“I’m ugly enough without letting your dad skin my hide.”
“You arenotugly.”
“Post euphoric bliss is scientifically shown to addle your mind.”
I twist away so that I can poke him dead center in his chest. “Are you ever going to stop pretending to be an asshole?”
“Who says I’m pretending?”
I can’t resist flattening my palm against his damp shirt and finding his heartbeat again. “When you’re ready to drop your guard and let me in, I’ll be here.”
“And if I’m never ready?”
The question hangs between us, scalding, raw, painfully real.
I swallow thickly past the lump of tears and twisted emotions blocking my airway. “I’ll still be here.” It’s easier for him to talk about the tangible things. I don’t care about easy, but I do care about giving himrelief. “Do you… want us to pick you up for the symphony? I’m going to be driving with my mom. Dad and Rita and the boys are taking their own car.”
“I think I’m gonna take the bike.” He laughs darkly when my nose involuntarily scrunches at the implication of that. “Don’t worry, I won’t wear my vest. I can scrub up okay. Though I wasn’t joking about the Phantom of the Opera. I’ll wear a mask and cape.”
I won’t allow him to wound himself with his own dark humor any longer. Not tonight. “Shh.” I tilt my face, finding his lips again. I brush mine over them, our breaths mingling before I apply any pressure. “That’s quite enough lip for now.”
“I thought you liked my lips.”
He kisses me, but then suddenly shoves up, like he’s going to leave. I curl back, not wanting to crowd him or cling to him. He’s not mine. I have to remember that. I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to do this again, or even if we should. I vowed not to bring him anymore pain and I have to stay true to that. He needs time, and I need to honor whatheneeds.
He doesn’t leave.
He sits up and straightens his legs. I don’t know if he was going to go and changed his mind, or something else made him stay.
I get off the bed and go to the dresser, taking out a nightshirt. Not the sexy, hot lingerie kind either. It’s more an oversized t-shirt.
“I love your lips, Finn.”
“This is serious if you’re going to be dropping my real name.”
“Itisserious.”
“That’s quite unfortunate for you.”
I expected the snarky comeback, but I also expected a full blown retreat. I’m a little bit shocked when it’s not there. “Why? If you want this to be a one-time thing, I can take it, but I need you to tell me now that—”
It’s his turn to press his thumb to my lips and shush me. “I don’t want that.” His words are gravelly. “It’s unfortunate for you, because you see how I am. The burns are probably the prettiest part of my personality.”
“I like your personality.”
“You poor thing.” He can’t keep his lips from twitching as he says it, though.
It’s a win. Big or small, I’ll take anything. And this? Even if Shadow leaves soon, it’s a big win. Huge. Epic. We just… slept together. He didn’t freak out or race out of here after. He’s promised that he’ll come to the symphony with me, and I believe him. That alone is a huge fucking deal. When I asked him if this could happen again, he was reluctant, but he didn’t say no. He’s been self-deprecating, but not self-hating.
To someone else, this might not be much, but forus, it’s monumental.
“I should go.” He finally says the expected.
I’m not going to beg him to stay. I won’t rush him or pressure him. Tonight was already more than I ever dreamed. I know it’s in his nature to fight and to survive, and all of this probably feels very new and threatening. He’s not fighting against me, but if I push for too much in too many obvious ways, I know that he won’t be ready. At the very least, I’ll make him extremely uncomfortable.
I want to insist that I drive him to work, or that I take him home, but I pay attention to the silence around us and realize that it’s no longer raining.
“Okay. I can walk you to the door.” I kiss his forehead and scramble off, refusing to take no for an answer.
