be distracted. Not even for a second,” he says, eyes filled with concern. “We fight for ten men.”
On cue, an Irish soldier gets tossed onto the ground in front of us, moaning in pain.
Although grateful for their allegiance to me, I suspect half will be killed whilst the other half severely injured. Our army is weak. I have watched them train all day, a pleasant distraction from the thoughts in my head.
But now that Ulf has also mentioned the obvious, I see how dire things are.
I am walking these men into battle, knowing that most will not survive. Yes, this is the fate of every soldier who enters battle, but this feels like a massacre.
“I tire of warfare,” I confess, fatigue weighing me down. “I feel like I’ve been fighting my entire life. This battle, I hope, will be our last. I merely wish to live in peace.”
“There is no rest for a queen,” Ulf replies, reaching out and brushing two fingers across the apple of my cheek.
“You are right, which is why I don’t wish to be queen any longer.” My eyes follow Benedict as he fights alongside Aeden, teaching the men fighting techniques he easily learned today. “It feels like surrender, which is why every bone in my body protests. But what is life if you are constantly in battle?”
Ulf listens intently as he always does when we share a private moment such as this. It’s why I love him the way I do. Under his crass exterior, he is kind and attentive. He just doesn’t show it to anyone other than me.
Memories of his mouth on me assault me, and I feel my cheeks redden beneath his touch. He can read my wicked thoughts but doesn’t say a word.
“Why do you love me?” I whisper. “I have done nothing but put you in harm’s way. Yet you continue to fight with me, for me. You saved my children when you didn’t have to. You risked your life for me. I owe you my life. I do not deserve you. I do not deserve any of this.”
Ulf wipes away a fallen tear with his thumb before clasping my hand and leading me away from the men.
I welcome it.
We walk into the forest, the sky now kissed by stars. Ulf never releases my hand, and when we reach a large lake, he turns me toward him. Our gazes never waver from each other. Ulf traces his fingertip over the slope of my nose before brushing over the shape of my lips.
“I love you because you are a part of me and will forever be until the day I die. You are brave and honorable and only wish for good. I do not believe in this Christian concept of a soul, but if I did, yours would be pure. There has always been love in your heart for me, even when I didn’t deserve it.
“I have done some awful things in my life, yet you still look at me like I’m worth something.”
“You are worth everything to me.” I place my hand over his heart. “I love you because I don’t know how to stop. Is it wrong of me to love you both?”
“No one has the right to pass judgment on matters they don’t understand.”
“He will always have my heart,” I say, because, regardless of my love for Ulf, Skarth is the one I belong to.
“I know.”
“And you are okay with this fate? That if I had to choose, then I would choose him.”
Ulf nods slowly. “It has been this way from the beginning. I would rather be a part of you than no part at all.”
His honesty touches me, and I let my tears fall. “You deserve more.”
“Please do not insult me, ástin mín. I am a big boy. I know what this is.”
“You do? Please enlighten me, then, because I am in a constant state of confusion when it comes to you.”
“And that is the best type of love. Love isn’t meant to make sense. It didn’t make sense for you to fall in love with two Vikings when you’ve been taught since birth to hate them. Don’t question something inevitable.
“Just accept that we keep coming back to one another because your calm placates my chaos. And perhaps I do the same to you.”
My loins ache for him.
He runs his thumb across my mouth, and when I part it, he slips the tip inside.
