“What?” Zane sounded outraged.
“Grayson does not approve of me,” she explained, her gaze still resolutely fixed straight ahead.
“Grayson’s a fucking idiot,” Zane growled.
No argument there. “I wasn’t embarrassed.”
Haven tilted her head and deigned to give me a smidgen of her actual attention. “Oh, really? You could have fooled me.”
“Grayson—”
“What does Grayson have to do with you kissing Haven?” Zane frowned. “Which one are you?”
Would she be mad if I stabbed him through the heart? Probably. But it might be worth it. No, not when I was trying to earn her forgiveness. “Pierce. My name is Pierce.”
A bitter smile graced Haven’s lips. Gone so fast I might have imagined it. “Grayson is their leader. He makes the rules.”
I felt myself getting defensive, falling back into old patterns. It was easier to explain away our actions than facethe truth—we’d been charged with protecting the people of Legacia. We were supposed to be guards—it was in our fucking name—and we hadn’t guarded her. “I wish I could make you understand … Grayson follows the rules. He has to.”
“There’s a rule about kissing? It’s okay to fuck a shield but not care for one?” She scanned the branches above us as if she expected the dragons to return (at some point—soon—we needed to talk about those dragons). “Grayson doesn’t like women.”
I choked on my spit. “Yes, he does.”
“No, he doesn’t. His mother took his little sister and left his abusive father. Grayson holds that against all women.” She pulled her braid over her shoulder. “He should blame his father.”
She wasn’t entirely wrong. “You’ve oversimplified. And Grayson does like women.”
“He might like fucking them, but he doesn’t like them. He doesn’t respect them. He doesn’t see their value as people. None of you do.”
That might have once been true, but meeting her had changed me. I’d found women weak and needy. Haven was strong and independent. She protected those around her, even those who’d wronged her. Even the guards who’d failed her. She was a better woman than I was a man. I couldn’t tell her that. It wasn’t enough to convince her. Also, I suspected that since my change of heart only applied to her, she wouldn’t be impressed.
A realization hit me like a physical blow—I hadn’t really changed at all. I’d simply made an exception for one woman. Her. If I met another shield tomorrow, one who wasn’t bound to me by fate, would I treat her any differently than I had Haven? The honest answer would not please her.
“How do you know about Grayson’s family?” Even as thewords left my mouth, I knew I was deflecting again. Making it about Grayson’s issues instead of mine.
“I heard things when I was in my coma.”
What else had she heard?
A furrow formed between Zane’s brows. “You were in a coma?”
The wind picked up, swirling loose snow around us as Haven considered her answer. “Briefly.”
“What happened?”
She glanced at me, and I could feel the searing agony of each lash cutting into her back. Worse was imagining her terror upon waking up alone in the black-as-night pit as poison ate at her flesh. She held my gaze for long seconds before replying, “It’s not worth talking about.”
“Haven.” He didn’t like her answer.
She leaned over and patted his thigh. “I’m fine. Please, let’s drop it. Besides, it taught me an important lesson: Never trust your enemies.”
I flinched, remembering my own words when I’d broken her rib. She was right. I’d acted like her enemy. The weight of my sins pressed down on my chest until I could barely breathe.
No wonder she didn’t trust me. And this conversation wasn’t helping my case. I was making excuses instead of taking responsibility. Still trying to justify the unjustifiable instead of simply admitting the horrid truth—I’d been a coward and a bully who’d failed her repeatedly.
I forced my gaze away from her face, and a flash of brilliant red caught my eye. A cardinal perched on a snow-laden branch, its vibrant plumage a stark contrast to the white landscape and dark trees. Even in this desolate winter, there was still beauty. Still hope.
“I’m sorry.” For once, I wasn’t calculating how my words would land or what they might accomplish. “For everything except kissing you.”
