“I bet he’d like that.”
“Do I need to stop the therapy group?” This girl is firing all the questions tonight, but I’m thankful for it, especially if it means she decided to share all her concerns with me.
“That’s up to you. And you don’t have to decide now. Just let me know once you know, okay?”
“Thanks for listening, Mom.”
“Anytime, my girl. Anytime.”
Since I openedThe Blooming Wine, there’s never been a day I wished I could call out, not go in. There have been days when I didn’t feel like getting up and dealing with some portion of the store, but I’ve never felt like not going at all. Until today.
Yesterday was an emotional disaster. I barely slept, and in the middle of the night, a crying Bella missing her dad crawled into my bed. The weeks leading up to his angel-versary are always hard on her, and this year isn’t any different. We talked, and she was able to just cry it out. I held her like I used to do when she was tiny, and she finally fell back asleep. She’s still sleeping on my bed, joined by Vero, who came in this morning. My sleepy girls will stay here with Livie, who graciously agreed to babysit again. There’s no way I can send them to school like this. She and Alex are going through a lot, and I think she needs my girls as much as they need their Tia Livie.
“Call me if you need anything, okay?” I hug Livie, and she squeezes me tighter. “You’ll get through this, okay? Whatever the outcome might be, you can get through this.”
“Thanks, Nat. Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall apart in your arms this morning. I left the house, and Alex was still asleep. I’ve been avoiding telling him I’m not pregnant, and it’s getting to the point where I’m avoiding him altogether.”
“Do you want advice or listening ears?” It’s something I learned from Nellie. Sometimes, we want to hear one or the other.
“Advice,” she says, her dark eyes lacking that usual spark.
“Lean on him, friend. You chose him to be your partner for a reason. This journey is hard, but it’s harder if you’re taking it on your own. Share both the highs and the lows with him. That’s what a relationship is for, right?”
She nods. “See you later, Nat. Love you.”
“Love you! There are snacks and food in the fridge.”
I leave my house, driving carefully in the rain, repeating the words I just told Livie to myself:share the highs and the lows, lean on him, this journey is hard, share it with him. What if this whole time, I’ve been terrified of letting Holden in all the way because I’ve been afraid of burdening him with my grief, of faking my happiness all the time, worried he won’t be able to handle the sadness, when I should be letting him in because of it? Because he knows what it’s like. Because partners don’t want perfect. They want chances, they want communication, they want all the pieces we have to give—to share.
Why do I keep pushing Holden away? Why do I keep playing this unbalanced game where he’s giving me all he has and I’m too afraid to leap?
But what if I fall?
The road might as well be shallow pools by the amount of water that has accumulated since the rain started a few daysago. Good thing I have rainboots always handy. My lemon print rainboots were a gift from Cara after she became obsessed with the lemon-lime theme in my house. It makes me feel like I’m five years old, going to jump in puddles. They bring me an insurmountable amount of joy, and I always appreciate them.
I usually appreciate the rain too—the cleansing it brings, the reminder that even the Earth cries. Except, as I stand outside The Blooming Wine, I really wish I wasn’t seeing what’s in front of me. As I open the door, I don’t have to turn on the light to confirm what I saw through the window.
It’s raining.
Inside the store.
What in the actual fuck?
I step inside, water splashing with every step I take. I do the only thing I can before breaking down: I call for help.
49
SLIP & FALL
Breathe Me by Sia • Ghost of You by 5 Seconds of Summer
Natalie
“Natalie,this is not a little bit of water. What the hell?” Cara shouts from outside.
“I told you not to bring your giant bump this way. You could slip and fall,” I reply, handing Jake, who called out of school the moment he heard about the store, another book. They got here a while ago, and when I say they, I mean all of them, even the children. We sent Allie away to my house so she can help Livie with all three kids, but Cara should’ve gone too; instead, she’s being a whiny diva.
“Cara, just go to my house. You want to be helpful? Please go before I have a heart attack.”
