Instead of pushing the box toward me, Chanté stood up and walked over to me on the couch. She sat down and wrapped her arms around me. Was it unethical? For her to have a heart? For her to show her client love? I didn’t know. Didn’t care either. I needed a hug. And I melted into her arms. I didn’t silently cry that time. I boohooed. Probably snotted all over her designer suit. But she let me. She didn’t pull away. In fact, she held me tighter.
Today’s tears hit a little different. I hadn’t cried for a couple of days. I’d been sad. Very sad. Stuck in my head about what ifs and things like that, but the tears were far and in between. I knew what today would do to me. I knew I’d cry for real, and I hated that. Because I was trying to move forward. I was trying tobe strong, and all today did was show me that I still had ways to go.
After crying my eyes out, I loosened my hold on her and we pulled away. Again, she handed me napkins. This time, I took them and cleaned my face. My eyes felt puffy and red. Dry. Like I’d cried every tear I had inside of me.
“You don’t have to talk if you don’t feel up to it,” Chanté said.
I shook my head. “I need to talk. I…” I paused. “Duke… he has… there’s a little girl.”
Her eyebrows rose. “Mahogany… I’m so sorry.”
Despite how fucked up I was, I spilled.
I told her everything. About Justin showing up at my house. About me confronting Duke. About the kids hearing us fighting. Told her about my trip to Pandora’s too. She stopped me before I could get to Crescent.
“Have you filed?”
“What?”
“Have you filed?” Chanté repeated. “Divorce.”
With a frown, I shrugged. “Not yet. He’s in the hospital. Got into a car accident.”
“What does that have to do with you filing?”
“Nothing. The timing is just… it’s messed up,” I said with a swallow. “I’m filing. It’s… it’s inevitable. You think I’m going to stay with him after everything I told you? Chanté… it’s over.”
“Technically it’s not over until you file for divorce. You said you confronted him about everything a little while ago, right?”
I placed my hands between my legs and interlocked them, twisting. “Yes. It hasn’t bene that long. It’s still fresh. I still... I’m still going to file. It’s just taking me a minute. I’ve been busy.”
“You’ve been to Pandora’s,” she pointed out.
"What does that have to do with anything?” I snapped.
Chanté sat her iPad down and took a deep breath. “Mahogany… I’m going to ask you a tough question. It’ll be easier on the both of us if you answered instead of avoiding it.”
I looked up and rolled my eyes, shaking my head. “About fear.”
“About fear. Are you afraid? To leave him? To start a new life without him in it?”
I was quiet for a second. Of course I was afraid. I was afraid of a bunch of shit. I didn’t just come out and tell her that. That was scary to. To tell the truth. To show someone you were actually very afraid of a lot of things. I shouldn’t have been scared though, right? I’d just cried on her shoulder. But… I was. I was afraid to show her more weakness. Me and vulnerability, boy. We did not get along.
Eventually, after a couple of minutes of silence, I told her.
“It’s not just that,” I said. “I’m afraid of a lot of things, Chanté, shit. I don’t…” I paused and shrugged. “I don’t know what life without him will look like. I have four kids. Four! I… I’m afraid of being alone. I don’t…. I don’t see a happily ever after for me. Who’s going to want me? A broken, divorced mother of four.”
“It’s scary but you’re more than just that. You’re a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman with a lot going on for herself. You’re not broken. You’re bruised. Stop talking about yourself like that. We don’t do that here. We don’t do that,ever.” She paused and tilted her head a little to catch my eyes since they were focused on the carpet. “You hear me? Chin up, queen.”
I lifted my head, took a deep breath, and nodded. I was more than just a mother of four. Chanté was right. I couldn’t let the fear of the unknown hold me back. The longer I stayed married to Duke, the longer I stayed spiritually bonded to him, and I needed all ties cut. Despite what I wanted, I had to do what was necessary. What I deserved. What she deserved. That version ofMahogany who’d been trying for years on top of years for no reason.
I thought therapy would ruin my day, but I was wrong. Therapy gave me a hug, comfort, and reassurance I needed.
15
DUKE
“I appreciate it man, thanks,”I said to the transportation guy at the hospital, helping me stand.
