“Well, listen,” Nicole said. “I’m notjusta marital therapist. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always make an appointment. Okay? Based off our last session I’d say you needed someone to talk to.”
I told her alright and we got off. When I hung up, I thought about what she said. I did need somebody to talk to. I was going through a lot. Had suffered a lost I wasn’t prepared for. Had been thrown into a new life because of it. I was drowning, still and I did need a life raft. If not for me, for my kids. They neededme back at one hundred percent and these days I was barely functioning at a forty.
The only reason I got up in the morning was because I had to. If I didn’t have responsibilities and shit, I’d stay in bed. And on the days that I didn’t have to work, that’s what I did. Laid in bed, letting Diary do what she wanted to. She ran around, full off microwaved dinners and junk food most of the time over the weekend. I didn’t spend time getting to know her. I didn’t play with her like I used to with my other kids. And if on the rare occasion they were over that weekend, I still stayed in bed. I just let them do them while I laid there thinking about Mahogany and what I missed about her.
A nigga was depressed.
I wasn’t ashamed to admit it. I’d never been depressed in my life, but I knew that's what it was. I didn’t genuinely smile. I wasn’t happy. I was just existing and that’s not the way I wanted to live for the rest of my life. I said losing her would be like losing myself and that’s exactly what it had been like. I wasn’t living. Couldn’t for real. Not without my heart. But like I said, I couldn’t carry on like this. I needed to find a way out. And maybe the first step in that direction would be through therapy. Didn't know if I would fuck with Nikki though. I’d probably look into someone else. Start fresh.
“Good morning, Duke,”said my coworker, Juanita, standing in the doorway of my office.
I looked up from the computer screen and rubbed my eyes. “What up, Juanita?”
She walked into the office and closed the door behind her. “I was thinking about going to Chili’s for lunch. You wanna come with me?”
I stretched. Was tired as hell. Barely slept last night and had to be up early to get Diary ready for ma’s crib. “Nah, I’m good, Juanita. I appreciate it though.”
She poked her bottom lip out and nodded. “Okay. I’m just asking because I see you don’t bring lunches anymore and… something seems a little different about you.”
Nobody at work knew about the divorce. Fuck would they? I didn’t go around broadcasting shit. I kept my personal life and work life separate. These muthafuckas loved to gossip. I wasn’t about to be the topic of conversation. Fuck no.
“Something seems a lil different, huh?” I asked with a snort. “I’m cool.”
She squinted. “Are you though?”
“Yeah,” I said with a laugh.
She pulled a chair out and sat at the desk. “You’ve been spending a lot of time alone in this office. Ain’t participated in meetings like you used to. Haven’t cracked your usual jokes. I’d say something was very different about you.”
Was itthatobvious? I had been chilling. Hadn’t wanted to participate in anything but the shit I had to participate in; like coming to work and being a father. I didn’t care for anything in between. I probably should have done a better job keeping up appearances if I didn’t want people to raise a brow.
“Nah…”
“Alright look,” she paused. “You don’t have to tell me your business. At least let me buy you lunch. We can sit here together and eat. If you don’t mind, I’d like to keep you company.”
Juanita was cool. We’d been working together for years, since I started here. It was all love. When she was married, Mahogany and I went out with her and her husband. She wasrecently divorced. I couldn’t remember how long it’d been for her but yeah… they broke up and she was around here acting different too. However, the only difference between her and I was that everybody knew about her divorce. She had to change the name on her paperwork and the news traveled like wildfire. I wondered if she peeped the changes in me because she’d been here before.
“I’m cool?—“
“I’m not taking no for an answer,” she interrupted. “I know something’s up. Like I said, I won’t pry. I won’t get up in your business like that because it’s not my place to. I just want you to know that you have some people around here that really do care about your wellbeing, okay?” She pushed up from the chair and took a deep breath. “I’ll get Bucharest instead. I remember you campaigning for it a couple months ago when the bosses came in to treat us. Cool?”
I stared up at her for a second before telling her it was cool. She gave me a soft smile, nodded, and walked out. I didn’t know what her angle was. Maybe she was just being nice and wanted to grab me something to eat. Maybe she was on some flirtatious shit. I hoped it was the latter because I was in no mood to entertain a woman. Felt like I’d never be there again. I didn’t have a bitter bone in my body about it neither. I didn’t want women—I wanted one woman and if I couldn’t have her… I was smooth.
“Say it ain’t so,”said Tank on the other end of the phone.
I hopped on the freeway. “What?”
“You and Talia bro,” he said through a sigh.
I brushed my hand down over my waves and let out a deep breath. “Man, what?”
“You heard me nigga. You smashed that messy ass bitch? Bro what was you thinkin? You better hope and pray she don’t go back to NeNe with that shit.”
I was headed to moms crib after work when Tank called me. I thought he was about to invite me to the game night I seen Char posting about the other day. I was prepared to decline it too. I wasn’t fucking with Tank’s crib for a minute because of Talia’s ass. I didn’t want to see her because I knew that the moment we were in the same room together she was going to be on fuck shit. I didn’t have it in me to deal with that shit. I was chilling. What I didn’t expect was for him to hit me with the question he hit me with. I couldn’t even say I was surprised he knew though. Of course, Talia told Char. Bitch was messy and probably couldn’t wait to brag about it.
“Mannnn,” I stressed. “Don’t matter if she go to Mahogany with that shit or not. We finished.”
I said it with an attitude, like I didn’t give a fuck but deep down inside saying it stung like a muthafucka. I didn’t know when or if I’d ever get to a point in my life where saying those words didn’t sting. Mahogany would forever be the one that got away.
