“Hi. Yes.” It’s a stupid thing to say. My whole body burns with mortification. I should have written down what I wanted totell him, but I didn’t want it to feel scripted. I wanted to be able to say the words that are carved into my soul, but what if I can’t get them out? “I- I wanted to call you. You know that. Uh- god. I’m sorry. Can you give me a minute? This is a lot. Please don’t hang up. I really do want to talk to you.”
I wince and sit upright, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arm around them while I hold the phone to my ear.
Shadow takes deep breaths on the other end. Tears flow down my cheeks. I don’t want to cry, but I can’t stop them. I’m afraid he’ll hear.
I blurt out the one thing I shouldn’t. Not if I want him to stay on the line and hear me out. “If you got hurt because of me, I’m so sorry. I- I’m… I’m alive because of you. Bubby too. There aren’t words to tell you what that means.” The line is silent. Ominously so, but I can still hear his heavy breathing. “I know you’re still there.”
“If I saved your life, then don’t ruin mine.”
I nearly drop the phone at his cold words. People can be mean, but this is something else. He didn’t have to dig far to find those words. It’s like he dipped a cup into a river of ice flowing through himself and poured it right over me.
“I did this for your dad. I don’t need your gratitude and I don’t want your pity.” He swallows audibly. His voice doesn’t soften, but his tone isn’t nearly so frigid. “I’m glad you’re fine, but I’m fine too. You have your life and I have mine. That’s the way it needs to stay.”
The line goes dead.
No.
I study the phone until my eyes cross and my vision goes blurry. I want to call the number back. Immediately. Keep calling until he answers again. The only thing that stops me is imagining how hurt Dad would be. He made me promise that one call would be it, and, well, even though I wasn’t the one to hang up, it was one call and it’s over.
I was able to say thank you. Not the way I wanted. Not nearly enough. Would it ever be enough?
I have to do something more thanthis. I can’t let this be it. It’s been five years, this man saved my life, and now I know forcertainthat it cost him. I don’t know the what of it yet, but I know I have to dosomething.
I have to find him and- and—
I don’t know what.
I just know that I can’t let this be.
I owe this man my life. I can’t pay that debt back, but I can’t live the rest of my life knowing that I never did one thing other than give him a feeble, token, bland, cliché thank you.
I bite down hard on my bottom lip. I can’t go to the club for help, but Loreena isn’t technically part of the club. If she asked Maverick for an address, would it really be coming from me? Okay. I know that the answer to that. It’s not good.
I gave my word, and I do believe that your word is your bond, but there are more important things, and this is beyond my own honor.
It doesn’t stop my hands from trembling or my heart from hitting the bottom of my feet when I pick up my phone and hit call.
Chapter 4
Fawnie
I’ve been reading up on golden retriever and black cat energy. I’m not sure I fully understand what makes a person either, unless it’s the moment. You can be a black cat one day, or one hour, or one moment, and be a golden retriever the next. Maybe it’s all bullshit.
It’s possible that I’ve been thinking about this for too long. It took me a little over a week to convince Loreena to ask Maverick for Shadow’s address. In the end, he wouldn’t give it to her, but he did drop some hints about the color of the house and what it may or may not look like. Hart isn’t that big, and with the tools available to even regular people like me, I was able to find it.
It helped that Shadow owns a bike. I had a list of eight houses that matched the color and description, and I drove around for days creeping them, but only one had a bike parked under an overhang carport.
I’m sure I’m at the right place.
I know from my dad that Shadow works nights. I thought the best plan of action, if I can use the wordbest, would be to head over to his house in the early evening, hide myself by the carport, and wait for him to come out.
It’s not a good plan. It’s intrusive, invasive, and rude. It’s exactly what I promised my dad I wouldn’t do. Sort of.
I’ve made an agreement with myself. I’ve found a good hiding spot where I can observe Shadow when he leaves. If he appears fine, then I’ll leave and never bother him again. If he’s hurt in any way, I need to…
I don’t know.
I guess I need to dosomething.
