“What do I deserve? Only good things? Hmm? Should I talk to someone? A therapist? Your dad? Someone at the club? Should I tell them all the whiny dumb ass things that my brain likes to cycle through? The whole boring poor me, blah-blah-blah bullshit?”
She rolls her eyes, but her lips twitch too. “It’s not boring. And if you want, I know my dad would love to talk. So would anyone from the club, I’m guessing. Loreena told me she talked to the club’s therapist and he’s great. Very revolutionary.”
“Is that the surprise? You came all this way with some sixth sense as to how I like to beat myself up and you wanted to tell me to see a therapist because talking will make me feel better? Don’t you think I’ve tried all that before?” Her brows crash together, creating a little crease in her forehead that makes me pissed off at myself for having caused it. I want to smooth it away.
“I brought you this surprise, and it’s me. I have a butt plug in, which I thought would be cool and kinky, but we don’t have to do anything. I can just go and take it out and—”
“I’m sorry, you have a what?”And where? I guess if I needed to be taken out of myself then Fawnie just did it in one fell swoop.
Fawnie believes in me. If only I could believe in me too. If only I could look at myself the way she does. Is. Right now. Her blue eyes burning bright, deep enough to fall into and get lost in.
I’m always burning. Always in pain. But when she touches me, she’s like the depths of her eyes. A soothing balm to the ache. A gentle buffer against the hot sandpaper that is always scraping me raw.
My hands come up to frame Fawnie’s. I press them down harder on my face, closing my eyes, savoring the warmth of her palms against my skin. They’re so smooth and perfect, just like the rest of her body. She’s pristine. Flawless.
Unlike me.
“We can just talk instead. Or sit quietly. I could keep you company while you do the books and stuff.”
Awesome. She edged the shit out of herself just to come here and give you a sexy surprise. Nice work ruining it by totally being yourself. Again. Way to offer her very mediocre sex and then no sex after she blew you and fuckingswallowed.
I grind my teeth together. “No,” I hiss through them. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to ruin the surprise.”
“You couldn’t ruin anything.” She’s sincere because she’s sweet.
My mind goes straight to stripping those leggings off of Fawnie, bending her over my desk, and finding out just how wet and ready she is after edging herself all the way here. I imagine the plug and what her sweet asshole would look like puckered around it. Would she come harder if I tapped that plug while I stretched her wide open on my cock?
I twist our fingers together and lead her straight to my office. I don’t know why I hesitate once we’re inside. She offers me yet another lifeline.
“I could sit on the desk and get myself off while you watch. If you’re not feeling so good tonight.”
I refuse to let my brain go to town with this. Also, I don’t want to be someone she feels she needs to tiptoe around, treating me like I’m fucking glass. I know it’s my fault and not hers. If I keep going to pieces every time she peels off another fucking layer, then I’m just making things worse. I need to get out of my damn head. “I’d really like to participate.”
“I’d love that too, but only if it makes you happy.” She grazes a kiss over my lips. “You can always talk to me. I’ll always be here.”
I know it’s true, even if it shouldn’t be. I don’t deserve Fawnie in the least. I don’t deserve her kindness or her devotion.
Understatement of the damn century.
“I’m not going to leave you alone. Not ever.”
“That’s rather obvious,” I grunt. If I could turn off my asshole game, that would be great.
Fawnie’s used to me though. She’s not taking my shit. She just ignores it and gives me a huge smile. “It is, isn’t it?”
It is. And it’s not the worst thing in the world. Not the way I thought it would be.
“It might sound crazy, and I swear I’m a pretty normal person when it comes down to it, but I don’t want to waste time. I don’t want to wait for a perfect day and a right time to tell you this. I think you need to hear it right now.”
I’m already tense, but my muscles coil up, bracing for impact.
Fawnie isn’t going to let me off. She came here for sex stuff, which is great, but when she saw that I needed something else, she had no problem beingherefor me. “If life is about choices and staying and vows, I want you to know that I’m here. I’m going nowhere. But also that I’d choose you every single time.”
“O-over what?” I stammer.
Her eyes sparkle. “Everything.”
This. Woman. She’s already breaking me. Wrecking me. Panic surges up to cut off my oxygen. Not at being smothered or at how quickly Fawnie is saying this to me, but at the fact she’s here at all. That she’s exactly what I’ve been telling myself that I wasn’t waiting for all along.
