He retreats immediately, shaking his head. I don’t know if he’s annoyed that his attempt to fluster me into calling this whole thing off didn’t work, or if he’s amused.
What I do know is that I lose the scent of him as he puts more space between us. No cologne. No trees or spice. What lingers is his simmering emotions. Rage. Dark nights. Pain. A little bit metallic with a hint of something minty and sweet. It shouldn’t be affecting me this way.
It’s more than just our history. It’s pheromones or something. My body likes the scent of his and that’s…that.
It likes more than that.
“I didn’t mean to make it sound like I thought you were a curiosity. That’s exactly how Ididn’twant you to feel.” He’s not a thing. He’s a person. He was oncemyperson, in a way. He’s always going to be the man who saved me, who gave me the most priceless gift. I don’t know how to get that across to him in a way that’s not going to make him unhappy.
Even if I wanted to do it, I don’t know how.
He retreats further across the tiny kitchen, giving me his back.
I don’t actually know what I want to accomplish by him being here and forcing this. Maybe it’s something I can’t let go of because when you’re given the most precious gift, thanks isn’t ever going to be enough. Mere gratitude is a ridiculous concept.
We’re always going to be tethered to each other.
I’vesensedhim in ways I can’t even explain. Maybe that’s just dreams or an overactive imagination and there was no invisible strings and no way I could feel him out there like a nebulous entity, a ghost, or a- ashadow.
But maybe I did. Could. Can.
If only my stupid heart would listen to reason and stop fluttering all over the place. I curl my palms into tight fists to resist the urge to reach out and intrude on Shadow’s personal space. I want to press my fingertips to his pulse and feel it beating steadily up into my hand. I want to trace the outline of his face, take his hands, set my palm straight over his heartbeat.
I want to assure myself that he made it and that he’salive.
I want him to believe it too.
I don’t expect for him to abruptly turn on me, chest heaving with angry breaths, fire in his eyes like he’s heard my every thought. “In answer to your question, I’ve always been an asshole. The fire just burned away the mask I wore.”
I face him down and I find the compassion I want to give him so maybe he can give it to himself. “I know you’re more than figuratively hurt by that night. You’re going to take it with you forever.”
He curses low under his breath. “Yeah. And I kept that shit locked up tight for a reason. I don’t pull those memories out and sift through them because they’re fun.”
“Of course you don’t.”
He stabs a finger in my direction. “This is the last time we’re doing this. I’ll stay in Hart and so will you, butseparate. Anything else is a bad idea. I’ve given you enough. I’ve wastedenough time. You want to think that you ruined it all for me? Do you want me to blame you and wish I’d never rescued you? Fine. I blame you. I blame you and I want to punish you, and I want to hate you, so stay away from me.”
I would. I really would, if that’s what I thought he truly wanted, but the pain in his eyes and the fact that his whole body is visibly trembling, his shoulders rising and falling rapidly tells me just how much he wants me to push back.
“You think that being mean is going to chase me away when I already know what kind of man you are?”
“You have no idea who I am.”
“You’re the kind of man who smashes through a window wearing only a t-shirt to save someone he didn’t even really know, and then went back for her cat, knowing full well that it was going to be worse than hell.”
“I don’t believe in hell.” His bottom lip starts to tremble along with the rest of him. Flames flash in the depths of his eyes, memories made real.
I take slow steps towards the door. The only door in this place other than the one that leads to the tattoo studio below, and that one is locked from the other side. “You saved my life, Shadow. I want you to hear me. Do you?”
“You’re shouting right into my face,” he shouts right back.
“That’s because I need you tohearme.”
“It’s not like I got amnesia that night. I know what happened. I pulled you out. I got burned. Everything that happened after led me here, to a life that’s at least tolerable. Notwhat I saw myself doing, but It could be worse. All my needs are met.”
“That’s not true.” I’m starting to shake too. My eyes are burning, but I don’t know if tears will drive this man out of his skin or not. I don’t want to risk it. I blink hard and breathe even harder.
“Maybe not, but I don’t need to let my mind spin out of control and remind me of all the things I can’t have. Not being able to control yourself is the greatest danger.”
