They moved farther from the ladies but nearer to where Darcy sat.
“Now, I presume you want the next volume ofTheDecline and Fall of the Roman Empire, Lizzy, but you cannot read farther until you dissuade me from believing that Trajan was the greatest emperor. I am still not convinced Hadrian rivals him.”
“I do want to read it,” she said impatiently, “and I shall argue you out of your opinion if I can, but now I want to talk about Lydia and Brighton.”
Mr Bennet scoffed. “I would prefer a debate about Rome from the only person in this house with an original thought in her head.”
Elizabeth lowered her voice so Darcy could no longer hear, and she spoke to her father in quiet but earnest tones. After laughing loudly and attracting the attention of most of the room, Mr Bennet said, “Oh, no! Lydia will never be easy till she has exposed herself in some public place or other, and we shall have no peace if she does not go to Brighton.”
Mrs Bennet and Miss Lydia appeared to pay Mr Bennet no mind and carried on as raucously as before while Miss Mary was in another room plodding away on her instrument. Elizabeth whispered to her father again, and everyone heard Mr Bennet’s amused reply.
“You will not appear to less advantage for having several very silly younger sisters! Or a silly mother. Not that my little Lizzy has any interest in making a match and leaving her poor father all alone with them.”
“I fear for our respectability in the world by Lydia’s folly,” Elizabeth said, growing louder in her distress. “Kitty will follow wherever Lydia leads, and my mother will support them both. Please do not let her go.”
“You had hoped to marry and leave your father’s house after all!” Mr Bennet’s eyes danced in amusement. “I am glad it came to nothing. Has one of your sisters frightened away your lovers? If that be so, then he who cannot bear to be connected with a little absurdity is not worth your regret.”
Darcy could not help but look at Elizabeth, nor could she avoid seeking him out. Her father left, and Elizabeth stood dejected, all the while a ponderous melody came forth from Miss Mary’s pianoforte. He would have thought that Elizabeth could find some humour in this. Her lively disposition was one of the things that endeared her to him. As he looked around him, he wondered what his sister would make of this family but decided there could be advantages on both sides.
A poignant realisation struck him. Elizabeth had stopped speaking to him when she mentioned furthering Georgiana’s acquaintance with her sisters. He had been lost in his own thoughts and had not replied.
That is why her mood is so altered; she assumes I would not allow my sister to know hers.
A bitterness fell over him that was devastatingly similar to what he felt after she refused his proposal in Hunsford. Elizabeth continued to think the worst of him. Was she so quick to judge that she did not consider that Wickham’s regiment was still encamped nearby and all that could mean for his sister?
And more insulting, she doubted his regret for abusing her relations and disregarded his attempts to act with greater civility.
ChapterSix
Elizabeth stood in the paddock apart from Mr Darcy while he readied his horse. His motions were slow and deliberate, and she could not be sure whether he was simply fastidious or whether they were an occupation that allowed him to avoid her. They had not exchanged a word since their walk, but she regretted his leaving, however necessary it was. Elizabeth felt too heartbroken to be angry that she must let Mr Darcy go after she had come to admire him. But she could not marry anyone who felt his sister should not be acquainted with hers.
Mr Darcy’s unyielding voice interrupted her reverie, his expression stern and serious as he mounted his horse.
“Your mother may be the silliest husband-hunting butterfly I have ever encountered. Your father is incorrigible regarding his breach of both marital obligation and decorum, and your youngest sisters remain idle and ridiculous. That being said, I respect all of them because they are your family. I desire to understand them better because of your love for them. I love you too well to allowtheiractions to deter me.
“But I am wounded that you continue to doubt me. Could you not infer my reluctance to bring my sister to a small country town that is still quartering Mr Wickham’s regiment?” Elizabeth only had time for a blush of surprise, still focusing on “I love you too well.” “You persist in assuming the worst of me, and my dignity cannot handle your continued disparagement of my character.”
His lips parted, but he said nothing further. He pivoted his horse and rode away. She wanted to cry out to him not to leave, that she was ashamed of herself for hurting him again, but he was already too far away for her voice to carry.
Elizabeth stood outside Longbourn, silently cursing her headstrong ways. He had every right to be angry, and she could not blame him for losing his patience. It frightened her to think how rapidly she had come to love him.
Yes, those precious feelings that had been steadily building since she read his letter could be nothing less than love. Her feelings had changed from real dislike to real love, and it wounded her self-respect to acknowledge how quickly her opinion had altered. It was easier to believe that Mr Darcy remained arrogant and unkind, that he would never approve of her family, than to believe she found herself irrevocably in love with him.
Not feeling equal to conversing with the others, she left the lawn for the seclusion of the trees and the privacy to sob over all she had lost.
Darcy rodehis horse hard for a mile until he was out of sight of the village of Longbourn. He would be hard-pressed to maintain this pace, but he was furious and despondent and determined to put as many miles between them as quickly as possible. Darcy would have continued in this vein had an animal darting across his path not frightened his horse. His horse reared, and he was nearly thrown. “What the devil!”
Darcy dismounted and allowed the spirited horse to tramp its forelegs in protest of their near-accident. His attempt to remount made the animal rear again, then bound away. Giving up for the moment, Darcy surveyed his surroundings and realised he was on a knoll west of Netherfield. Darcy peeled off his gloves, tore off his hat, and raked his hand through his hair. Sighing, he leant against a tree with his arms crossed over his chest, glowering at the earth in front of his feet.
The vehemence of his emotion, stirred by sorrow and love, was claiming mastery over his self-discipline. Elizabeth doubted his constancy, doubted his willingness to act with civility toward those outside his circle. He struggled for the power to rid his heart of Elizabeth Bennet and found it could not be done, not now that he had seen some hint of affection for him.
He had not intended to highlight her family’s foibles but to illustrate that he would love them unconditionally because they were her family. He ought to go back to apologise for being ruled by his temper, but how much more could his pride suffer?
He resolved not to return to Longbourn today or next week. He might return with Bingley in June, but if Elizabeth had such little respect and regard for him, what did it matter?
Returning to Longbourn would be the nail in the coffin of his self-respect. He was a better man for heeding her reproofs, but he had nothing left to give if Elizabeth always thought the worst of him. He felt tempest-tossed and almost gave in to the desire to sink to the ground and hold his head in his hands.
“Devil take me!” he muttered to the trees.
