I closed and locked the door behind me. The space was small—the only thing in this bathroom, a toilet, and sink. But it felt a lot smaller. Felt like the walls were closing in on me. Felt like the ceiling and the floor were too. I couldn’t breathe. I gripped the neckline of my shirt and tugged on it, looking for air that seemed to just… ignore me. I gasped. Paced. Hummed. Did everything I could not to cry. The tears building up in my body made my chest hurt. My throat ached. Head hurt and eyes stung. I needed to cry. But…I didn’t. I couldn’t. Sienna was here.
Instead, I stood at the sink and dug my nails in the inside of my left arm. Why? I didn’t know. It was something I picked up a long time ago. When I was sad—too sad, and needed to hide it, I just… I dug into my skin. Today, I wanted to punch myself in the chest. Wanted to get rid of the pain there. Tried to swallow it, butit was like all that did was make the lump bigger. Harder to push down, making it harder for me to breathe.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
“You alright? What are you in there doing?”
The doorknob rattled.
I snatched my eyes away from the mirror to make sure I’d locked it.
I did.
Forgot I did.
“I’ll be out in a minute. I told you… told you I was… tired,” I struggled to say.
Tossing my head back, I let out a deep sigh and silently asked God to help me. I didn’t ask for much. The only time I actually went to Him was when there were issues in my marriage or one of the kids were sick. Today I needed strength to get through. Not only the day—but in general. I needed to breathe. I needed air. I needed to forget Justin and Diary happened. I… Today, on my baby’s eighteenth birthday, I needed more strength than ever before.
“You making a lot of noise and?—”
“I’m coming, bitch. Damn, I said give me a minute.”
She was quiet for a little while before asking again, “Who was that?”
Turning the faucet on, I ran cold water over my hands to ground me. “Who was who?” I asked, pretending not to know she was talking about Justin and Diary.
“On the porch. That man and the little girl. She reminded me so much of?—”
“They had the wrong house. He was looking for his baby momma. Thought I was her friend, hiding her girl. Ghetto shit,” I lied.
“Say swear! I know you lyin!” She said, stunned.
“Nope. He was on some other shit, talking about let him in to see. I was about to call the police for real.”
Lying was easy.
I’d only been lying my entire relationship.
What would I do when the truth came out… what truth? There was no truth. I was… tripping. Diary wasn’t Duke’s. He didn’t know a Justin. For damn sure didn’t know a Diary. I had to… I had to push it down. I had to forget about it. But how would I? How could I? I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to. Duke had a baby? He had a baby on me? Seriously? When? I thought he stopped cheating. I thought—oh yeah… the little girl wasn’t that young. She could walk. She had to be about three years old. She wasn’t new. She was from his past. That meant—oh God. He had another family. Duke…
No, he didn’t.
Diary didn’t exist.
Justin didn’t exist.
I took a deep breath and nodded. Yeah. I was… that didn’t happen.
Turning the water off, I ran my wet hands over my chest. Would have doused my face with the water if it weren’t for the makeup I put on earlier. I looked up. Asked God for strength once again. Just enough to get through the party. Just enough to forget about Justin and Diary. If not forever, for today at least. I…My baby turned eighteen. We were having a party. I thought today would be the day I didn’t have to pretend. I was wrong. Sadly, horribly wrong.
After I got my breathing under control, I stepped out of the bathroom. Sienna was resting against the wall across from it, with her arms crossed over her chest. Sizing me up and down, she asked if I was okay again.
“Yeah, I’m good. You ready?” I quickly asked.
I had to stay busy.
Staying busy would stop me from thinking so much and?—
