“An escape from what, J?”
“From reality, bro. You can be whoever, do whatever. You feel me? You can step away from being Crescent for a minute.”
“So, fuck my shorty?” I asked wearing a frown.
I was in a whole ass relationship. A committed relationship he knew about with a woman he’d met.
Judah shrugged again, tilting his head to the side a little. “No disrespect. But everybody needs an escape from reality every now and then. What you do at Pandora’s stays at Pandora’s. Feel me?”
“Man... I’m not fuckin with it.”
“I think you should. Carrying the weight of being Crescent heavy as hell right now. Stepping away for a couple hours might be what you need.”
I let his words marinate. Well after he left the office. I sat at my desk, twirling the envelope, running my fingers over the engravement of my name, really thinking about what he’d said.Step away from being Crescent for a minute. The weight of carrying the name was heavy. Be someone else. I wanted to be. For months, I wished my life wasn’t my life. Wished I wasn’t going through what I was going through and that things were different. I’d tried everything to push my emotions down. Tried to drown them. Tried to work them away. Even hit the gym more times a week than usual. Nothing helped. And he was telling me that this place... Pandora’s was going to make a difference? I doubted it. I lost my daughter and I was losing my girl. Shit was rocky. Had been rocky since my Nova Ray died. I wanted shit to be different. Wanted to be able to push past what happened. She let her drown. Didn't keep a good enough eye on her and she fucking drowned. That shit, in my book, was unforgiveable. How the fuck was I supposed to move past that? How in the fuck was I supposed to forgive her for that?
With a deep sigh, I stuffed the envelope in my pocket and shifted my eyes up at the clock. Before I knew it, it was inching towards ten and I was supposed to be at the crib hours ago. How long had I been sitting at the desk, doing nothing besides thinking? Judah left when the sun was still up. I didn’t want to go home though. Home was where she was supposed to be at. My sweet, sweet Nova Ray. Walking into the crib would do nothing but push all of the memories to the forefront. Not only because home was a constant reminder but because Reign wouldn’t stop playing old videos. She sat in the living room, on the couch, surrounded by old tissues and bottles of wine, watching videos of Nova Ray on the big screen, on repeat, all fucking day.
I didn’t want to go home to that. But what choice did I have?
With another sigh, I grabbed my shit and stood to leave.
It didn’t take me but fifteen minutes to get to the crib. The sound of my daughters laughter greeted me at the front door. The same way it did yesterday. That shit stung. Only becauseit was coming from a TV. I missed the days of coming home to her running up to me, jumping in my arms, with a face full of whatever her mother let her make a mess in. Shit was fucked up. I couldn’t understand how or why Reign kept playing the fuckin’ videos. That shit didn't do anything but piss me off.
I came out of my shoes and headed for the kitchen to see if she’d cooked anything. Not because I wanted a hot meal when I came home. I didn’t give a fuck about that. I was checking to see any sign of her leaving the couch. When I got to the kitchen, the only sign was the empty wine bottle that wasn’t there when I left this morning.
Shaking my head, I opened the refrigerator, looking for something to make her to eat. I hadn’t eaten but I didn’t really give too much of a fuck about myself. She was the one draining herself dry, crying all day, only hydrating herself with wine. I made her a turkey and cheese sandwich and paired it with some Lays chips. I wasn't in the mood to cook. Wasn't in the mood to do much of anything, for real.
I walked into the living room, clenching down on my teeth, trying to ignore the TV and the sounds coming from it.
“You been sitting here all day?” I asked.
“Remember her first birthday? You said not to buy her that white dress. She had cake all over it,” Reign said with a laugh, looking up at me with glossy eyes, tears running down her face.
I swallowed. “Yeah. Here. Eat this.”
I didn’t like to talk about Nova Ray. I didn’t want to reminisce. I didn’t want to do anything but move past what happened as if nothing happened. But that shit was a fail because not talking about her didn’t cancel out thinking about her. I thought about her all day, every day and hated every moment of it.
I sat the plate of food next to her and she didn’t even look at it. Her eyes went from me back to the TV screen.
“My baby was perfect,” she mumbled. “Life was perfect. Why did—I don’t understand...”
I didn’t understand it either.
I didn’t understand any of it. Why the woman I loved was responsible for me losing my baby girl. I didn’t understand why I had to carry on like this. Didn’t get why I had to come home every fucking day to this shit. She knew the videos bothered me. Just didn’t give a fuck. She knew I didn’t want to talk about Nova Ray. Didn’t give a fuck about that neither. Didn't give a fuck about anything but sitting up all day, every day, on this fuckin couch, watching video after video, getting drunk as hell. Didn't even wash her ass. I had to remind her of that. Don’t think for one second that I didn’t have sympathy for what she was going through. I was going through it too. Except I didn’t have anybody to give a fuck about me. There I was trying to make sure she ate, while not having anything to eat all day myself. There I was, standing in front of her, trying to get her off the couch, painfully listening to the sound of my daughters laughter when I really wanted to leave. But I had to be there for her, right? I had to give her patience, love, and shit... right? Even though we were where we were because she was too busy in the crib running her mouth to pay attention to our child.
Shit was heavy.
Shit was really fuckin’ heavy.
“Why you keep watchin’ that? You think I want to come home and hear my daughter laughin? And she ain’t here? What I tell you the other day? Watch on your phone. Listen with headphones, Reign. I don’t want to hear that shit.”
“That shit?” She spat. “Our daughter?—
“Not our daughter!" I yelled. “It’s a video of her! Don’t you get that?”
“Same thing,” she mumbled, holding Nova’s blanket closer to her. “Same... same thing, Crescent.”
“No... no it’s not, Reign.”
