“The items you requested are here, where you asked me to leave them.”
“Thank you.”
He bowed. “You’re welcome. Enjoy your morning.”
With a deep breath, I turned my attention to the ocean and stared off into the distance, my mind drifting a bit. Turning away, I dug into the bowl of fruit and looked towards the villa, wondering if I should go back inside now or finish my food first.
I turned back around and picked my bagel up, deciding I’d finish my food first. Inside could wait. I wanted to enjoy the sun and the start of my good day a bit longer.
As I sat there, I thought about the session I had with Chanté the day before I left. She really put things into perspective. I had grown a lot. A ton, really. So much that in the midst of all of my growth I didn’t even realize I was growing. Morphing into the woman I was today was a little seamless. In the midst of it, it didn’t feel that way though. But that’s what happened. Slowly, but surely I grew into the version of myself I always wanted to be. Sitting down, reflecting with her made me realize how much different I was and how strong I had been through it all. While I was in it, I didn’t see it as being strong. While I was in it, I couldn’t seethis. This version of myself. I thought she was so far out of reach. I thought I’d never reach a point in my life where I was genuinely happy and could say that I knew me.
The thing about knowing myself was that I had known her all along. She was just buried underneath pain, resentment, and layers and layers of masks. Masks I no longer wore. The minute I stopped wearing them and honored who I was and what Iwanted, I got to know her.Mahogany Mills. For years she was screaming out to me, begging to come to the surface and for years I ignored her because I was bond by fear and stagnation. It felt so good not tobethat anymore. It felt so good to just be me. Authentically. Being free of worry and fear really changed my life. The minute I decided I couldn’t go on with Duke anymore and stuck to it, regardless of the uncertainty and fear surrounding that change, was the minute I started to come out of my cocoon. Masks began to drop and I started to bloom.
I don’t know how long I was sitting out there before I decided to go back inside. Felt like an hour. Could have been longer. My cup of tea sat on the table, barely touched, and cold. I sat there for only God knows how long, staring at the waves as they crashed, with my mind running a little rampant, cycling through thoughts I had no business cycling through.
With a deep breath, I looked down into the mug, twirling the teaspoon around it before I picked it up and finished it with a frown. Cold as hell. Pushing up from the chair, I didn’t immediately head back for the house. I headed for the shoreline, my feet sinking deeper into the sand.
With closed eyes, I stood there, basking in the feel of sand between my toes and the wind in my hair. Despite my racing mind, I softly smiled. This was paradise, for real. Looking over my shoulders, I thought about rushing inside to grab my camera to take another picture of the view. I had already taken what felt like close to twenty. I was using a polaroid camera to fill this scrapbook I bought a couple of weeks ago. Another picture wouldn’t hurt.
Pivoting, I headed back inside. When I slid the doors opened, I gasped at the sight of Crescent standing in the kitchen area, surrounded by balloons and flowers.
“Good morning, gorgeous,” he said, wearing a smile.
“Oh my God,” I shrieked. “What time is it? Why didn’t you tell me you landed? I was supposed to come down to the airport to greet you and?—”
He laughed. “It’s cool.” Stepping towards me, he approached with opened arms. “I told you I didn’t want you to meet me for a reason.”
With tears in my eyes, I took in the plethora of red, white and pink roses, scattered all around the kitchen. How did they do this so quick?
Crescent had been a literal dream. We were still taking things pretty slow. Probably a little too slow. As I scanned the room, I thought, maybe I should put an end to that.
“What if I would have walked in earlier?” I asked, wearing a smirk.
“Still would’ve been a surprised. Just wouldn’t have had it set up like this,” he said with a laugh, as he wrapped his arms around me.
I closed my eyes and fell into his arms, those tingles radiating down my spine. They were always there. Nothing had changed about that. Those tingles and how much of a dream he’d been was more than enough reason to put a title on what we had, wasn’t it? I mean, I wanted to. I thought about it every day. But in the midst of all of this growth was still a little bit of fear.
Well.
I wouldn’t necessarily call it fear. I was just careful these days. I was in no rush to putmeon the line again. I lost a lot in that relationship with Duke. I was still trying to regain pieces of myself. I doubted if anybody in my position, coming from where I came from would have been in a rush to commit again. Although I was pretty committed anyway, without that title. Crescent was the only man in my life. The only man I needed, for real. I had absolutely no interest in being with anybody else. Why would I want to? He wouldn’t give me tingles. He wouldn’ttreat me like a literal queen. He wouldn’t give methis. Butterflies on top of those tingles. I wouldn’t experience this with anybody else. I was sure of it. I didn’t even get this from Duke.
“I missed you,” I said against his chest.
I did.
It was set up this way on purpose, with me coming down here first. A couple of days ago, I told Crescent I wanted to wake up on a white sand beach, in solitude. I expressed to him how it had been one of my dreams for a long time. The next day, he surprised me with a trip. At first he was just sending me down here for a week alone, but I shut that down immediately! I told him I needed him here but because he wanted me to have a little alone time, he told me he’d come on day three.
Crescent was so damn intentional. So got damn selfless. So… loving. We hadn’t said those words to one another, but I didn’t think we needed to. What was understood didn’t have to be explained. We were close. Very close. Without that title. But there were times like this that made me want to put one on it. Every time I thought about it, my heart raced and I backed out of mentioning it. I felt like today would be the day I said something about it.
“I missed you too,” he said into the side of my neck before kissing me there.
Stepping back, he pulled away from the hug and got down on one knee. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped.
He looked down, reached into his linen shorts and then looked back up at me with something in his hand.
Lightly laughing he said, “Chill for me, baby.”
How he gon’ tell me to chill when he was on one knee with what I knew was a ring in his hand? I didn’t—what the hell? We weren’t even together and he was proposing? I wasn’t ready. I’d just gotten my name back… my independence… my life. I was barely in my new life and he was getting ready to ask me tochange that. Already? It was too soon. I couldn’t marry Crescent. Despite the tingles. Despite the way he made me feel… I wasn’t ready for marriage. My kids didn’t even know about him yet. What the…
