He dropped his arms and stepped toward where she sat on the bed. “I was only going to send you away because you seemed miserable with me.”
She shook her head. “I was never miserable with you, but if you will hold me in contempt for giving them money when I should not have, then I may as well go home.” She would never feel like she was at home at Longbourn. Home was wherever Darcy was, little good that did her if he never forgave her, even if he did not hate her enough to shame her and divorce her.
“It is not about finding you contemptible or wanting to send you away,” he breathed. “I condemn everything spoken with a view to deceive, and your omission of these circumstances…your declarations that all was well when clearly you were distraught…”
“So I have alienated your affections, your respect?” she whispered. She had no more tears to cry. “I could not allow Wickham to blacken your good name and destroy our marriage. We have worked too hard for me to be accepted and show that at least one Darcy union was not a mistake.”
“You need not do that alone! I am far angrier at being kept from the secret than you being entangled. You lied.” She flinched, but he was right. He collected himself, and in a gentler voice said, “I would have helped you.”
“Why would I assume you would believe me, let alone help me?”
“If my beloved wife was threatened? I would move heaven and earth to help her.”
“I am not a beloved wife.” Her voice cracked. “I am respected, or at least I was. I am not loved. I have not earned that, so how could I assume you would support me when faced with such evidence?”
“I do—” He opened his mouth again, but then changed his mind about what to say. “Respect must be earned. To pretend to respect someone before you do creates a lie between you that cannot beovercome. But love is not like that.” He gave her a long look then asked, “Did you think you had to restore my sister to me, convince her to leave Wickham like we failed to do in Scotland, for me to love you?”
“It would help.”
“Love is not a finite resource to be parcelled out,” said Darcy, as he walked with quick steps back and forth past the foot of her bed.
“But it is earned.”
He shook his head. “I do not believe that, but if that is the case, what must I do to earn yours? Is there a list of tasks I can complete?”
“You already have.” He stopped pacing and stared. He was being sarcastic, and had not expected her answer. This was not how she wanted to tell Darcy she had fallen in love with him. “You offered to rescue Lydia. You married me to protect my good name. You provided for my financial well-being. You have been kind to me and never blamed me for our forced marriage.”
Her declaration, such as it was, seemed to baffle him. “You do not owe me love for doing what any decent man would do.”
“I love you all the same.” He gaped at her in open-mouthed surprise. Was her love unwanted? “You are clever and generous and serious and amiable and proud and humorous. You are exactly the person best suited to make me happy. And you have integrity. And you would hate me forever if I allowed Wickham to ruin you.”
Darcy threw up his hands. “He is a scoundrel not worth listening to! He would have made his accusations, and I would have stood by you and weathered the storm.”
“You never chose to marry me,” she murmured, “so why would I assume you would stand by me when I faced public punishment?”
“I choose you every day since, and is that not better?” he cried. “I choose to be happy with you, to honour and keep you. I have entwined my life with yours when we might have simply shuffled through life on parallel paths. Have I not shown you that, far from regretting marrying you, I am delighted that I found you?”
“I was just so ashamed,” she admitted in a whisper. “I offered to help Georgiana after you said any money through our hands would just give Wickham funds to drink and game—and I let him believe he could get more. It does not matter that I did it to protect you. I gave hermy own money twice. I invited her into the house. I stole household money. I lied to you. I am so sorry.”
Elizabeth covered her face with her hands as shame crushed her heart. She heard Darcy move around the bed and then he gently pulled down her hands. She wished she had the right to hold his.
“Georgiana stole from you and violated your trust, and Wickham would have rejoiced to disgrace us. You may have kept a secret from me, but their behaviour is not your fault.”
“I allowed them to nearly ruin us. I should have listened to you, but I so badly wanted to do something that would make you happy. I thought I could convince her.”
“She is wretchedly blind,” he insisted, “even if she could not bring herself to ruin you. You take care of your sisters, and so you wanted to protect Georgiana. You want to repair my relationship with her, but that is not your responsibility or even in your power.” As though a thought had just come to him, he mused, “I wonder if you are so concerned with taking care of people because no one took care of you?”
Elizabeth was struck silent as he continued. “Whom have you ever relied on in your whole life? You never turned to your parents for help, I am sure of it.”
“They, they do love me,” she stammered.
“I never said they do not. I said you could not rely on them. You have an indolent father who mocks everyone, and a mother incapable of exertion who favours some of her children over others. In Ramsgate, did you think to send for your father to rush to London to intercept Lydia? You went to Ramsgate to care for Kitty and mind Lydia because you knew your mother would not. Neither in a crisis nor in your daily life could you depend on anyone.”
“I, I can turn to Jane for sympathy, and my friend Charlotte for advice. And, and the Gardiners would help if I asked.”
“I agree they would, if you ever thought to impose on them. But neglectful parents taught you to manage things on your own.”
Elizabeth dropped her gaze. He was right. She felt even more foolish now for not confiding in Darcy when Wickham made his threat. She could depend on Darcy—had, in fact, seen him as trustworthy andcapable within days of meeting him. Had he not proven it when she begged for his help with Lydia? Darcy was responsible and wanted to take care of everyone, and by not turning to him, she had insulted that part of his nature as much as she hurt him with her lies.
