Now he looked utterly perplexed. “I assumed he had not yet spoken. How could you refuse?”
“How could I accept?” she said sadly. “In marrying a man indifferent to me, all risk would have been incurred, and all true duty violated.”
The notion clearly confused him. “But you were desperate to be gone from Northanger, from all of General Tilney’s cruelties and indignities.”
“I was long unused to kindness, but I could not go through with it when the moment came. I am sorry for wounding his pride, but I am sorrier for injuringyou. It was cruel to court Sir Charles in front of you. I was selfish—”
“No, I know why you were tempted”—he took her hand—“truly I do. I was jealous and disappointed, but I understood. To be constantly living with an ill-tempered person must be dreadful. Wherever you are, you should always be contented, but especially at home, where there you must spend most of your time and should feel safe and loved. Northanger is a torment to you, and I did nothing to help you.”
“Helping me manage my father’s temper was never your responsibility.”
“I could have helped you anytime in the last five years by telling you that I love you,” he cried. “I could have told the general I want to marry you, and then eloped with you the moment he refused, our reputations be damned.”
She gazed at him for a moment in speechless wonder. Eleanor had always felt that Philip loved her—ever since he had first kissed her in this very grove when she was seventeen—but not once had either of them said the words. Eleanor had always been conscious of her value to him, but had never dared to assert it. She felt delighted at long last hearing proof of his esteem and affection.
“I was so afraid you hated me after what happened at Welland.”
“You know mine is not a passion of a week or a month or a year,” he said earnestly. “I would never cease to love you, no matter if you had chosen Sir Charles or some other man. Before Vaughan—” A shade passed over his features. “I had decided last week that I could not watch you ruin your life without having tried. I was going to speak, if only to remind you that you deserved to have a husband who admired and loved you. I should have spoken at Welland; I should have spoken years ago.”
She gripped his hand tightly. “He would have refused, and forbade me to see you.”
“We do not know that for certain. We might have been patient and slowly worked on the general.”
Eleanor only shook her head.After what happened before her father left for London, she was certain that if she, at seventeen, had professed a love for Philip, General Tilney would have isolated her and made it impossible for them to so much as speak to one another.
“I knew what you suffered here,” he said again, “and I kept waiting for you to defy the general for our sake, but I did nothing to help you. I was too afraid, too proud, and I was not only silent, but I judged you for trying to break free in the only way a woman has to free herself from her father’s control. Eleanor, my dear, I am so sorry.”
“Not as sorry as I am.” She looked down at their joined hands. “I was afraid of him too. I have no power, no money, and no respect in the eyes of many if I pursue my own desires. None approves of a daughter asserting herself.” Shame filled her again. “But I should have done it anyway because I knew it was right. And I was too afraid of the consequences to try.”
“Your father is one who does not allow anyone to oppose him,” he said quietly, “but I ought to have shown the fortitude of a man. I ought to have supported you, and instead I increased your sufferings.”
She shook her head. “Only the general ever made me suffer.” She gave a sad smile. “I told him on Tuesday before he left for town that I wanted to marry you.”
He looked at her with complete shock. “What, what did he say?”
Eleanor gave a sad laugh at the horrible memory. “It was devastating. He was just as cruel as you might have expected. If I marry against his wishes and without attention to fortune, he will withhold my money, encourage my friends to abandon me. He gave me no hope of acquiescing at all.” She felt tears forming again at the memory. “But the worst was that he even invoked my dead mother against me.”
The look in his eyes was pitying, and Eleanor had to look away. She dropped his hands to turn from him, but Philip only caught her in his arms and held her tightly. It was so rare for anyone to embrace her tenderly. Catherine and Alice gave fond but quick hugs, and Henry or Frederick sometimes put an arm around her. Only Philip had embraced her warmly during the last nine years, and those stolen moments were all too rare.
He gave a start and pulled away to stare into her eyes. “Where were you going?”
She saw that he had realised the truth and smiled. “You must have guessed.”
Philip gripped her upper arms. “I want to hear you say it.”
“I love you. I love you better than I love anyone else in the world. You are a dear soul, the person I want to spend the rest of my days with.”
Joy diffused over his face, and Philip tugged on her arms to give her an affectionate kiss. She sank into the pleasure of it, humming a little against his lips. His arms went around her, steadying her as the tender kiss turned more possessive. Her hands touched his shoulders, his neck, and then held a firm hold of his face. How many times had they snuck away to this grove to talk, to kiss, to have a moment alone without anyone learning how desperately they loved one another?
Pressing his forehead to hers, Philip asked, “You were going to Belleville to ask me to run away with you?”
“I told the general that I wanted to marry you, that I admire you, that you are brilliant, and a gentleman, and that we had more than enough to live on, but when he refused to consider the possibility...When he said that my mother—” Philip ran his hands up and down her back. “I decided to leave. I was going to Belleville to throw myself on your mercy and beg you to elope with me, honour be damned. If you had said no, I would have found employment and never gone back.”
“I love you dearly,” he said firmly, before hanging his head. “I love you, and I abandoned you to your father’s cruelty all this time.”
“Philip, I threw myself at another man while you had to watch!” She pressed her hands to his cheeks again and gave him a firm kiss. “We must forgive one another, and ourselves, and look forward. You have never forfeited my confidence, my esteem, or my affection.”
Philip smiled brightly. “You are so dear to me, and have been since before the first time I kissed you.” He gave her lips a light kiss. “I want you to be my counsellor and comforter, and to share my private life with you. I want you to bore me with talk of dull histories and speeches, and I want you to ask about my mathematical questions without understanding a word I say.” Eleanor laughed and nodded, but Philip was not done. “You are quite simply the bravest person I have ever known, Eleanor. I will do whatever I must to ensure that the years ahead are a thousand times happier than the years you passed at Northanger. Will you marry me?”
