He lifts his hand and I think he’s going to brush mine away, but he fumbles for something under his shirt. I’m a little shocked to see that he’s wearing a gold crucifix. He smooths the small cross, fingers working over and over the same spot.
“Hey.” I tip his chin up. “What are you thinking about?” It’s pretty clear that he’s not going to answer.
He turns his face away, but it tilts to the side. His fingers work harder, almost aggressive. I can’t watch the abject misery on his face and not have my heart break, especially not when his eyes start to glisten brightly with unshed tears.
My chest turns to lead, my heart throbbing with worry and pain at seeing Shadow’s anguish. I don’t want to be clingy and suffocate this poor man, but if it’s companionship and a soul to soul connection that he needs and doesn’t know how to ask for,I want to give that to him. I take a chance and drop my hand to his.
“Can I tell you something, Finn?” He grunts at the sound of his name. I don’t know if that’s a yes, but he hasn’t shoved me off of him and tried to leave either. “We think we don’t need to be told things like this, but I think we do, so I’m going to say it, and I’d like you to listen. You don’t have to believe me right away. It might need time to sink in.”
Whatever’s going on in his head, he’s too weary to even slam up proper shields. His eyes stay on mine, unblinking, glistening with tears I want to kiss away before they break both our hearts. I’m definitely doing nothing to hide what I feel. I probably have heart eyes going strong. I don’t know if he doesn’t notice, or if he chooses not to see, but at least he doesn’t panic.
He’s likely used to seeing it.
I don’t know if I’ve ever been able to hide anything when I look at him.
I cup his face and brush my lips against his. “You’re more than enough,” I whisper against them. “You’re enough a thousand times over.” I put enough space between us that he can see the truth in my face when I give him the words I know heneedsto hear. “The fact that you exist in this world is my favorite thing ever. Your life matters. What you want matters. Your heart and all your feelings matter to me. You’re a good person with a beautiful soul. I know it’s way too soon to say this, but you mean so much to me. If you wanted to meaneverythingone day, I’d let you. I’d love you the best I could. As close to unconditionally as a flawed person can get.” I heave out a breath, shaking at the admission. I didn’t mean to go that far.
He doesn’t riot, or shove me off, or gather his things to panic rush out of here. He doesn’t snark me with dry humor, or stand up and shove the robe off and instruct me to look at his scars and tell him again just howbeautifulhe is.
He finally blinks and the tears that have sat unshed in his eyes spill over.
My heart shatters so loudly that the explosion of all those tender pieces seems to ring in my ears.
“Finn.” I gather the tears up with my lips, kissing the salt away.
I kiss his face tenderly until there’s no trace of them left, taking his misery inside of me. I want to give him back something lighter and kinder.
I carefully arrange my hands behind his neck, leaning forward to engulf him in a hug. Or what I can of him, at least. He’s huge and I’m not. I hold him and he leans forward just enough that he settles his chin against my collarbones and turns his nose into the crook of my neck. I expect that he’ll remain stiff, but he surprises me by wrapping his arms around my back. I melt against him and he sags into me, his familiar husky, raspy breaths filling up the room.
Can you love someone you don’t know? If you can, I’ve loved him since the moment his arms closed around me and he carried me out of the flames and went back for Bubby. I’ve loved him every day since, without knowing his name. And if it’s not possible, I know him now. Maybe not well enough, some people might argue but fuck that. Everyone is different and every person deserves to have their own story and to be able to tell it.
I love this man.
I hope he can feel it radiating out of me along with all my body heat. I hope he can feel it throbbing from my heart as it beats pressed up against his chest.
I love this man.
A man that no one has loved properly. His own mother didn’t. He trusted her and she wounded him so badly that I don’t know if it will ever heal. I have no doubt that the guys at the club love Shadow like a brother, but what he needs is to be loved for all of who he is. I don’t think he’s allowed anyone to get close enough for that. I want to stand beside him. Do the best parts of life and the shit parts together. I want to unabashedly be able to tell him how much I care, share all the depths of me. I want to reveal myself to him and let him do the same. No shame. No judgment. Just acceptance, warmth, and love in ways he’s never known. He can have all my raw honesty right down to my own soul, whenever he wants it.
Building trust, letting him know that he can rely on me, letting him know that I’ll always be right here for him andwithhim from the smallest detail to the biggest triumph, is what’s important. I don’t have to tell him all the things that are in my heart yet. I canshowhim. Of course there’s fear in me, that he’ll reject me or he’ll just up and leave and be the one to ruinme, or he’ll break my heart without even meaning to, but listening to fear isn’t healthy. Trusting your gut and your instincts and learning how to give your all to something you truly believe in, or to someone, is a special gift. I want to be able to give that.
Even if it hurts later.
Even if I’m scared shitless even thinking about not having this man in my life.
He’ll always be with me, and I know I’ll always be with him. We’ve changed each other irrevocably, not just on that night years ago, but right now, right here, locked in each other’s arms.
I trace small circles at the base of his neck and pull back, dropping kisses over his cheeks, the bridge of his nose, his jaw, ending at his lips. It’s not the kind of scalding kiss that I gave him last night. It’s slow and intimate and demands nothing in return.
“Can I make you breakfast?” I ask as I pull back.
His eyes flutter open. They’re a little bloodshot, rain washed, slightly red around the rims. They’re also the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, windows to a deeply misunderstood, precious soul.
“Or tea?” I can’t stop my shit-eating grin. “I’m kidding. I have coffee. I could make us peanut butter banana sandwiches.”
He sighs deeply, shoulders heaving. “You like peanut butter banana?”
“Yeah. On the fluffiest white bread with zero nutritional value. I find it pairs well with a double espresso first thing in the morning.”
