ONE
CASEN
I climb every step of the ten floors in Ian’s building, avoiding the elevator so I have more time to compose myself before seeing everyone. I went home, throwing the contents of the envelope everywhere, and took a moment before heading this way. I know today is going to take a toll on all of us, and I don’t want to face that any sooner than I have to. I’m sure the added weight of Embyr’s betrayal is written all over my face. I need to keep my focus on being there for Ian’s family and not let what she did compound everything else. Like at Embyr’s condo, my shoes feel as though they carry twenty extra pounds each.
I arrive later than I said I would and when I reach Ian’s floor, I find that his door is partially open. Soft cries can be heard coming from within. I take a deep breath and push my way inside, careful not to draw too much attention to myself. The door creaks, and the few that have already arrived look my way. All of their faces carry mutual somber expressions. His parents, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, are on the couch and a few people I don’t recognize are milling about. His dad’s eyes are overflowing with tears, and his silent sobs are shaking his body. It cuts me deep into my core. He’s always been a rock solid guy who rarely shows emotions. The weight of the situation makes him look ten years older than he really is with his graying brown hair mussed up in all directions. I can’t imagine how it feels to lose a son so suddenly and so violently.
“Casen.” Mrs. Smith exhales a tight breath before rising to her feet and opening her arms to me. I walk into them willingly, enveloping myself in her comfort while allowing her to cry on me. Soaking my shirt with the endless tears from losing her son.
“I just don’t understand.” She sobs.
My body starts to shake, and I can’t hold it in any longer. I allow every emotion I’ve suppressed to bleed out. I can no longer hold back the dam from opening up with the tears I’ve kept in for the past eight hours. Tears fall for the loss of Ian, and they fall for the loss of Embyr. “I don’t know, Mrs. Smith.” I draw her into me tighter. “I just don’t know.”
She takes her place next to Ian’s dad, and I sit on the coffee table in front of them. No one says a word but just being together is soothing. I feel as though I’m supposed to be doing a better job of comforting them but I don’t know how. Despite my best effort, I can’t keep my thoughts straight.
“Casen, do you mind grabbing me some water?” Ian’s mom asks of me.
I get up and fill two glasses before bringing them over, setting them down just as Ian’s phone rings on the coffee table. It sets off a chain reaction as Mrs. Smith loses all control and slides down to the floor. His dad leans down, enveloping her into his arms and combining his misery with hers.
I leave the glasses on the table and give them their privacy, picking up the phone and shutting it off. Surprised the police didn’t confiscate it, I place it in a basket on top of the kitchen counter for safe keeping. I lean my hands on top of the cold marble, dropping my head and praying to God to help this family through their grieving.
An hour later, Ian’s apartment starts to overflow with friends and family. Most carry food in with them, hoping it will comfort his parents. I look around saddened that it wasn’t too long ago that this place was crowded with some of the same people. We blasted music, drank, and laughed while we were celebrating his life. Now we come together to weep and mourn his death.
Reece arrives and through the sea of people points toward the patio. When I step outside I realize I should have come out sooner. It’s void of anyone but the two of us. I’m grateful for the reprieve from the soundtrack of anguish, if only for a moment. I thank him when he hands me a cup of Starbucks coffee and we stare out toward the city. The sounds of traffic and the people below are ignorant to the heartache looming above them. It seems crazy that people are still living their lives while I feel like mine is crumbling.
“I called the Captain.” Reece finally speaks, his voice fading out with each word. “He said to take as much time as we need.” I watch his handshake as he takes a sip of his coffee.
“Who is going to cover us?”
He takes a deep breath. “He said not to worry about it but if it’s longer than three days, we need to take an official leave.”
I nod, wondering how Reece can seem so unaffected when we just lost our best friend. We’ve both known Ian since grade school. Reece and Ian were closer than any of us, but then again, Reece didn’t also have his heart ripped out of his chest and dragged through the streets of Chicago by the woman he loves. Used to love. Maybe that’s why it seems like my world is crumbling.
“Have you told Embyr?” he asks.
Hearing her name out loud makes me physically ill. My stomach constricts, and I’m trying to keep the bile from rising in my throat.
“Yes,” I respond curtly, but I choose not to elaborate. I can’t lie to Reece and right now I really don’t want to tell him who Embyr actually is. I know him. He’ll ask way too many questions that I either won’t know the answer to or don’t want to think about at the moment. I just need to mourn the loss of my best friend and try to forget that I ever met Embyr. Or Annie. Whatever her fucking name is.
Seeming to get the hint, he changes the subject. “You look like shit.”
I take in his head to toe appearance. Where I could use a stick of deodorant, he looks as though he just jumped out of the shower. He’s recently used a razor where I have some day old scruff going on. I feel drained and defeated, but him…
“Fuck you, asshole.” I shove my elbow into his arm, careful not to spill any coffee. “Sorry I don’t look like I was on the cover of GQ hours after losing my friend.”
Reece’s head drops and shakes from side to side. “I just needed to feel normal for a minute. Wash everything away.”
I directed a hardened stare at him. “Nothing about today is normal, Reece. I don’t think we’ll ever feel normal again.”
The sliding glass door opens and Ian’s sister, Kate, peers through the opening. Her face is splotchy and swollen. I set my coffee on the patio table and walk over, widening the door and pulling her through it and into my arms. She must have just arrived since I hadn’t spotted her before we came out there. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen little Kate. After high school, she went to the University of Michigan and ended up finding a job in the northern suburb of Lake Forest. I’m in awe at how much she has matured since the last time we hung out. Her soft body molds to mine gently. A floral scent infiltrates my senses and calms me. “I’m so sorry, Kate.”
She hiccups a sob and burrows herself into my shoulder. I hold her not nearly long enough before Reece clears his throat from behind us. She hastily releases me and wraps her arms around him for a quick hug.
A few rogue tears stray and she brushes them away with her fingers before using her light purple, long sleeve shirt to wipe underneath her nose. With a sniffle, she points back toward the apartment. “The police are here. We have to leave.”
“What?” Reece and I both say simultaneously while walking back toward the patio door.
Arriving inside we find uniformed officers going over a piece of paper with Ian’s mom. Her face is laced with fear as she holds it out toward us. “They don’t think it was random.” She cries. “They think it was someone he knew.”
