“You can’t draw conclusions about your relationship with Damon without his input.” The sincerity in her expression is heartwarming. “That’s not partnership. That’s just you, by yourself, having your feelings and making decisions without him, and that’s not fair. You guys need to sit down and talk things out.”
She places her hand over mine, then continues in a softer tone. I know she’s about to tell me something that’s going to make me uncomfortable again. I sigh, but give her my full focus.
“I know your relationship with Kurt was never healthy, and that’s on him. He was an abusive dick. I don’t know Damon that well, but he seems very different—in a good way. If you want to have a real and healthy relationship with him, or anyone ever, you’re going to have to do things that are uncomfortable for you. Even if it’s just sex and not a full-blown relationship, you’ll still need to communicate with each other and agree on your boundaries and expectations.”
Well, she’s not wrong about the communication aspect. I do know that much about relationships.
“Now, I’m going to say something you may not want to hear.” She’s hesitant, but I know her, blunt as hell, so I brace myself for impact.
“I know you struggle with letting people in and showing your vulnerable side. I get why, but if you want to be in a healthy relationship, you’re going to have to learn to open up and not just with Damon.”
She looks at me expectantly.
“Um, you think I’m emotionally unavailable? Really?” I ask with surprise. That was not what I expected. How could she say that? I share everything with her.
Do you, though?
Okay, not everything, but some things. Most things. Right?
“Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh. I don’t think you’re emotionally unavailable, at least not with me, but maybe with others, even Lily. Look, sweetie, I know what you’ve been through, and I’m in no way discounting that. I just think that maybe you’re so used to protecting yourself that you tend not to share much about your deeper feelings. Not that you need to share everything, but I wish you would let all of us girls in just a bit more,” Lainy says quickly.
She gives me an apologetic look. I don’t know what to say. She gives my hand a quick squeeze before diving back into her sushi roll.
My brain goes a million miles an hour while we finish our food. For once, Lainy doesn’t comment. She lets me think about what she said.
I think back to all the girls’ nights and all our discussions together, as well as all our happy hours and dinners. And there it is. I’ve only shared my emotions on a limited basis. I rarely open up, even to the women who are my closest friends, even to my own daughter. I go out of my way to redirect the conversation when they focus on me. That last thought doesn’t sit right with me, but I know it’s true.
Sure, the kids and I had therapy after Kurt’s death, but then I stopped talking about it. Looking back, I realize I stopped sharing my feelings with everyone, including family and friends. I’ve kept everyone on the surface, never going too deep. Lainy lays a hand on my arm. I want to push her away, but I stop myself.
“Don’t do that, Jos. I know you’re beating yourself up. I’m not trying to say, ‘You’ve been doing it wrong.’ That’s the last thing I’m trying to say. Just that… maybe it’s okay to let people in. I get it, it’s scary, but it’s worth it. I promise.”
She gives me a reassuring smile. We finish up with dinner, which she insists on paying for even though it’s my turn. I let her because I know she’s feeling guilty for hurting my feelings, and yeah, she did, but not much. Letting her pay helps assuage her guilt. I, too, know my friend well.
I grab her hand and hold it tight as we walk towards our cars. I’m fortunate to have such a loving and honest friend. I hate lies more than I hate hearing a hard truth. I didn’t like hearing it, but I can see that this is something I really need to think about.
“Thanks for being honest, Lainy bug. I love you for that, honey. I’ve got a few things to think about, which will be good for me. Talk tomorrow?” I need her to know that we’re still solid, and that I appreciate her candor.
Her face is full of empathy and concern as she hugs me tightly before heading toward her car.
“I’m calling you tomorrow, girl, if you don’t call me first,” she warns with a wink.
I don’t remember the drive home or taking Abby out for her nightly walk. I spend most of the night mulling things over. I go through my nightly routine without paying attention, even when I almost put lotion on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste. When I slip into bed later that evening, I feel like I’ve thought it through. I’m exhausted, but I take the time to write down my goals and thoughts in my journal.
I’ve concluded, after rehashing my interactions with my friends and family, that Lainy’s right. I don’t often share my emotions. There were so many years of hiding myself from Kurt, because that’s how I kept myself safe, which was an excellent defensive mechanism for my marriage. But I kept doing it, even after I should have stopped, because again, it felt safe. I kept myself too safe. Looking back at my dating life through a different lens feels very much like I was missing out on life, so worried about keeping myself safe that I stopped living my life. Well, that’s something I can work on because, at the very least, my children and friends deserve better.
And Damon.
One hundred percent, Damon, he’s earned that and so much more.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Damon
Getting out of bed this morning was hell, just like I knew it would be. The last time I was this sore was years ago for preseason training. My legs are screaming, but I don’t care. Sure, it’s been a while since I’ve played, but if yesterday proved anything, it’s that my soul still needs to play the game, even if it’s only a pickup game at the local rink. I’m grinning from ear to ear, remembering how it felt to glide across that ice again, sore muscles be damned. I’m determined to make pick-up games a part of my weekly routine.
Even with Joslyn ignoring me the entire day yesterday, some time on the ice has me feeling optimistic again. I head off on my morning run with more enthusiasm than usual, even as my thighs protest. An hour later, I’m dressed and headed to the arena with steel in my spine. Joslyn and I will be talking today, even if I have to camp out in her office until we do. I’m not about to give her up without a fight.
When I arrive, the lights are already on. Strange, I’m not the first one here today. Well, that’s unusual. I round the corner to the reception area, screeching to a halt. A young and attractive brunette is sitting at a new desk adjacent to Matilda’s. Interesting. She must be the intern that Jacob hired. I stop by to introduce myself, but she stands up and gives me a welcoming grin as I approach, jumping right in before I can even get a word out.
