“I wish I could tell you it’s fine and it didn’t hurt, but that’s not true. Although I don’t think you were completely off base on some of it, Mads. Yes, it hurt but some of it was true. And some if it I needed to hear.” He catches me completely off guard with that admission. Maybe Joslyn was right that both sides needed to do the work.
“Wait. Really? I don’t understand.”
“Before we go into that, there’s something I need to tell you. Something that happened to me when I was a rookie. Something that contributed to my actions that night. It’s not easy for me to talk about, so if you could just let me get it out before you say anything. Well, that would help.”
I can tell, just by what he’s said, that I’m not going to like what I hear, but I agree to let him tell his story before I say anything.
“I’m not sure if you know just how shitty things were before Tad Robertson died and Joslyn took over. What happened with the rookies that night had been happening for years. It wasn’t always the exact same situation, but it was always humiliating and painful. And it wasn’t just Karl. It was our old captains, the coach, everyone all the way up to Tad himself. There was no way to fight it, so we just had to watch it happen year after year.”
“It happened to you too, didn’t it Liam?” I ask softly, but I already know the answer, just by the look on his face. He nods. My heart aches with empathy for rookie Liam, and the tears come before I can stop them. Suddenly, everything that happened that night makes sense in a way that I couldn’t see before.
“Oh God, Liam. And then I made it worse. I’m so, so sorry.” The tears are flowing in earnest now, and if I thought I felt terrible before, it’s nothing on what I’m feeling right now.
“Hey, pretty girl. Please don’t cry for me, okay. I can’t stand to see you cry.” He pulls me across the couch and into his lap, cradling me against him, wiping away my tears and kissing the top of my head. I find it amazing that he’s the one comforting me, even after everything I said.
“It’s in the past now, Mads, and I’m okay. But you were right that this was on me as captain. I should have done more to keep Bell in check from the beginning. I should have done more to protect the rookies, and I should not have gone after Bell first. I lost my temper, Mads, and you were right. I don’t get that luxury as a leader, and that isn’t what a grown adult should do. I let my experience dictate the way I handled that entire situation. And sure, maybe there still would have been a fistfight, but it wouldn’t have been me that started it. If I’m even more honest, maybe none of this would have happened if I’d gone to Damon and Coach about it to begin with.”
“I don’t know about that. I’m feeling like I want to start a fistfight with that asshole myself, now. I really can’t blame you for going after him. You know Joslyn said you showed remarkable restraint and I’m going to have to agree with her at this point.”
Liam tightens his arms around me before he plants a few more kisses on my forehead.
“I like feisty Maddie.” He says with a wicked grin.
I wiggle off his lap and move back across the couch. I love where this is going, but I feel like we’ve got more to say to each other before we get sidetracked again.
“There’s more to discuss I think.” I tell him as I settle into the corner of the couch.
He sighs, but admits that there is more to talk about. He gestures for me to begin again.
“So, I’m not sure if you’ve talked to Walker, but he came to see me right after our fight. Did he tell you that?”
“Only that you guys had talked but not about what.”
“Well, the specifics are as important as what I learned about myself because of our talk.”
“Like what?”
“That I have some residual anger and resentment from my parents’ deaths and some issues from my childhood that I need to work through. Issues that caused me to develop some bad habits with anger and conflict. I’ve taken that anger and resentment out on other people, including you, and I’ve hurt them. I don’t want to do that anymore. So, I’m seeing someone who’s helping me work through all those issues. I don’t want to hurt you like that ever again, Liam.”
“I think that’s great. I’m so glad to see you taking steps like this. I’ve always felt like you never got a chance to properly grieve them, with all the responsibilities you had to take on after they passed. You know I’ll support you however you need me to while you work through all this.”
“Yeah, for the first time in my life, I think I do know that I have the support I need to get through this. I have to ask you, though, what is this? Us? What are we? I know that not everything needs to be defined, but for me, knowing what we are is important.”
It takes him a few minutes to answer me, and despite my earlier confidence, I have a stab of panic that maybe I’ve read this wrong and it doesn’t mean as much to him as it does to me.
“I never told you this,” he says carefully, “but I’ve had feelings for you for a long time. A very long time.”
“Exactly how long?”
“High school. You blew me away the first time I met you, Mad girl. You’re like a whirlwind, blowing straight through me and carrying my heart away with you. You’ve had it ever since and now I don’t want it back. I want you to keep it. Just like I want to keep yours.”
Oh my God. That has got to be the sweetest, most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me. How have I ever lived without this man in my life?
“Well, it’s yours. I think you’ve had it for just as long, even if neither one of us knew it. I love you, Liam Ferguson.” And that’s it, I can’t take sitting all the way across the couch from him. He meets me halfway, pulling me in for a scorching kiss. For a while there’s nothing but heat and need and tangling tongues. Finally, when we have to pull away so we can breathe, he rests his forehead against mine.
“I love you, Madison King. Always and forever. You’re it for me, Mad girl, and you always have been.”
“Always and forever, hockey boy.”
