“It does. I’m sorry we don’t,” Cara mentions, wiping a tear from her cheek. Pregnancy hormones have her really emotional,and she cries often, something I’ve never seen from this girl before.
“Oh, please, I’m not. I’m so thankful none of you have lost a partner or a parent. I wish we would never have to live in a timeline where someone we love is not here anymore, but I am really thankful, as crappy as this is, that I have you.”
I squeeze Cara’s hand, holding Allie’s gaze and smiling at both. “Nick would’ve liked to know I get to share this stage of my life with you. Besides, you both lost him too, so we’re in this shared space together.”
They take this moment in as Nico nurses at Allie’s breast, and Cara’s hands rest on her belly.
Allie points at Holden with her chin. “Who did he lose? His wife?”
I shake my head. “His mom and his sister.” And now that I’m saying it out loud, I realize I don’t even know anything about them. I don’t know how old they were, what they were like, or Holden’s relationship with them.
When someone hears you’ve lost someone, most people want to know how you lost them, but the moment of death is so quick, a snap of a finger, a second balancing on a divider where on one side, there’s life, and on the other side, death. It’s the life before, and after that defines a person, so I don’t ever ask how it happened. I want to know who they were before, what legacy they carry now that we don’t have them.
“That’s sad. I can’t imagine,” Cara mentions.
“It is.”
Vero is comfortably resting on my lap, her back to my chest, but the way she’s kicking her little feet lets me know she wants me to stop talking and just read her the book. She waits patiently most of the time; it must be part of one of her therapies, I’m sure.
I read her the book about a little girl being enough. It’s one of my favorites, and she loves it too. No matter how many times sheasks me to read her this book, or any book for that matter, I’ll say yes. I soak it all in. I repeat the same words over and over again, commit it to memory—to the little pocket in my brain where I keep theplease don’t forgetmoments.
I close the book and slide it onto the shelf. “Okay, Mama has to go to work, okay?”
Vero scoots out of my arms into Cara’s, who’s waiting with blocks to build with her. The children’s area is nestled into the farthest corner of the shop. Not because I don’t want kids to be seen, but because I want them to feel safe. I wanted it to be as far away from the door as possible so moms, dads, and caregivers can enjoy some peace knowing their child can’t bolt out the door.
They’re in their safe space, so I go and try to see if I can bring some light into Holden’s eyes again.
“Remember when you told me yesterday you fake being okay?” Holden asks without lifting his eyes from the mug, knowing I’m right here.
“Um-hum.”
“You can’t fake that.” He stares at the area where my friends laugh, one with a toddler napping on her chest, the other one playing with my kid. “The way you smile, the way your body moves around them, is the same way you treat every customer who comes here—that’s real, Natalie.”
“Thanks.” I don’t have anything else to say. That single observation tugs at my heart more than I thought possible. “You’ll get there again. I promise.”
I slide the mug forward, and I can see how empty it is. “If you keep making me coffee like this, I’m sure I’ll be happy all the time. What’s your secret? You said you had a special ingredient. I want to know what it is so I can buy it in bulk.”
“I could tell you…but then?—”
“You’d have had to kill me, huh?”
“Exactly.”
I smile at him, and this time, he returns it. “Are you feeling better?
“I needed fresh air, I think. The view and the drink help too.” He’s the one winking this time, and here comes the heat creeping up my face again.
“I take it it didn’t go great today?”
He shakes his head with a chuckle. “That would be an understatement, but it will be fine. He just—” he sighs “—he told me something unexpected, and I’m having a lot of conflicting feelings.”
“Fair. Did you get enough answers to form an opinion?”
“No, and I left, so I have to wait until next week to know more.”
“I mean, you can always go sooner.”
“I can’t. I have plans tonight.”
