Now that she realised the reason for his concern, it made her angry. The last thing she needed was Mr Darcy’s worry in addition to her constant awareness of her own death. “I wanted to be a married woman before I died so I could be independent, to not be told where to go and when. I did not think you would be capricious or abuse your power over me as my husb?—”
“You might have been dead in a common field!”
She drew back. How many times did she try to forget how soon it would happen? “I need to be able to come and go as I please!” She could die while crossing a stile or while sleeping in her bed. Withoutwarning, her heart was going to stop and she would die a painful death. “I did not leave one oppressive house only to be oppressed byyou.”
Mr Darcy took a step closer and leant down to look directly into her face. “Your heart will give out. Suddenly and soon. And how will I learn of it? When one of your brother’s tenants finds you in his field the next morning? Heaven forbid you climb that hill with the oaks again, and it is days before anyone brings your body home! Did you not think that I might worry?”
“This is not aboutyou.Iam the one dying!” There was still a fire of anger in her chest, but tears welled in her eyes. She swallowed thickly and refused to blink. “You cannot comprehend the sorrow I feel, the anger. I am going to die. And I will walk wherever I like, whenever I like, before I do!”
Mr Darcy dropped his shoulders and sighed. Elizabeth bit her lip when his furious countenance turned to a more pitying expression. “I did not think that you needed to hear this, but no one else knows the truth so no one else can say it.” He dropped his voice. “You do not need it, but you have my leave to grieve for yourself.”
Elizabeth exhaled and looked at the unadorned ceiling beams. “I do not know what you mean.” It was not right to acknowledge her impending death, not when Georgiana had suffered more, was in pain for so long, and lived for less time.
“You are not lessening Georgiana’s memory if you think of your own death. It does not make you selfish. It is natural to feel ... whatever it is that you must feel to know you have a fatal disease.” Mr Darcy now stood closer, but she still would not look at him or speak. “I am exceedingly sorry about your heart.”
The tears in her eyes refused her unspoken command and fell. “Michaelmas does not seem as far away as it did in May as it does now in the middle of July. Knowing is a more terrible burden than wondering and worrying what was wrong with my heart ever was!”
She finally looked at him; her husband was nodding sympathetically. She allowed him to lead her to the sofa, and when they were seated, he raised his arm and she, just as naturally, rested her head against his chest while he put his arm around her. “You are not beingunjust to Georgiana’s memory to think of yourself. Whether you are angry or sad or?—”
“Iamangry. It is unfair. Why me...” Elizabeth brought an arm around his waist and began to sob. Mr Darcy’s arm tightened, and while he murmured quiet, commiserating utterances, he was mostly silent, allowing her to rail and cry until she was spent. After some time, she tried to sit up, but Mr Darcy brought his hand to her hair and gently pressed her head back into place against him.
“I was to take care of Georgiana. Loving and caring for her was supposed to give me a purpose at the end of my life.” Transferring that care and concern to her grieving brother, by default, could not hold the same importance as caring for Georgiana.
“You did that. You sincerely loved her and nursed her better than anyone else could have.”
She sniffled and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Mr Darcy brought out a handkerchief and gently dried her cheeks. “But you said it yourself: you thought I would die first. That is why you agreed to my scheme.”
“It was unkind of me to say that, and my frustration and sorrow can only explain it, not excuse it. But that is not the only?—”
“It is the most important reason, and I expected her to be the survivor, too. Knowing I would be of use to her, to be needed by her, was the only comfort I had. That is what gave me the courage to face every day knowing it might be my last.” She left unspoken how lost she often felt now.
She felt his fingertips rake gently across her hair. It was an absent-minded gesture, but it still felt affectionate. She began to cry again, for Georgiana, for herself, and for all the things that neither of them would have.
After a while, Mr Darcy said, “When Georgiana was dying, you implied that you would be happier here if I showed more care and respect for your feelings. I was not as kind to you as you deserved, and all of my grief and anger does not excuse that. Are we not better friends now than we were in the beginning?”
She nodded, her throat too raw from crying to speak.
“Then it is cruel of you to have no care for my feelings. I dare notdemand that you, you who sacrificed so much for Georgiana and who asks so little of me, account for your whereabouts. Will you please tell someone in the house where you intend to go and when you intend to return?”
She nodded again. There was no use in denying that she was fatally ill, and she thought too well of Mr Darcy’s general character—of him—to make him worry.
“How is your heart? Are you now in any pain?”
Elizabeth lifted her head, surprised at the question. “No. I have not had an attack since the day of Georgiana’s funeral.”
“Mr Jones wrote that any small excitement or exertion ought to be avoided. While crying your eyes out and ranting against the unjustness of it all is perfectly understandable, I worried that it?—”
“He also wrote that avoiding such things would make no difference, so I may as well do whatever I feel capable of.”
“I still feel that resting whenever possible is in your best interest. However, I have no objection to where you go so long as I can account for where you are.”
“If I drop dead crossing a stile, I promise that you will already know what meadow and what stile it was likely to be.”
“Must you tease?” he whispered.
“Yes, I think that I must. It helps me to cope. Despite my tears today, you cannot say that I do not continue tolerably well, all things considered.”
He gave a small nod and an even smaller smile. “You do get on well, much better than anyone would suppose possible if they knew the truth.”
