“Maddie bear, open up. I know you’re in there.”
Why is Walker here? He’s the last person I want to see today, well, except maybe Liam.
Keep telling yourself that.
“I’m not home.” I shout back.
“Really, Mads? That’s what you’re going with? We need to talk.”
Ugh. It’s the last thing I want to do, but then again, I’ve been doing things I don’t want to do for years, so I answer the door on autopilot. Blond hair askew and slightly damp, Walker’s smile is tentative. He looks me up and down, then frowns.
“Wow, you look like shit.” That’s my brother, the diplomat.
“Thanks for that.” I inform him as he walks right in. Yeah, come on in, bro. It’s fine.
“Wow this place is immaculate. I can still smell the bleach so you must have been pissed.” Seriously?
“Wow, way to improve my mood. Why are you here?” I glare at him as I slam the door shut. Not sure if I’m more pissed off that he walked in without an invitation or if it’s simply the fact that he’s here. Both probably.
“What do you need, Walks? It’s been a long day, and I’m exhausted. Can this wait until tomorrow?” I flop down heavily on the couch.
“I can see that, and no, it can’t.” He says as he sits down beside me. I simply stare at him, annoyance oozing from every pore.
He grimaces at my expression.
“Uh, I thought we should maybe talk about a few things.” Fantastic. Now he wants a heart to heart.
“Fine. Talk.” He looks uncomfortable, restlessly shifting around in his seat before glancing away and reaching down to pet the dog instead of talking. We sit in awkward silence for a few minutes before he says.
“I swear I’m not trying to be a dick, but I can tell you’re mad at me and you have been for a while. A long while.”
My head pops up to meet his gaze. Not what I was expecting.
“I’m fine.” I say.
“But you’re not, Mads. You’re really not. You’re mad. All the time and I think it’s my fault.”
“What?” I’m stunned by that statement.
“I remember... before. When mom and dad dragged you to my games, I know you hated it. And I know that hockey meant you never got to do stuff you wanted to do. I saw the way they never paid attention to you and I’m sure that really sucked for you.”
I don’t say anything because I can’t. We’ve never talked about this. The “before” time when they were alive. Because it sucked, and who wants to say shit like that after they died? People die and then suddenly they’re saints. No matter what really happened. Even us. We just pretended that “before” everything was fine. Great even.
I remember everything everyone said at the funeral. All of it.
“They were such wonderful parents”
“So supportive of their children.”
Every single thing people said to me at the funeral was a lie, and it proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that no one would speak the truth and they wouldn’t want to hear mine. Eventually, I let the tears flow so people would stop talking to me. Pro tip. No one wants to talk to the criers.
The thing is... I wasn’t sad. I was furious. Everyone acted as though dying erased all the hurtful things they did. Every bit of the criticism and indifference. Every bit of the judgment and inattention. Ignored. And the worst part about it was that it was just me dealing with it. Sure, it wasn’t easy for Walker either, but he had hockey. I had... well, nothing until Kenji.
“I wasn’t sad when they died, Mads.” Walker’s words bring me back to the present. “Not the way you’re supposed to be. I was relieved. Relieved I didn’t have to sit though any more breakdowns of everything I did wrong. Sure, I felt something but it took me far too long to realize it wasn’t from missing them. It was because I wished things had been different. Thattheyhad been different.“ Walker continues. “Look, I get that you hate talking about this but I need to, Mads. I’ve been carrying around so much resentment, and it’s eating me alive. I need to get it out and you’re the only other person who lived it with me, and I think it’s eating you too. More than you’ll admit.”
“You’re mad?” I ask. “At mom and dad or at me?”
“Mom and dad. Not you. Well not about this anyway.”
