“I don’t know all the details, since I didn’t search for more than the information given to me. It’s kind of hard to tell the woman who became a widow because of a broken system and lack of regulations that everything is turning out better for them.”
I breathe out, mustering the courage I need. If Holden and I are going to have anything serious, he needs to know. “Cody has an older brother—Josh— and he attended the high school where Nick taught.”
He nods. “I remember.”
“If you knew Cody after, then you probably know how neglected they were. Nobody knew before; they hid it well. On top of that, there was a lot of pressure on Josh at school, and he just wanted it all to stop.”
“So he grabbed a gun,” he whispers, and I nod, blinking tears away.
“It was an accident.Notbringing the gun—that was deliberate—but shooting my husband, that wasn’t supposed to happen.” I remember asking over and over againhow does this happen on accident?“He didn’t mean to,” I continue, my voice breaking. “He wasn’t even pointing at anyone. He didn’t know it was loaded. He barely knew how to use it.” I suck in a sob. “You know, you read all the news about school shootings and gun violence at schools, and you never think it will happen to you—until it does.”
I think about statistics because for a year, that’s all I read, trying to make sense of it all. “I read something that said if there has not been a shooting in your community by 2025, it was only a matter of time, but Josh didn’t go with the thought of murdering people. He wanted people afraid, wanted someone to pay attention.” I shake my head, trying to find clarity. “There was so much going on, but he was well-liked, smart, a popular football player, and nobody knew.”
He holds my hand, squeezing it gently.
“Nobody knew.” I close my eyes, remembering the countless victim statements. “Nick called a code red. He sheltered in place. He was able to get some kids out of the gym. And then, they heard police were in the school. They freaked out, and one thing led to another. This is where it gets blurry for everyone involved. Nobody knows for sure, but I guess Nick tried to remove the gun from his hand, afraid the police would shoot him, but instead, Josh shot Nick, hitting him right in his torso. He made it to surgery, but he never came out the other side.”
“Natalie,” he whispers.
“Cody was in middle school at the time…”
“With Bella.”
I nod, confirming his assumption. “Different grades, but they both saw the same counselor. Interesting enough, she’s a good friend too.” I scoff. “Small town and all.” She’s actually on the way with Vero, but I don’t say that, because Nellie already blames herself. She had a small delay reporting, mostly because she was new and didn’t trust her gut. It wasn’t her fault, and she needs to know that.
“Natalie,” he echoes, holding my face and wiping a tear from my upper lip with his thumb.
“It sucks.” There’s no point in saying anything else, no point in denying it. It sucks. If there’s anyone in my life who understands I don’t need sympathy or empty apologies that won’t fix anything, it’s him.
“It’s not fair.”
I shake my head. “It isn’t, but there’s nothing I can do now other than to pack up my feelings and carry on. He saved forty-two lives that day.” But mine has been in a standstill ever since—until now.
I don’t voice that, because what does this even mean? Is this love? Is this me learning how to move on? I don’t want to move on if it means forgetting him and forgiving what happened to him.
“Where is Josh now?” he asks, pulling a soft smile to my face. His concern for not only me but for the troubled kid is astounding.
I shrug. “Somewhere getting help. We pressed charges against the parents, who are now in jail. He—I’m not sure, but he was a minor when it happened. Either way, I don’t keep track. I can’t. If I hyperfocus on that?—”
“Then you use all your energy on that instead of loving your girls,” he says.
“Yes.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. That’s exactly what it is. “And I’m just stuck in this loop of missing him andafraid of loving again, because how can I share my heart with someone when it belonged to him first? How can I share it with you?” The words slip out before I can stop them, and they feel like both the ultimate truth and a slap to his face.
What I’m saying is, how can I ever lovehimbecause of my love for Nick?
He stands, his back to me, shaking his head. I’ve hurt him, but he needs to know the truth. He turns, determination in his red-rimmed brown eyes. “I’m not asking you to love me right now, Natalie. I’m asking to share the bitterness of the love you lost. Hand me the matches so I can help reignite the fire, or your thoughts so I can tell you when they’re lying to you. Like now, because you not onlycanlove again, but you should, and whoever you decide to give your heart to will be honored to share the space with Nick.”
He starts walking away from me, into the rain. He turns again, and this time, he looks a little defeated. “Let me know when I can talk to Bella. I would like to tell her I didn’t know. I hate that she thinks I tricked her or something.”
“She doesn’t. I explained. She saw your face too. She’s just upset, but she knows.”
He brushes his wet hair away from his face before it falls onto his forehead again. “I hope when you decide you’re ready to open up your heart again, it’s me you take a chance on.”
“Holden.” That’s not what I’m saying. It’s not that he’s not worthy. It’s none of that. But I can’t say the words, and he sees it in my eyes.
He raises his hand. “Bella needs you now. They come first, and I understand. Just call me another time, okay?”
“Okay,” I whisper.
