This past year has been more than eye-opening—it has been fulfilling, awe-inspiring, one hundred percent amazing. I gained a boyfriend, one who adores my familyas if it were his own. Vero graduated from speech, though she still has to go to physical therapy. It turns out, the Animal-Assisted Therapy group was the best for Bella. She loves it, and she has learned so much with Julia and her team.
The Blooming Wine hired a full-time employee, and I’ve learned to manage work-life balance. What a joy it is not to work seven days a week for a bazillion hours. I still work every day, just in different ways.
Jerry has become a huge part of our family too, especially considering that because of his investment, we’ve been able to expand The Blooming Wine beyond my wildest dreams. A new employee, a bigger flower shop, Bella works in a couple of times a week, and more free time for me. He manages the work side part-time, and he’s so happy. He still hasn’t gotten a kidney, but he goes to dialysis three times a week. The girls love him so much. They love spending time with him and playing UNO until one of the adults gives up. It took time for Holden to be open to introducing them, but when he did, it was magical. It was as if they all healed each other simultaneously.
This year brought Cara and Manny’s cute baby, Charlie. Mateo and Daisy’s Calla turned one, and Allie’s pregnant with her second. So many babies! Nellie and Gus got married earlier this year, and it was the most beautiful wedding. They got married alone on a sailboat, didn’t tell anyone, and celebrated with all of us at their cabin. A little over the top, but beautiful, nonetheless.
Nellie is so ready for babies, but Gus wants to wait a little. In the meantime, they’re spoiling all the kids rotten. Roe and Santiago are still Roe and Santiago—childless, unhinged, and as happy as they can be. Roe’s yearly haunted house experience has become a Baker Oaksattraction, and she’s taken it to where Mr. Skeleton never leaves her yard. It’s hilarious. Santiago bought the auto shop from Jake’s dad, and now he and Jake are the owners.
Livie and Alex decided they’re giving each other a year to assess their next steps. They haven’t been able to conceive, but they don’t want to jump into adoption without figuring out if that’s what they really want.
Holden’s friends became my friends, almost like a second family. But don’t tell Aspen, because it will go to his head, and he’ll be even more insufferable. That boy cried for so long when Holden moved away from Magnolia Springs. That was his decision, but I’m so happy he made it. He still drives over multiple times a week, and he kept his house. We’re turning it into our lake house one day, but for now, it’s a rental.
Chili lives with us, the perfect addition to our family. It took her a while to get adjusted to her new living space, but she’s good now. She’s so well-behaved and provides free entertainment, too. The girls have been begging for another goat, but I’m not ready. I just want steady right now, not starting over with another animal.
I started therapy again, and I’m so glad. Turns out, losing your husband changes you beyond what you may think, and there’s a lot of really hard stuff to work through. Starting a new relationship requires work, especially when my number one coping skill is pushing everyone and everything away. He doesn’t deserve that, and I’m glad I’m working through it.
There’s so much to look back at that it’s hard to summarize it all.
But one thing is certain: this past year, I learned hope didn’t come back to me the way I expected it.
It didn’t crash into my life or knock the breath from my lungs. It didn’t feel like fire or lightning or anything I used to believe love had to be.
It arrived quietly.
In the way, the house sounds fuller now.
In the way my girls laugh with me, him, and everything he has brought around us.
I used to think surviving meant holding on to everything I’d lost, because then, I could continue the legacy. As if letting go of the hurt would somehow loosen my grip on him.
But grief isn’t proof of love. Love was already proven. I didn’t lose Nick because I smiled again. I didn’t betray him because my heart learned how to open differently.
And I didn’t dishonor or replace what we had by choosing love again.
There are still days that ache, deep in my bones. There always will be. But they no longer undo me. I’m no longer faking it. They sit beside the good ones instead of erasing them. And I have someone who understands, who gets to share them with me.
Holden said I gave him the hope he lost once, but the reality is, he didn’t bring me hope. He was hope.
He still is.
We’ve been living together for a few months now, and I love it. It was a little weird at first for me, but Bella said it made the most sense, since he was always here. He’s such a big part of our lives now, and I couldn’t imagine it any other way.
He hasn’t proposed or anything, but we’ve talked about marriage before, and he knows I’m open to the idea. And if you ask me, I would say I’m ready.
Bella’s ready too. She says she’s the luckiest girl because she gets to have two dads and the best mom.
And yes, it makes me cry every time.
What a beautiful and hard year this has been. I can’t wait for another one.
Love,
Natalie
“Mom!We’re going to be late!” Bella shouts at the same time I sign the diary entry. Perfect timing.
“Why the rush?”
