“I confess I was more concerned with my family name than her happiness. Oh, I stayed out of affection, but I also wanted to be at hand to convince her to give up her child. An isolated home was all she might expect from me if she kept him, and if I was here with her while she awaited the birth, I could remind her of all the comforts she would forsake if she kept the baby.”
“Another brother or father would have taken her child regardless of Georgiana’s wishes and not given her the choice. You cannot ever know how much the power of choice means to a dependent woman.”Her earnest expression faltered. “And you make it sound like a home like this would be a punishment.”
He sighed. “It is not the life I would have hoped for her. No brother would want an illegitimate birth and a lifetime of isolation and a ruined reputation for his sister. Be that as it may, I had hoped that by the time the child was born, or soon thereafter, I would have convinced Georgiana of the necessity of giving it up.”
“But she never saw the wisdom in that. She wanted her baby.”
“More and more with every passing day.” He gathered his thoughts under Mrs Darcy’s expectant gaze. “I would have seen to its care. I promised her that. It would have been a valued trust to me, and I gladly would have discharged it in the strictest sense by watching over his education myself, but I had no intention of the world knowing that Georgiana was ruined.”
“Her seducer did not know she expected a child?”
Darcy shook his head and paced, feeling Mrs Darcy’s curious gaze while he sorted his disturbed mind.
“He was born two months before his time, and until the last Georgiana swore that she would keep her child and that her reputation could go to the devil. She did not use those words, but that was her meaning. She said I could tell everyone she had died if I feared for my own good name, but she would keep her child always with her.”
“Her poor child was born too early. No one is ever going to know.”
“Yes, no one will know. But Mrs Darcy, Iwishedhim dead. I wished my innocent, unborn nephew would die the entire time we were here.” He could not stifle the sound of raw anguish that was wrenched from his throat of its own accord. “I was more worried about my family’s reputation than the life of my nephew. How much easier would it have been, how sooner might we have gone home if the child would simply...” He blew out a breath to keep any tears from forming. “You know not, you can scarcely conceive, how those hateful thoughts have tortured me since. I know no greater regret from my whole life.”
She was still and silent for a long while, and Darcy could not bring himself to look at her. “It is not your fault she bore her child too soon,” she said softly.
He heard the words, but they could not enter his heart. “He was very poorly, too small...”
“You saw him? You were there?”
“Of course I was there! Besides, there was no one else. We had planned to travel to another village this spring for her lying-in, but he was two months before his time. I told the servants they were at liberty for the day, and went for Mr Jones myself.
“It was all over quickly, but Georgiana might have died of a haemorrhage. She fainted, and she never even saw the baby. Mr Jones was preoccupied in saving my sister’s life. He must have known the infant was briefly alive, but afterwards he still said he would have the body placed in an adult’s coffin without anyone knowing?—”
He forced a calmness into his voice that he did not feel. “I had wished him dead every day for months, and I got my wish, but ... I had to watch him die. I took him in my arms—my hands, precisely. He was perfectly formed but so very small. It was as though his lungs could not draw breath.” He dared not look at Mrs Darcy and see her revulsion. “In those few seconds, I took it all back in my heart. I had never been more wrong about anything in all of my life! I would have begged, borrowed, or stolen to spare my nephew’s life.”
Guilt, and perhaps also loneliness, had robbed him of his dignity, stripped naked his fears, and exposed him worse than had he been stripped of his clothes in the village street. Darcy turned and left the room without another word.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Two hours ago, Elizabeth had watched from her window as Mr Darcy swiftly rode from the lodge with a recklessness that did not surprise her. It was as if he wished to flee from his own raw, consuming guilt.
Now that he was walking his horse back to the small stable, she went outside to meet him. She did not bother to change into a black gown to go into the garden, but she did put on black gloves and her bonnet covered in crepe, and wrapped a shawl with a mourning border around her shoulders.
She had thought that his religious mind and determination would bear him up after Georgiana’s death, and that his resolute disposition would gradually return him to comfort. But Mr Darcy was mourning more than the death of an ill sister. She had judged his feelings wrongly. He had two lives to grieve for, in addition to suffering the crushing weight of his own ill-founded self-reproach.
He had already untacked and watered his horse by the time she got to the stable. Elizabeth stared at his black armband while Mr Darcy brushed his horse, and it was several moments before he noticed her. When he did, he handed the brush to his manservant who had been cleaning the hooves, and greeted her. He did not seem to know whereto look or what to say. She suspected he must want some manner of amity between them after what he confessed, but it would be up to her to break the ice.
I came here to be of service to Georgiana, and my comforting her brother is what she would want above anything else.She had always intended to make a manner of living for herself here that was admirable in its dignity and usefulness, something to give meaning to her final days. The object of that useful attention had changed, but it did not mean that Mr Darcy was less worthy than his sister.
Elizabeth stepped closer and saw the horse’s ears were pointed forward. She held out a hand and, after he nudged it, gave a good scratch on the horse’s neck. “What is his name?”
“Biscay.” Mr Darcy sensed her attention and silent question, and finally looked into her eyes. “Because he is a great roaring bay.”
Her light laughter brought a short-lived smile to his face. He seemed to value managing his facial expressions, his speech, and even his moods. She saw him try to appear unaffected, but he was ashamed and grieving. His manner may have often been uncivil, but it was likely from grief and reserve more than dislike. She asked him to walk with her before going into the house, and they wandered about the small garden.
“You cannot blame yourself, Mr Darcy. Infants born to consumptive mothers are usually weak and sickly, and perish in the first months of life, and that is if they are not born too soon. It was a miracle Georgiana did not die undelivered.”
“I am a rational man, and I know perfectly well that my feelings and wishes did not kill that innocent infant.”
Do you?“A natural child plunges a family into complete social ruin. None would blame you for feeling the way you did.”
“Georgiana would. To think of Georgiana’s death, to know sheembracedit to unite with the child I had hoped would die unborn just for the sake of my good name ...”
