“Can’t or won’t?”
“Both,” William said breathlessly.
Something horrid and beastly cracked within his chest. All fangs and sharp claws. It overcame William, dragging him down to the floor, not a muscle free of tremors.
Slowly, he slipped to the floor, his body giving up. He bowed his head, not noticing Edward close the space between them until his body was bathed in the other man’s shadow.
Tears left scars down his cheeks. William didn’t bother to lift a hand to wipe them away. He just let the river flow, hoping that if he did it wouldn’t continue to drown him.
“Do you know, across all religions and beliefs, the strongest tie that binds them is the concept of sharing pain? Whether it is in prayer, in manifestation or spell work. The idea of handing over your suffering to a greater power is shared. Help me understand you. Because maybe, just maybe, by doing so you can understand that with me, you can be safe. Even if only for the next few days. Or, for as long as you can cope with me.”
William cocked his head up, finding enough confidence to fix his eyes back on Edward. It would’ve been easier to lie – to come up with one of a hundred excuses as he had before, to explain why he was so cold, so closed off. But before he could grasp one, he found the painful truth ooze out of him.
It was more the thunderous spilling of a cracked dam than the gentle slip of a lazy river.
“Archie died because of me,” William said, hating how accurate those words were. “I killed him.”
“That’s not true,” Edward laid gentle fingers beneath William’s jaw, stopping him from looking away. “Lying isn’t going to make you feel better.
“Yes. It is true. Archie died because I sent him out in the rain. My reaction and decisions put him on that bike and made him cycle out into the road. It was because of me that the car hit him. And I live with the weight of that realisation every second of every bastard day.”
Edward replied with the release of a heavy breath. He didn’t ask more questions. He didn’t even press for more information. Not that he needed to, because that faucet of William’s heart had opened, and there was no shutting it now.
A faucet had been opened, and the agony came rushing out.
“I found out Archie was cheating on me,” William continued. “The man who I’d planned to spend the rest of my life with, the man who made me feel so safe, so loved that I never would imagine it possible that he could do something so unkind to me. And do you know what the worst part is? Finding out the man you gave your heart to didn’t treat it with the respect it deserved. And he’ll never get the chance to explain himself. To do so much as apologise. Maybe he wouldn’t have done that anyway, or maybe he would have. But I took that chance from him. I took his future from him the moment I kicked him out of the house. I stood and watched from our balcony as the rain fell hard and Archie cycled away. Forever. All I could think about was where he was going to go. Was it straight into the arms of the other man, or maybe to his family? Either way, that was another question that I’d never get answers to. Because the car came out and hit him.”
“It isn’t your fault,” Edward said, using the same words the therapists, doctors, and specialists all used. He clasped firm but caring hands on either side of William’s face, holding him in place. “It. Isn’t. Your. Fault.”
Edward had tears in his eyes, clinging to those beautifully dark lashes, making the brown of his stare glisten like raw gems.
“And yet, if I hadn’t kicked him out, he wouldn’t be dead. Car or not. He would still be alive. Do you really think you have the answers to make me feel better? Because no one else has this far. Imagine how I felt when I sat with Archie’s parents as they screamed beside his dead body, asking why, why, why… Then I answered them. Because I couldn’t hear them ask that question anymore, I’ll never forget the silence that followed when I explained why their precious son was on the bike in the first place. How I put him there because I was angry.”
“Heartbroken,” Edward said. “You were acting from a place of heartbreak, that was all.”
“No, Edward. You’re wrong. Because what I felt in that moment was nothing compared to watching Archie’s body bounce across the wet road. It was nothing compared to finding him, broken and bleeding, on the street.Thatwas heartbreak. What I’d experienced in the moments before was anger. I acted from a place of selfishness.”
“Yes, you kicked him out, but if he was honest with you then he may never have needed to get on that bike.”
“It’s easier for you to say,” William replied, tears cutting rivers down his face. “I didn’t really give him the chance to be honest. Something else I took away from him.”
“It will always be easier for anyone else to say the truth and harder for you to believe it. Life is unfair, William. It’s horrible and mean, uncaring and evil. But that’s only one side to the coin. Life can also be beautiful, if only you look hard enough.”
“When?” William sobbed, more tears falling, more pain gripping his entire being. “When will I ever see past this dark clouds?”
“When you give yourself the chance.”
William couldn’t help but laugh. It came out misplaced and ugly, but still, he couldn’t stop it. “You say that after everything that’s happened since I’ve been here. I’ve left one hell for another. More proof that I don’t deserve any of what you’ve just said.”
“Then stop running and face what’s waiting before you,” Edward said. “It’s your only option. The first step to truly healing.”
His words were like a slap to the face. The sting far outweighed the guilt William had felt waking up in the arms of another man – a man who wasn’t Archie. All this because he allowed himself to feel comfortable and safe in the arms of another when he knew that only he could look after himself.
“I’m not running.”
“No?”
“No.”
