“Mmmh. So, something did happen? What’s your intentions with bro? You just having fun or…”
“Judah, what is it to you?”
He shrugged. “He’s bro. I give a fuck about what’s going on because he’s bro. Simple.” He paused and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his dark gray slacks. Again, he shrugged. “He’s been through a lot. And every time you’re brought up his vibechanges. Been that way since the first meeting. He’s territorial as hell about you. And these days when you’re brought up… something happens with his eyes. I don’t know. But what I do know is that he fucks with you. Heavy as hell. And shit… I guess I’m wondering if the feelings are mutual. Not because I’m salty about it but because like I said… I give a fuck about bro.”
I was caught off guard. Was Judah really checking my temperature for his boy? Not from a place of jealousy but from a place of genuine concern for his friend? What type of…
“You serious?”
“As hell.” He paused and brushed his hand over the stubble on his cheek. “I know… crazy coming from me, considering our history but… it is what it is. I had you the way I had you. I don’t need you anymore. When you cut ties, you cut ties. I’m not a selfish nigga. I can walk away when ties are severed. We had our run. You two met. Somethings there. I won’t come in between it because of what we had going on. Feel me? I’m just wondering… if you fucking with bro, are youreallyfucking with bro or am I going to have to look up one day and see you the way I saw you a minute ago?”
He was asking about Pandora’s, wondering if I would be going back. Checking to see if I was all in with Crescent or not. The shit was odd. Didn’t really make any sense coming from Judah all things considered. But at the same time, it did make sense. He knew me at my rawest. Seen me at vulnerable stages in my life, in a very peculiar place. Of course he was checking. I didn’t blame him. If the roles were reversed I would be on the same type of time.
“Nothing is going on between Mr. Carter and I,” I said, gripping the strap of my purse as it dangled in front of me.
He turned his mouth down with a nod. “So, in a couple month’s I won’t hear nothing about y’all?”
I thought about where Crescent and I stood and shook my head.
“No. You won’t.”
He nodded. “Yeah aight, Mo—I mean, shit… Mahogany.”
I looked over at him with raised brows as he looked straight ahead, wearing a smile. “Beautiful work you’ve done here. Crescent is going to be pleased when I report back.”
Just like that, the conversation had switched back over to business. I didn’t address him calling him Mo, and he didn’t mention the possibility of Crescent and I again. We concluded the meeting with a firm handshake, and I headed home to get ready for my dinner with Em but not before sending Crescent a condolences message.
“I’m sorry, Mahogany,”said Emerald, shaking her head. “I wasn't the biggest fan of your marriage. You know that. But I won’t sit up here and act like... oh yay! Finally! Because I know that was hard for you. Hard on the kids too.”
We were at dinner. After finally answering her call the other day, we agreed to meet up. She wanted me to come to Pandora’s, I declined. Even took it as far as canceling my membership. She didn’t ask questions initially. Didn’t ask what was up until we got to together. Nothing was up. I was just ready to close that door. I didn’t have a need for Pandora’s anymore. It was no longer a part of my life. And after I told her about everything that transpired, she understood.
“It’s cool,” I said with a shrug. “Shit... I feel like yay.”
She twisted her lips up. “Do you though?”
I shook my head and went for my glass. “I mean... hell... I feel a lot of things Em.”
“And yay ain’t one of them,” she mumbled. “Don’t lie.”
I did feel a lot of things. And she was right... I didn't feel likeyay. I felt like... what now? I was lost. Confused. Hopeful. Shit... a little hopeless. I didn’t really see that bright light at the end of the tunnel. I knew it was there... it just felt light years away. Like I’d never reach it. But the fact that it was there kept me going.
I didn’t know what I expected life after filing for divorce to be like. Like I said before, I couldn’t see it. Into the future. Not like how’re able to see what the next twenty-four might look like... I couldn’t. I just knew that despite what I felt and what I was going through, I’d keep going in the direction that was forward. At this point in my life, going backward would be easy. Begging Duke for forgiveness, telling him I could see past Diary... it would be the easy way out. And going forward with a ton of uncertainty was the hard route. I was done doing the easy stuff. Done settling. Whatever life had in store for me, I was ready for it.
“How do youreallyfeel?” Emerald asked, after taking a sip of her drink.
I circled the rim of my glass with my finger, really pondering her question. It would be easy for me to just say I was scared and unsure about the future but that would only be half of the truth.
“I’m scared as hell,” I said with a laugh. “But at the same time... I’m excited. I’ve never been this version of myself. It’s exciting, I guess. To finally get to see who I am without him.”
She nodded. “I get that. You don’t really know who you are without him. Y’all were together for a long ass time. Who you were with him is all you know.” She paused and took a sip of her drink. “I’ll tell you one thing you have to look forward to.”
“What’s that?” I questioned.
“Peace. The peace that comes from being alone. Why do you think I’ve been single for so long? I’m not willing to disrupt it. I don’t have time to check phones, worry about this... worry about that. I like things the way they are. And if you want a piece ofadvice... don’t risk it. For anybody. Not now, NeNe. Not for a long time. Peace is an expensive currency. Don’t be willing to give it up so easily.”
Emerald had been single for years. She said her last relationship was when she was in her mid to late twenties. It’d been so long for her that she’d lost count. She was in her mid-forties and had friends, but that was about it. I believed her what she said about peace. She seemed happy. Was always glowing, never stressed about a man. She was free. And I wanted that freedom. I wanted a piece of that peace she talked about. I couldn’t remember a time that I had it.
I fantasized about it. I closed my eyes briefly and thought about myself at that beachfront hotel I wanted to escape to, alone, with the wind blowing in my hair. I thought about what that would feel like.
