I looked away and swallowed before clenching down on my jaw. She died the day Nova drowned? I did too.
“I couldn’t be like you. I couldn’t do the things you did. I was… I was fucked up. And I know you were too but,” she took a deep breath. “I was there. I… I pulled her lifeless body out of the water. I tried to give her CPR. Me. I?—”
“We don’t have to do this, Reign,” I said, a little choked up. “I don’twantto do this.”
“But we need to do it. When am I going to see you, again, Crescent? Huh? This conversation is well overdue. We should have been had it.” She paused and mumbled, “Maybe if we would have, we would still be together.”
I stroked my beard and stared straight ahead. We wouldn’t have. I would’ve left Reign regardless. We didn’t break up because we didn’t talk. We broke up because of the accident in general and I couldn’t look at her without seeing my baby girl. Which was why I could barely look at her now. It was painful.A constant reminder of what I lost. Something I didn't think I would ever recover from.
“That’s neither here nor there, though,” she uncomfortably said. “I just… Crescent I wanted to genuinely apologize for not being able to show up for you.”
I sat there a moment, truly listening to what she said. She had to pull Nova from the water. She had to perform CPR. She had to hold our daughter's lifeless body in her arms. I didn’t. I didn’t experience that. Didn’t know what that was like. Didn't even want to imagine what that could’ve been like. Of course, Reign was out of it. Of course, she couldn’t show up for me the way I showed up for her. Her pain hit different. Her experience, nothing like mine. I never looked at it like that. I never thought about it. Was too wrapped up in my own feelings to consider what that had to be like for her.
“Crescent,” she softly said. “Did you hear me? I said.. I apologize?—
“Stop apologizing,” I interrupted, turning to face her, with tears of my own rolling down my face.
I didn’t think I had another tear in me, after moms’ funeral. But despite not wanting to put myself in Reign’s shoes, I did just that. Sat there and thought about what her experience had to be like and it tore me up.
She violently cried, her body trembling with every sob. Shaking my head, I reached over and wrapped my arms around her. “I owe you an apology.”
“No, you don’t. It was my fault, Crescent. I looked away for?—
“Shhh,” I shushed, holding her tighter, thinking about what she’d said.
She could have kept a better eye on Nova. That was true. Had she been present, Nova would have never fallen into the pool. But she did. Everything happened. What happened was meant to happen, regardless of how fucked up it might’ve been.Life was already written. It was in the cards for me to lose my daughter. Those were the facts. Just like it was in the cards for me to lose moms. Shit just happened. There was nothing neither of us could do about it.
After she cried in my arms for what felt like at least ten, fifteen minutes we sat there, reminiscing. For the first time since Nova died, I actually talked about her with a light heart and shared a few laughs too. Reconciling, letting go of the hate in my heart for Reign… it felt good. I felt lighter.
29
MAHOGANY
Six months later.
“How do you feel?”Tamia asked, standing in my office's doorway.
I looked up from my phone and stuffed it into my purse. “How do I feel about what?”
She sucked her teeth. “Finishing the project, duh.”
I palmed my forehead. “Oh, right.Duh. Girl,” I took a deep breath. “Relieved.”
“I know you do.” She smiled. “You should be proud of yourself.”
I was.
I was very proud of myself and not only because The House of Nova Ray was done. I was proud of myself for a lot of reasons. More than anything, I was just proud of myself for how far I’d come.
Today, after the final walk through of The House of Nova Ray, I had to go to court for the finalizing of the divorce. I wasclosing a chapter of my life that I didn’t think I would ever close. And you know what? I was excited and full of wonder rather than fear. Fear ran my life for a very long time. Kept me stagnant in a marriage that was over well before it started. Kept me from reaching the point of divorce too. But I’d made it. And I hadn’t doubted or doubled back since I made the decision.
I was very, very proud of who I was today. I didn’t wear masks anymore. I was unapologetically Mahogany and it felt good. Did I know who I was? No, not really. Not completely. While in this new season of my life I did a lot of thinking and I felt like we as people neverreallyknow who we are. Not for real. As we live, we grow. We become new people damn near every day. For a while I was hung up on learning myself and getting to know who I was without him. I treated it like a race. Like something to accomplish but I was off that. I was just content with knowing I wasn’t Mahogany Mills-Morris anymore. The version of myself that stayed on that rollercoastery merry-go-round. It felt good not being that version of myself that kept up appearances. Felt good to be authentically me.
“You know what Tami? Iamproud of myself,” I said before grabbing my Birkin from the desk, wrapping my hand around its handle.I hit the shutdown button on my computer and rounded the desk, ready to leave. “You ready?”
She drew back with wide eyes. “AmIready? I thought you were taking Mellissa.”
I smiled. “Nope. I’m taking you. Getting you out of this office. There’s nothing for you to do anyway. You know this is my last meeting of the day.”
