He definitely doesn’t understand either. He studies the article and the photograph with it. I do the same from over his shoulder. I don’t really und?—
Oh my God.
I gasp, covering my mouth.
“Soyoudidn’t know. Good. At least not every adult in my life lied to me.”
“Bella,” I whisper, pulling her into my arms. “He doesn't know. We haven’t talked about it. He has no clue.”
“Can someone fill me in, please?” Holden asks, but Bella pushes me away and runs out. I have to do the right thing and follow her.
“I can’t right now. I have to go to her.”
“Is she okay?” he asks.
I shake my head. “No.”
46
HOLY SHIT
Visiting Hours & Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran
Holden
"What just happened?”I ask no one, dumbfounded. They left me without answers and with a million questions.
I stare at the newspaper article, the one about the difference Animal Assisted Therapy can make in kids. The picture is of one of our first teen groups; funny enough, it’s the group I was telling Natalie about. In the middle are both Chili and Bean, surrounded by five teens: Lori, Porter, Harper, Noah, and Cody. Julia and I stand behind them, right under the Healing Pals wooden sign that still hangs by the front door.
I don’t get it.
Julia comes rushing in. “Where is she?”
“She left.”
She searches the space, trying to catch me in a lie.
“What was all that?”
She shakes her head.
“Julia, you have to tell me.”
“No. First, I would never do that to any of the kids. Second, you’re too close to her, to them, for you to be CEO right now. You probably need to leave and askthem.”
“Julia, please.” I take her hand, which she pulls away from me immediately.
“You know better than this, Holden. I can’t say anything. You have to ask them.”
She walks away, turning right at the door. “I have to go, and you should too.” She disappears, leaving me with more questions than before.
What the hell was all that about? My heart is pounding in my chest, and I’m fighting myself between giving them the space they need and going over to be who I said I would be.
I get in my car and start driving, windows down, letting the air fill my lungs.When you feel like your feelings are too much, ground yourself. Remember how vast the world is, my therapist told me once, and that has helped. It’s the only way to not get lost in my head, to not drown in every feeling that threatens to take me.
The road opens, wide and busy, as I pass cars, trees, a small bridge, then back onto the main road that will lead me to them. For one split second, everything disappears as the wind hits my face and I focus on the things I can name.
The things I know exist.
