I narrow my eyes to slits, annoyance now my best friend. “So, if Ash hadn’t given you his permission, then you weren’t going to tell me you had feelings for me?”
“I… I…” he stammers, sounding unusually timid when he’s normally a concrete wall of strength and confidence.
“And you would have let me marry Huck? Were you just going to watch me marry another man without saying anything? Not ever?” I lean back in my chair and glare at him, my annoyance morphing into anger as it courses through me faster than a lightning strike.
I sound like a hypocrite.I almost married a man I wasn’t in love with because I didn’t want to admit I’m in love with Leon.
“I was intentionally late to the wedding. I had no plans to watch you marry him.”
“So, what? You planned to, instead, show up at the wedding reception, lie to my face about how happy you were for me, then move on, forget about me?”
“I could never forget you because you pulled up a seat by the fire, made yourself at home, and became completely unforgettable in here.” He presses his pointer finger into his temple. “A long fucking time ago.”
“You’re a coward, Leon Hill,” I mutter through clenched teeth.
As am I.
“I’m not a coward, Erika.” He growls his reply, his brows furrowing in annoyance.
I stand from my chair and look down at him, my heartbeat pounding in my ears hard and loud. “Yes, you are. Or you would have stopped the wedding or told me how you felt about me weeks ago.”
“I’ve had feelings for you for much longer than that.”
“Months, then, whatever,” I mumble, feeling brattish.
“Try years, Erika.” Calmly, he places his elbows on the table, then rests his chin on steepled fingers while the atmosphere around us changes from frosty to balmy quicker than a New York minute.
“Years?” I repeat. The impact of hearing it for the first time has me plopping my ass into the chair in shock. I can’t quite wrap my already scrambled mind around his admission. “And you never thought to tell me?” My disbelief comes out faint and small.
Where would we be now if he had?
“I was respecting your brother’s wishes. I kept my promise to stay away from you to protect not only our friendship but also to prevent any chance that things might not work out between you and me. If that had happened, there would always be an awkwardness between us, and, rightly so, Ash would always side with you. As a result, I would lose both him and you. Hate me for it all you want, but I chose loyalty over my own desires. And I didn’t do that for me; I did that for all our sakes.”
I stare wordlessly across at him, as my stomach somersaults and cartwheels, my mind racing at the same pace. I already know this; it’s the same reasons as mine that have kept us apart all these years.
“Erika, your brother has been with me through every stupid mistake I’ve ever made, every goal I missed, and when I got injured, he’s the one who pulled me out of my dark thoughts. For a long time, I thought I’d never skate again, but Ash was there for me. Every day, he showed up, and got me back on the ice. He was and has been my best friend forever. Back then, I wanted you so badly, but you were a line he drew in the sand, and I took that seriously. Call it respect, or foolishness, maybe, for choosing loyalty over feelings. But know this, Erika, from across the rink, in any room we’re in, every goal I scored when I played for the Eagles, and right up to now, anywhere you are, I feel you, righthere.” He places his hand over his heart. “And right here.” He taps his temple again to emphasize his point.
My mouth drops open in astonishment, and my body hums, buzzing with excitement and the intensity of our conversation; each syllable from his mouth soothing me, like liquid balm for my soul.
He continues speaking his declaration of love, “I’ve memorized every little thing about you and any moment we share because encounters and memories are all I’ve been allowed. When I’m not with you, I can close my eyes and clearly see every freckle and hear your laughter. That’s what I’ve been doing for years, and that was always enough for me because it had to be. So, call me a coward all you want, but choosing not to act on my feelings was the only way I knew how to keep all the things I valued the most intact.”
Motionless, mouth agape, my brain struggles to make my mouth work, so I’m forced to stay quiet and let his confession percolate, while he steps in and keeps saying things I can’t keep up with.
“So when Ash told me that he was okay for me to tell you how I feel, I took some risks, getting closer to you more than usual, hugging you tighter, confessing a bit about what I want.”
He’s been holding everything in like an unbreakable dam. Then he smashed it to pieces, his words spilling out, and he’s finally admitting his deepest thoughts about me, ones he’s hadfor years.
I clearly haven’t been paying close enough attention.
I hesitate before asking, “But there was Gigi?”
He shakes his head with a deep sigh. “I stupidly thought she would help me to get over you.”
“It didn’t work,” I state, knowing what I do now: I dated Huck for the same reasons.
For what feels like an hour but is really just seconds, we sit silently, exchanging glances as the clatter and bangs blend with the quiet chatter of Leon’s parents, who seem to be tidying up the kitchen.
“What are you thinking?” Leon asks, swallowing loudly, his shoulders rigid with tension.
