“But—”
“Thank you,” I interrupted again, with my eyes locked on hers.
She swallowed, pulled her lips into her mouth, and nodded. “Okie doke. In that case, it’s back to the drawing board. How do you feel about adding a playroom? A small amusement center?”
I didn’t say anything for a good two minutes before I shot that idea down too. She let me. Shar was too easy. Didn’t have much confidence in what she was trying to do. If she had it, she would have never let me shoot an idea like that down. It wasn’t horrible. I just couldn’t see the vision behind it. She was supposed to make me. She was supposed to paint an image. Was supposed to show me why an amusement center could work in a luxury children’s hotel. Had she been convincing, maybe I would have okayed it. If she had a render ready, maybe I would have changed my mind. You know how many times Mahogany convinced me? How many times she made me see what she was talking about?
Shar didn’t have that. Not right now she didn’t. She hadn’t put her best foot forward and for a project like The House of Nova Ray, I needed that. I cared about how things were moving along with the other projects, but not nearly as much as I cared about this one. And because I cared so much about how things went with The House of Nova Ray, I couldn’t accept the bare minimum. Would have approached the situation the same way had Mahogany shown me she couldn’t handle the job, too. Would have switched companies all together. But since I knew there was an able body at Couture, I wasn’t inclined to part ways. I wanted her and because I wanted her, I would have her. I tried things her way… shit wasn’t beneficial to me. How was that fair?
4
MAHOGANY
I couldn’t havecasual sex with Crescent.
I couldn’t have casual sex with Crescent.
I’d been telling myself that since I saw him on the elevator earlier.
I couldn’t just… fuck him and carry on with my life like it was nothing. Not like I did with Judah. Not like I did with any of the men at Pandora’s. Crescent was… he was special. He made me feel in ways I couldn’t understand. There were emotions tied there. And I didn’t have room for emotions.
I stood at my window and watched him walk to his car. Earlier, on the elevator, he told me he missed me. Gave explicit details about what he missed, and how much he missed it. I thought about how much I missed him too. Thought about wanting to touch him. Thought about wanting to be held and fucked by him. Thought about the wayhesmelled, and the wayhetalked. Was so wrapped up in missing him that when he went in for a kiss, I let him. The first time, I stopped him. Second time was too intense for me to. Still… my lips didn’t meet his like I wanted them too. The elevator doors opened before we could and Tamia almost caught us. I’d been avoiding eye contact withher ever since. Hadn’t called her up to the office for anything either. She knew something. She had to. She’d have to be pretty blind not to notice something between Crescent and I.
After that, I thought about using him for the karma I wanted to inflict on Duke.
But I couldn’t.
I’d fall in love with him, and I couldn’t fall in love. Not while I was still in it. Of course, I still loved Duke. There was no off switch for that. Maybe not as much as before. Not even an inkling of what it was before. But it was still there. Pulsing. Tauntingly. Disgustingly.
With a deep breath, I turned away from the window to grab my things. Today, I decided to come into the office. When I got dressed, I made sure everything was perfect. Used more edge control and gel than usual on my slicked back bun. Made sure my suit was steamed to perfection. Chose these tall ass, uncomfortable heels because I wanted to be every bit of the bad bitch I did not feel like. But… my feet hurt. My ponytail was too tight, and I would have rather been dressed in sweats than a suit.
It’d been four days since finding out about Diary and every workday since had been spent at home doing everything but working. I laid in bed. After dropping the kids off at school, I went back home and got right into bed. Laid there and cried for hours. My tears weren’t over Duke—I cried for me. Mourned every single part of me that allowed him to do that. Mourned the teenaged version of myself that got wrapped up with him. Mourned twenty-something Mahogany that accepted his hand in marriage, knowing he wasn’t shit. Mourned all of me. The version that kept brushing shit under the rug. The version who was lost behind the walls of Pandora’s because of a funky ass man. I just… for days…I just cried.
Loathed myself. Was disgusted with who I’d become. Thought about life without him, as a single mother of four.Thought about how I’d do it without him. Thought about how this just couldn’t be it. I deserved more. I deserved a pure love. I was back on that train again. The one I was always on. The one I was on before I learned about Diary. Just… full of regret and hopelessness.
And when it was time to get the kids from school, I tidied up. Got out of bed, showered, and spruced myself up. Put on makeup, did my hair, wore cute lounge sets, sprayed on perfume… found a mask. One that said mommy hadn’t been crying all day. One that said I was a happy wife, and I didn’t know about the side baby. I gave that version of myself to Duke too. Pretended. Pretended really good. However, sometimes I did slip. Sometimes I did cringe a little harder. Was a little dry. Did have disgust resting on my face. But then I’d snap out of it and give him what I set out to give him. Love. Not because he deserved it but because I wanted to punish him with it. I’d be lying if I said the pretending didn’t feel good though. Probably because I was emotionally drained and needed just a little bit of happiness—even if it was fake.
When Monday came I said you know what? I can’t do it anymore. I refused to spend another day in bed, feeling sorry for myself. I got up with the sun. Had my morning tea, steam ironed one of my favorite pants suits, found the baddest pair of heels, and started my day.
My phone rang as soon as I picked it up, getting ready to put it in my bag. It was Sienna. Sighing, I tried to ignore it but ended up hitting the answer button instead. Fuck.
“Hello?” she yelled. She was so loud I could hear her clearly without having to put the phone to my ear.
“Hey,” I dryly responded.
“Finally. Bitch I’ve been calling you since… for days.”
She’d been calling me since the day after Aubry’s party. She was tiptoeing around shit and I didn’t like it. That was one ofthe main reasons I hated for people to know my business. Don’t tiptoe around shit. Don’t treat me differently just because you think I’m fragile and need coddling. I didn’t need that. And I for sure didn’t need to be reminded of what happened because someone was tiptoeing around me.
“I’ve been busy,” I lied, as I put the strap to my purse over my shoulder.
I finished work over an hour ago. I stayed in the office both because I didn’t want to run into Crescent and because I honestly didn’t want to go home. But… where else was I supposed to go? I couldn’t just disappear again. Would have loved to. But I had four little beings to consider, so that was a wrap. I had to live in my misery. Had to sleep in the same bed as him. Had to live in the same house. Had to exist with him. For now. Didn’t know how long that was going to last before the lid blew.
“You a bold face lie,” Sienna called out. “Anyway. Me and Hazel about to go to happy hour. You comin?”
I hit the light switches in my office and headed out, locking the door behind me. “No, I can’t. I need to cook,” I lied again.
I didn’t want to be around them right now. Hazel didn’t know anything. I could tell she thought something was up with me. But she didn’t pry. That was one thing I appreciated about my little sister. She could pick up on vibes like a muthafucka, but she never got in a bitches business. Sienna was different. She didn’t pry for real but if she knew something was up, she did nothing to hide knowing. And I really did not want to sit with a bitch who knew my husband had a baby on me. I wasn’t in the mood for pity. Didn’t need pity. Didn’t need any of the things Sienna would try to offer. She couldn’t help me but would try to, and that shit was annoying.
