He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.
“They kept asking when I last saw her. My answers didn’t make sense, even to me. Every time I tried to think, I got that same stabbing light in my eyes. I felt it in my skull. I told them to shut it off, told them the damn lights were too bright, but they still stared at me like I was losing my mind.”
We let out a sigh simultaneously.
“And then…then, they made me sit down. One of them kept talking into his radio, looking around the house with this—” he coughs “—this expression. Like he’d already figured out the ending, and he was waiting for the rest of us to catch up. Except I had no clue, Holden. I had no clue.”
He pauses, breathing slowly and a little shaky. I don’t understand where we fall into this story. Did Mom think he was dead and couldn’t deal with it, so we left? Where were we when all of this was going on?
“The last thing I remember before everything went black was one of them saying something about needing to call it in.” His jaw locks, tight enough to crack his teeth.
I lean forward despite the sudden ice in my veins. Years spent in an ice rink don’t compare to how I feel right now.
“I don’t know. Everything else is a blur until I was in rehab. But I do know she left a note the police eventually found—she asked me not to find you.”
“And for once in your life, you decided to respect her and never call again?”
He shakes his head. “No, I found her eventually, but she had a kid, so I always assumed she had a new husband and a new life. It was still eating me alive, though. When I was doing my twelve steps, I reached out to her, and she told me she had told you I died and to respect that. She said it was easier. She said it was the only way.”
“What do you mean?” The only way? She told me what?
“She knew I was alive, Holden, but she chose to tell you otherwise.”
No. No. “No.”
“Yes, son.”
“Stop calling me that.” I get up, grabbing my bag, and putting space between us. “You’re lying.”
“I knew this would come as a shock, so I don’t blame you if you want to leave, but no. I’m not lying. I was so fucked up, I didn’t even realize my wife and child left me, but ultimately, it was her decision to tell you I died. It was mine, out of the respect I never had before for her, to respect that.”
“I—I’ve gotta go.”
“That’s okay. You know where to find me.”
I leave him behind and drive to the one place where I know I’ll find happiness even after this shitshow.
16
THE ILLUSION OF GRIEF
Saturn by Sleeping At Last
Natalie
“You’re goingto scare customers away!” I shout to Cara and Allie, who are both running around the store chasing Nico and Vero. “You’re pregnant, Cara. Be careful!”
“I’m pregnant, not dead. I can run.” She’s almost out of breath when she catches Nico and lifts him, feet in the air and head upside down.
“Me, me, me!” Vero shouts, and Allie does the same thing Cara did. So now there are two toddlers upside down, shouting as my friends walk around. It had been silent this afternoon, and Allie asked if they could pick up Vero to come here and read some books, hang out. I, of course, said yes, I want them here. I love catching up and talking to my friends, especially if I’m working. Body doubling at its finest, and I get to catch up. Which we did, for a couple of hours. The kids were getting restless, and they decided to play whatever game this is. I can’t keep up with them.
School starts in a few weeks, and I’m ready to get back to our routine. I’m definitely ready for more steady clients, which usually happens from August until February. The back-to-school rush, plus fall, and then the holidays right after, is the best season for us. My parents always visit and bring so much wine.
They opened their vineyard a decade ago in Tennessee. It’s beautiful, and they love it. I carry a large selection of their wine here, especially the peach one, which is my best seller. They spend two weeks with us every fall and every spring, and I look forward to both. We’re not extremely close, but I enjoy their company, and they enjoy the girls. My mother also cooks most of the time, so I get a little break from the kitchen.
“All done, all done!” Vero shouts, blowing raspberries and snapping me back into the moment. Cara is tickling her, her feet kicking in the air while Allie settles on the floor cushion in the kids’ corner. Cara stops immediately, and Vero crawls away from her, straight to Allie. She’s so comfortable with all my friends, but especially with these two, and it makes my heart so happy.
The bell announces someone entering, and my usual “Welcome to The Blooming Wine!” greets Holden, but my smile falters when I see the turbulence in his eyes.
