Yet I believed him. I had seen addicts before, I had seen what they could be like, and this was different. I still needed to report it, but I hoped to convince him to come with me. That would mean he was showing signs that he was genuine. And if it turned out my worst fear was right, and he was a self-deluding addict, he could get the help he needed to find something else, anything else.
I opened my mouth, and he sighed. “Look, I know that now you know my secret, you have to do your due diligence. I understand that in your line of work, it’s necessary to report whenever you find evidence of something that might appear to be drug abuse. I get that completely. All I’m asking is?—”
He stopped, and I realized he couldn’t say what he was asking, because he had never asked something like that of anyone. Rowan operated on the principles of evidence, logic, and reason. He believed what his eyes told him, especially what the evidence told him. I had accidentally come across his stash of pills, I had found his dirty little secret, and I had heard a tale that I was sure sounded doubtful even to his ears.
So, I reached over and took his hand in mine and told him what he wanted to hear. “I believe you, okay? You’re right. I do have to report this, and what I really want is for you to be there when I do, so everyone is on the same page at the same time.”
“I can do that,” he said, his voice small.
“But that doesn’t have to happen right this second,” I said, standing up, pulling him to his feet, gently guiding him over to the bed where I sat down and waited to see what he would do.
Rowan hesitated, looking around as if there was something that could hold him back from coming to bed with me, or the answer to whatever question was burning his head at that moment. I waited, watching him, before he finally sighed heavily and sat on the bed next to me. He didn’t do anything at first, just sat there, staring at the opposite wall, but the distance in his gaze told me he wasn’t actually present, and I continued to sit there, our knees gently pressing together, and let him have his moment.
I watched the tension in his shoulders slowly drain away until he was just a man who had opened up about the greatest struggle he had been forced to go through on his own, one who had been carrying the weight of something no one else could begin to understand. I couldn’t imagine what was going through his mind, but if I were to guess, I would think he was a little shell-shocked as he tried to understand what had just happened, what he had just confessed, and how I had taken it without batting an eye.
Eventually, I risked lying on my side to give him space. The movement caught his attention, and he glanced at me with a confused expression before nodding and lying down as well. I was surprised when he turned his back, allowing me to wrap my arms around him and hold him close. I could feel the beat of his heart beneath my hand on his chest, slowing to a steady, peaceful rhythm as we lay there in shared silence.
“I don’t know what I was expecting,” he began softly, his voice rough as if he hadn’t used it for days. “But I definitely didn’t expect you to...accept it so easily.”
“Why?”
“Because I know how it sounds, it sounds exactly how you were first looking at me.”
“How was I looking at you?”
“Like I was an addict. And everything that followed sounded like an addict coming up with the saddest story imaginable, so you felt bad enough to go along with what I said. Like I was making the excuses addicts have made time and time again, a story as old as time.”
“If we’re going to be honest, that could still be the case. I could be wrong.”
“And if you are?”
“Then I’m wrong. Addicts aren’t inherently bad people just because they’re addicts; they’re...people in a bad place, and if they’re willing to accept it, they need help. Maybe you are that person who needs help, and you’ll need to accept it. But if not, if I was right to believe you from the moment you started explaining yourself, then we can figure something out for that too. Maybe not me, figuring out what to do about that seems above my pay grade, but that’s the point of Arete, Rowan, to help people who need it. The important part is that you need to be willing to make that step and ask for help.”
“Is this attitude a product of your job, or the reason you have this job?”
“I like to think my view is why I have the job, but even then, I still have a job to do, rules that need to be followed.”
“I meant what I said. I won’t begrudge you needing to report this. Once you were aware of it, you became complicit in what I was doing. I understand how this works.”
“I appreciate your understanding, but,” I leaned in closer, planting a kiss to the back of his neck, “I also need you to understand that even if I wasn’t obligated by the rules, I would still want to bring others into this. No matter what’s going on between us, what we share or don’t share, I want to help you. And sometimes, helping means understanding that you lack the tools, resources, or even personality to help someone directly.”
He snorted softly. “If only more people understood when they were in over their heads.”
I laughed a little. “Seriously? I’ve been in over my head; kinda comes with bouncing between jobs, locations, and friends. Eventually, you find yourself staring down the barrel of a situation you’re not ready for. I learned a long time ago that the only way out of a bad situation is to seek help...or get the hell out.”
“Escape does sound good,” he muttered, making me smile. “For whatever it’s worth, thank you...and I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“Being here, being forced to deal with this.”
I snorted. “Shush, that’s literally what I signed up for.”
“Exactly this?”
“Well, no, but the possibility. And I’m glad to, so stop.”
To my surprise, he did stop, taking a deep breath, and I felt the last shreds of tension leave his body as he lay there, letting me wrap my arms around him. It was probably confusing to have someone believe him so readily, but I had noticed over the weeks that he was surprisingly good at accepting people for who they were, without trying to change them. He might have been irritable about how people were, as he had been with me, but once he foundsomethingthat helped him understand someone’s behavior, he settled in comfortably and did not worry about changing them. It had allowed him to accept how Claywas, though I still didn’t know what he’d seen that had let him accept the man as he was.
