“Still pretty broken up. I got him to shower when I stopped by last night. I’m pretty sure he’s still hitting the whiskey pretty hard. I’ll only let him get away with that for so long, and his time is almost up.”
No way is whatever misplaced guilt he has over the accident derailing his life. I’ll let him wallow for a bit, but I’m about ready to put a stop to it. That woman was not worth it, no matter what he thinks.
“Yeah, this seems to have hit him pretty hard. I thought their relationship was struggling?”
“Oh, it was, I think, in a way that’s adding to his guilt. I’ll sort him out.” I’m nothing if not determined. Then I chuckle, remembering who I saw pulling up as I was leaving Jacob’s place. Maybe I won’t be the one to sort him out, but I keep that to myself for now.
“I’m sure you will.” He’s looking at me with soft affection, eyes sparkling with humor, and all I can do is smile back with a silly, happy grin.
“How’s Lexi doing? Is she settling in at your place? I’ve been thinking about her this week.” She went through a lot, and I hope she’s getting the help she needs. He smiles a wicked smile.
“Lexi is at her mother’s for a few days. Julia really needed some mother-daughter time. I think the time together will be good for both of them.”
Spending time with Damon is effortless, and a new experience for me in a relationship. That’s what this is. No matter how uncomfortable the thought makes me, this is a relationship. Maybe it’s time I address the elephant in the room. I’m fairly certain that he’d wanted to discuss it with me before Jacob’s untimely arrival. It’s been over a week, so we’re due. I know it’s time to talk about us, and I need to be the one to start the conversation.
“Can we talk about what happened last week?” I begin timidly.
“You mean the discussion we were about to have before Jacob?”
I love that he knows exactly what I mean. The man really does pay attention.
“The very one. I’m sorry I didn’t call you after the big debacle with Bill.” I hesitate, but he waits patiently for me to get it out. “I didn’t want to bother you, especially if you were dealing with Lexi.”
“I get that,” he responds quietly, but when he doesn’t continue, I force myself to tell him the rest.
“I’m not used to having someone to rely on. I’m used to handling everything myself, even when I probably shouldn’t. If it’s any consolation, I didn’t call Jacob or my daughter, either. She totally read me the riot act about it, too.”
“Well, I’m not going to do that. Would it help if I told you I understood?”
“You do?” I squeeze his hand with surprise and relief. He doesn’t speak for a minute, index finger caressing the back of my hand as he considers how to respond.
“Yeah, I was upset at first, and a bit hurt. It took me a while to realize it wasn’t about me. You’ve been minimizing yourself for so long, baby. Trying not to be seen, not to make waves, and to take it upon yourself to fix everyone else’s problems. I should have seen that it would have been more out of character for you to reach out for help, especially in a situation like that.”
Well, that’s disturbingly spot on. I have minimized myself, and I have all my life. I get it, there was a time in my life when I had to do that to protect myself, but I don’t need to do that anymore, and that realization really hits me. There’s something about him saying it out loud that makes it more real, and it gives me a sense of freedom knowing I don’t have to be that way with him. I feel seen, and it’s liberating.
“The thing is, baby, you don’t have to do that anymore. Not with me. We’re in this together, and I want you to bring all of you, because I can take it. You don’t need to hide yourself or to protect yourself from me.” The sincerity and raw emotion in his voice make my heart swell with joy,because I can feel how much he cares. It feels so damn wonderful. I can’t help the enormous smile that takes over my whole face, like my happiness needs a physical outlet.
“So, we’re doing this? This relationship thing?” I ask, voice cracking slightly on the wordrelationship.
“Oh yeah. We’re doing this.” His grin widens as his eyes brighten. He pulls my chair closer and leans forward to take my other hand, holding them both gently as he looks into my eyes. It feels like he can see right through me. “There is something I need to tell you first, though.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Oh, Yeah. I need you to know that I love you. I think I’ve always loved you, Jos, from the very beginning. It’s always been you. Since the first time I saw you, baby. It’s always been you.” My eyes tear up at the intensity of his love, shining bright in those beautiful blue eyes. “And I’m all in. You’re it for me.” He squeezes my hands and continues, “I love you, Jos, but I know you aren’t ready, and that’s okay… because I know we’ll get there, you and me. We’ve always been each other’s forever. It just took us a minute to get there.”
My eyes well up as a swell of emotions overwhelms me. This man. How the hell did I get so lucky? He’s offering me everything I’ve ever wanted, things that I never thought I’d get. And he’s willing to go at my pace. For once, I don’t hesitate. I don’t overthink it or make excuses to dodge my feelings. I lay it all on the line, even though I’m terrified to the depths of my soul. I do it anyway.
“I’m scared,” I admit quietly.
“I know. Tell me what scares you the most?” he asks, voice soft and soothing.
“I’m not sure it’s a tangible thing. I’m afraid of getting hurt, and not just by you specifically, but by being seen, by being visible in the world. If we’re in a relationship, then it will all come out. In the press and to theworld, I’ll have to stand there and let people see me, and it’s terrifying. I’m not naive enough to think there won’t be judgment and criticism, and that part is scary too, but more so, if we do this, then I can’t hide anymore.”
He listens to me unmask myself for him, letting him see all the vulnerable parts. His face is full of support and love. Suddenly, being out there with him feels a whole lot less scary than it did five minutes ago. I’m trying to work through all of it in my mind because voicing all these thoughts is not something I usually do.
“It’s funny, it sounds much less frightening when I say it out loud and not in my head. I guess what it boils down to is that I’m scared of all this. A relationship, my new career with the team, and living my life out loud. That’s all scary, but I’m not scared of you. I know you’ll never hurt me. Not only because it’s not in your character, but because I won’t let anyone hurt me like that again. It took getting to know you for me to see that I’m strong enough for that now. So, I don’t want you to think that being scared means that I don’t want this. Us. Because even though I’m afraid, I want this relationship and more, if that’s where this goes.” I take a deep breath and blurt it out.
“I love you, Damon. Yeah, that’s scary as hell, but I don’t care. Because being with you is everything I never knew I wanted, and I won’t give that up because of a little fear.”
