She ran off and moms looked up at me with a smile. “You so good with her.”
I smiled a little. “Yeah, I’m trying.”
“Well son… you’re doing a good ass job juggling everything. I didn’t think you had it in you, but you proved me wrong. Yet again.”
I nodded. Yeah, I didn’t think I had it in me neither. Just like before with Aubry. But shit, I’d been doing pretty well. A nigga might’ve been depressed but not enough to let shit crash and burn. I guess you could say I was proud, too.
28
CRESCENT
“Who that?”I asked, rounding the corner into the foyer.
Luna stepped away from the door to give me a few of who was standing at it and I was caught off guard by it being Mahogany. Fuck?
“I got it,” I said, with my eyes locked on hers.
In her hands was a bouquet of white roses and a card. I hadn’t seen or spoken to her in a minute. The last time we talked, we were of course discussing design and expectations for the walk through I didn’t go to. She did send me a text message a couple of days ago, offering condolences. I didn’t reply. Not because I didn’t want to but because I was busy. Busy grieving. Busy sorting shit out. Busy feeling shit I didn’t want to feel. In other words, I was down bad and the message from her didn’t do anything but remind of me why I was down bad in the first place. As if I needed a reminder to begin with.
Every day was a reminder. Every day I spent without my mom’s here. Every day I spent listening to one of my siblings or family members cry over it. Every day I spent thinking about what we didn’t get to do. I just… I wasn’t in the mood for condolences. I hated them muthafuckas, for real. Seeing her atmy doorstep, with flowers and a card told me she was here to offer them in person. Which… was worst. I couldn’t believe she’d popped up on me though. She was, however, a sight for sore eyes.
I’d been up for hours, handling last minute funeral arrangements. Had a house full of people because of it. Everybody wanted to add something to the obituary at the last minute. The young lady responsible for creating them was in over her head, trying to fit think pieces from everyone inside of it. I was on the verge of telling Auntie Majorie she couldn’t put shit in it because she was taking forever to write it.
“Wassup?” I asked, standing in the doorway, gripping the door.
She rubbed her lips together, looked down and then back up at me. “Sorry for popping up like this. I don’t usually… you weren’t responding to messages and I was… I guess I was worried so, I just… I decided to just come by. I know this is very unethical and?—
“I appreciate it. You don’t have to do that. Not with me,” I interrupted.
Unethical. Mahogany was silly. She loved throwing that word around.
She nodded and pushed the roses and card forward. “Here. I’m—I’m terribly sorry for?—
I took the roses and card from her. “I appreciate it, Mo.”
I didn’t want to hear that anymore. Had heard it enough. Like I said, I hated condolences. Understood why people offered them. What I couldn’t understand was the whole ‘sorry for your loss’ shit as if they were responsible for what happened. I was smart enough to know the science behind it. I just thought it was a dumb ass saying. She had nothing to be sorry about.
She nodded. “Stupid question but… how are you? Sorry if that’s inappropriate? I just?—
I lightly laughed. “You don’t have to tiptoe around my feelings, Mahogany. I’m as okay as possible. A little better now.”
We locked eyes for a moment. I clenched down on my teeth and brushed my hand over the top of my head. I wasn’t fucking with her. Couldn’t fuck with her. So, what I did was tuck my feelings. Let out an exasperated sigh and put my eyes on the red cardinal that sat on the railing of the porch. Focused there a bit to avoid looking at her. Her energy was as magnetic as its always been, pulling me. Daring me to look at her. Wanting me to connect with her. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t going there with Mahogany anymore. I would have loved to throw my arms around her. Really wanted to close the space in between us. Wanted to bury my face into the side of her neck and inhale. I wondered what she smelled like. I wanted to take her in. Completely. I wanted to sweep my eyes over her body in a way that what she had on would be cemented into my memory all day. It would be nice to have something to hold on to while I sat with my family, making arrangements I didn't want to make. But I couldn’t. I was in rehab. Like a muthafucka.
I had to be. I couldn’t put myself in a position to be cut off by her again. She was too wishy washy. Too indecisive about what it was that she wanted. It would have been nice to have her the way I wanted her. Would have been nice for a number of reasons. One being I’d gotten used to the way she made me feel. Which said a lot. I didn’t too much give a fuck about companionship. Not since Reign, at least. Mahogany made me give a fuck about that shit again. Made me open to more than just sex. Might’ve sounded crazy, considering that was all we did. But I wanted more. Wanted to look across the table at her at dinner. Wanted to wake up with her in the morning type shit. She made it easy to want that kind of shit. She made it easy to want more.
“Well,” she said through a sigh. “Like I said… I was just checking on you. I don’t—I don’t want to hold you up.”
I looked away from the bird and put my eyes on her. And before I knew it, I was doing that thing I didn't want to do. Sweeping my eyes over her. Taking her in. I even stepped forward a bit to get a whiff of her perfume. Today she smelled soft. Like baby powder. I wanted to ask if she’d switched perfumes. Wanted to know what she was wearing. I wondered if she did that powdering shit I saw on TikTok a couple of times. I didn’t like it. She smelled nice, though. Just unfamiliar. She was dressed casually in a pair of black leggings, a white top and an oversized jean jacket. Or was it a shirt? She had it open. She’d taken her braids out and had locs. Couldn’t be real. They were cascading down her back. She didn’t have on that much makeup. Not the way she did when she was at work. Her eyelashes were long as fluffy as hell though. She looked nice. Very nice. Like she was on her way to lunch or something and decided to take a detour here.
I wanted to ask her what she had up for the rest of the day. I wanted my day to end with her. But I knew better. We weren’t there anymore and I refused to try to take it there with her. It was what it was. I was no longer in the business of playing with my heart. I’d decided to truly let her go.
“I really appreciate you coming through,” I told her. I felt like a broken record, I told her I appreciated her so many damn times.
From the corner of my eye, I noticed Rahmir and Orion pulling up. Because we had family coming and going all day, the gate was left open. Had it not been, I would have been notified the minute she pulled up at the gate. I wondered what that would have been like. My heart probably would have damn near beat out of my chest.
She was awkward. Didn’t know how to part ways. I wanted to wrap my arms around her. Really wanted to place my lips on herforehead. But… I held back. Clenched down on my teeth again and sighed.
“Have a good day, Mahogany.”
