Close enough for another swing at me.
Also, very well deserved.
I run my hand along the nape of my neck, sweat forming in all its glory to let all who can see that I’m shaking in my boots.
Rejection has never been my strong suit.
Especially from this man standing before me.
“Sorry, Colt, what do you need me to do?” I change my statement quickly, trying hard not to piss him off more than I already have.
He shakes his head, doing his best to find the words he wants to say. This isn’t about work.
This is aboutus.
“Why did you do it?” Is all he manages out, refusing to look at my face, instead his eyes keep locked on my boots.
I open my mouth to speak but the words refuse to come out,just like they have done for such a long time.
“Why did you leave and not speak to any of us?” He asks again, changing his words, hoping it’ll encourage me to speak. “I need to know,” he finishes.
I sigh, taking my cowboy hat off my head and placing it firmly on the hook by Stallions stable; I know I’ll regret that as soon as the shit spots it.
“Colter,” I manage out, the words unable to find me.
“Why did you leave me?” I hear, the words almost a whisper and I lock my eyes with my best friend.
“I’m sorry, Colt, I was in a bad way. Being away for that short amount of time hurt-” I pause, pulling off the handkerchief wrapped around my neck. “It fucking killed, like my chest was constantly tugging against me. I missed your sister; I missed you.” Colter stares at me, fire reigniting behind his eyes at my admission.
“People were different, too different for me. I was desperate to come home. I needed you guys.” The lump forming in my throat, and the pain rising in my chest.
“I had a ring in my pocket, ready to stay home; and thenhehappened.” My voice turns stern with underlying anger towards the man who tried to ruin my life.
“I won’t bore you with the details, but now I know I went into a severe depression, losing her over that lie; I shut the world out. Barely made it through college, just got lucky when a guy I knew was hiring; that’s when I knew I needed help.” I pause again, doing my best to find the words I needed to try and convince my best friend that I meant it; I was ready to stay home with them.
“My boss suggested therapy once the panic attacks left me in hospital. There I learned that I most likely had prolonged grief disorder. I also found out that it was rare in my case as the person I grieved wasn’t dead.” Sharing my story out loud, was lifting a weight I never realised I had. Colter’s eyes and attention fully still with me.
“Even after the years of therapy, I still couldn’t figure out why I just walked away. Why I never came to you; but once I crossed the border into territory I’d avoided for so long, because the pain in my chest became too much for me to handle, the pain subsided because of your sister, because of you-” Colter’s fire now turning into sorrow; the anger leaving his body as I speak the truth.
“Since I’ve been home, I’ve realised, the reason I disappeared, is because, if it was true, I couldn’t be rejected by you all.” Now the tears arefalling from my eyes.
“I’d rather walk away quietly so she was happy, than having her turn me away. Because she, is the reason I breathe. She, is the one thing that kept me alive. Loving her has never been an option, I was born to make sure she’s happy and loved; and if that was with him, then I was right to walk away. If he could love her better than I could, then I’d have happily died, knowing that I’d done my duty. She may have not been mine anymore, but I could have watched away from the sidelines, in the hopes that one day; she’d be mine again.”
Colter stares into my soul, not moving an inch. I watch the wheels in his head turning, calculating, listening to my admissions.
The silence screaming loud throughout the barn; my mind spinning a thousand miles an hour; panic set in my chest.
I suck in a hard breath, “I thought that rejection would ruin me, so I kept away. Instead, it caused so much more damage.” I pull my head down in shame, shame that one fucking stupid lie caused so much damage.
“No, Mav’. You didn’t cause the damage.He did.” The fire in his eyes returning through the damp.
“He did this to us.” My eyes lock with him and I know in this moment;he understands.
Colter finally moves from his statue like stance, readjusts his hat before holding out his hand towards me. My face, hard and worn through the years of unnecessary torment being held against me, softening at my best friend since childhood finally understood my reasonings.
Placing my hand firmly into his, I hold tight of his grasp, before being pulled into an embrace by him; the one person I’d needed all this time; the one who’d pull me out of my shit.
“I’m sorry, brother,” I say pulling away to face him with a relieved grin.
