With a heaving chest, I shook my head and squinted at her. “All of this... every single thing... it’s your fault. You did this to me. You did this to us. To me... and my fucking family.”
“Huh?” Sienna mumbled, confused.
“I don’t know what you talkin about, but I do know you better sit down and watch your mouth. How did I doanythingto you? How is this my fault? I ain’t have a damn baby by him.”
My bottom lip quivered as I thought abouteverything. About my life and that invisible clock hanging over my head. I met Duke when I was fourteen. Had Aubry when I was fifteen. I was thirty-four. Thirty-four with four kids. I’d wasted so many years on this shit. Had spent so many years holding on to a marriage that was doomed from the start. All because ofher. My damn momma. I resented her so much because of that.
Before I knew it, I was crying. Sienna got up from her desk to console me. My mother stood there, arms crossed over her chest, shaking her head.
“You see what’s happening? It’s happening already. Don’t nothing but misery come out of divorce. You ain’t gone get what you looking for. I can tell you that now.”
“Did you just hear what she said, ma!? The nigga had a baby on her and you talking about misery after divorce!” Siennayelled, wrapping her arms around me. I tried to pull away but she held me tighter. “Mm, mm. Stop. I got you, sis. Let it out.”
“I heard her. I don’t believe it. She shouldn’t either. Who is this woman? Why she claiming the baby is his? You know women are spiteful. She want what you got, and you just gone give it right to her. That’s just?—
“Bye ma,” Sienna interrupted. “Grab the kids and just leave. Please.”
“I’m just saying. If?—
“Fuck you ma!” I yelled. “Fuck you! Would it hurt to be on my side for a change? Would it hurt to listen?! And not give your shitty ass advice!” I yelled, pulling away from Sienna. “It doesn't matter if the baby is really his or not—I'm leaving! I’m done! It would be nice to have my mother give me comfort, but you know what? Fuck it! I don’t need it. I’ve suffered for years in that marriage without my mother's love—I will get through this divorce without it too!” I looked at Sienna. “Thank you, Si. Thank you so much. I... I need to get back to work.”
“You can’t go to work like this, Ne,” Sienna said over my mother's fussing.
She couldn’t wrap her mind around the way I spoke to her. She’d gone from reciting scriptures about marriage to one about honoring your mother and father. She was livid, talking fast, pointing her finger, going off on me as if I didn’t just tell her I needed her. I ignored her. Tore my eyes away from her and put them on Sienna.
“I’m cool. I’ll be... I’ll be good,” I said, as I grabbed my purse from the desk.
Sienna wrapped her arms around me and kissed me on the cheek. “You got me. Okay?” She whispered.
I nodded. “I know.”
That felt good. Having someone other than Chanté to turn to. I spent so many years battling my heart ache by myself. I spentso many years hiding behind masks... when all along, I could have gone to my sister. I was so afraid of being judged. So afraid of not being perfect that I suffered alone, for no reason.
21
DUKE
"So, what’s included?”I asked my realtor, Natalie, showing me the condo I was standing in.
She looked over at me. “Nothing. Utilities are your responsibility.”
I nodded. “Bet.”
I was out condo hunting and really didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. I hadn’t been in the market for a place to stay in over ten years and back then, it was to buy a house. Hadn’t done the whole apartment searching thing in even longer. Neither were done alone. I felt out of place like a muthafucka.
I was moving.
Had to.
It was time. I could barely stand the sight of Mahogany these days. Yeah, it was like that. A week ago, I walked in on her fucking another nigga. Shit crushed my spirit in unimaginable ways. I had never been so hurt in my life. If it weren't for my broken arm I would have for sure beat dawg to death. Couldn’t though. He caught me slipping, put me in a chokehold, and dipped before I woke up. Would’ve killed Mahogany’s dumb ass too if it wasn’t for the love I had for her.
I stood over her, hand wrapped around her neck, choking her, staring into her eyes feeling nothing but an immense amount of love. Wasn’t that crazy? In that moment, where I should have hated her, I loved the fuck out of her. It was wild. I was hurt. I couldn’t believe she’d done something like that. But then again, I could believe it. I sat with it for days, thinking about what she’d done, in shock.
Mahogany changed. She changed a lot. Her cheating on me didn’t come as a big ass surprise. She was out of the marriage before she was out of the marriage. And I couldn’t sit up and act like I didn’t deserve a little bit of karma for the way I did her. She had been loyal and honest with me for years. Took a minute to get back at me. I would have done just fine without any of it. Karma was beating my ass. I hadn’t had a good day in so long that a good day felt impossible. It was a miracle that I hadn’t taken the sucka way out and committed. Because on most days I felt like dying would’ve been better than this shit. Especially after catching her cheating. I felt like I couldn’t take anymore. My life was—nah, my lifehadfallen apart. I didn’t have a hold on anything. Shit was so bad that waking up was even hard to do. I stayed in that man-cave for days before I finally got the courage and strength to get up and do something other than feel bad about myself.
I wasn’t only trapped in the basement because I felt low; I didn’t want to see Mahogany. Because I knew that the moment I put eyes on her, I would see what happened. I would hear her moans echoing through my mind. Moans for another nigga. That shit tore me up. Made my heart hurt in a way that it’d never hurt before.
“Do you want to apply? Places like this are going really fast,” asked Natalie.
