“No, this is fantastic. It’s the first sign that your brain is getting ready to bring the memory of the accident to the surface. We never know why the recall starts when it does, but with you, my guess would be that you’re starting to feel safe in your relationship with Landon. Finally giving your brain space to feel scared, because you trust him to protect you from any danger.” Meara allows me to sit in the silence of this thought for a few minutes as I work through the emotions of what just happened. And I think she might be right about Landon.
Landon and I are so close to each other now, and our relationship is in a really good place. We still haven’t worked out yet what happens when I’m fit to go back to work, but we agreed to just enjoy where we’re at now. We’ll worry aboutthe possibility of me going back to Rochester, if and when it happens.
I take another large mouthful of water, because my mouth feels so dry and a bit like it did back in the hospital after the smoke inhalation. Which is crazy because I wasn’t in the fire just now, only remembering being there, but I’ve learned your brain can do crazy things.
“What happens now? How do I get the rest of the chaos and shit out of my brain so I can remember everything, to see what happened in the fire instead of just hearing it?” Now I’m getting impatient, which is nothing unusual for me.
“We just sit back and wait to see what happens, if the memory is ready to come forward on its own, then it will. And if not, I think we might be at a place where we can try some hypnotherapy to coax the memory out. You’re much stronger emotionally than when you first started seeing me. Especially with everything you’ve been dealing with since you came home. But we can’t rush a regression. We still have to give it time. Otherwise, we run the risk of burying the memory further down again.”
“Ughhh, this sucks! If I could just remember, then I could get rid of this drama and go back to living a normal life. I would be able to work out if I can ever go back to being a firefighter again,” I snap at Meara out of pure frustration, and then I look down at my hands that are clasped tightly together in my lap.
“Is that the goal, to go back to work in your firehouse in Rochester, with your crew?”
I flick my head up and glare at her. “I don’t fucking know, but that’s the problem. There is something not right in that firehouse now, and I have no fucking clue what it is. Plus, now I have the issue of Landon, the boys, and my mom who all want me here in Boston. Then throw in Tessa. I just can’t see how it’s all going to work,” I bark at her.
“I didn’t ask whattheyall want. I asked whatyouwant, Poppy.” Meara calmly pushes me that little further, and I want to tell her to shut the fuck up, but I can’t.
“I don’t know,” I whimper as I drop my head in my hands. “I truly don’t know, and that’s the problem.”
I feel so raw. There are no tears, but just a sense of heartache knowing that I need to make some big decisions soon, and I’m not sure I’m ready to make them.
“And finally, we get there. Great work, Poppy. We’ve made huge leaps forward today. I’m proud of you.” Meara stands and comes to sit next to me, which she’s never done before. I lift my head to look at her and find her smiling at me. I just yelled at her, and she’s grinning like she won a prize.
“I know that revelation was hard, but you’ll understand soon what a huge breakthrough you’ve made. Now, we have ten minutes before Tessa gets here. Do you feel like you have enough left in the tank to see her? We can easily reschedule. I don’t want you pushed past your limit. We still need to take care of your mental load.” She lets me think it over.
“No, I need to do this. Plus, I don’t want to disappoint Tessa. I’ve put her off long enough. It’s only fair we keep the appointment,” I reply to Meara’s question. Although, I’m not convinced I do have enough strength to get through it, but I need to try, for both Tessa and for me.
I’m sick of feeling weak every time I have a hard situation come up. I’m taking back my life, one obstacle at a time.
“Okay, so now that we’ve managed some of the small talk, I think we should start with you each taking a turn asking a question of the other. Maybe on what you want to know about each other’slives. If it’s not something you feel comfortable sharing, you can say pass and we’ll move on.” Meara glances between Tessa and me. I’m still sitting on the couch, and Meara has placed two chairs in front of me so we’re in a small circle.
“Poppy, would you like to go first?” I know Meara is not really giving me a choice and that the nods she gives me is more of an instruction than an option. It’s an obvious sign that she thinks I should be the one to break the ice. Some days I love and hate Meara all in one session.
“Um, okay. There’s something I’ve always wished to know, and it’s something that has always made me feel like I was different from the rest of the world.” I take a breath because this is something I had given up on ever knowing a long time ago. “What is my actual date of birth? Not the one that social services decided on and entered into the system to produce my birth certificate for me.”
“Oh, I never thought about that.” Tessa gently nods her head up and down as she thinks about what I’ve asked. “I didn’t give you up straight away. I tried to take care of you, stole some bottles and formula, but I was a mess. So, I knew that I had to get you somewhere safe so you would survive. It was in the depths of winter, so icy cold, and all the department stores and buildings I would hang out in to stay warm were about to close for a few days over the Christmas break. So, I took you to the firehouse on the twenty-third of December, but you were actually born on the fifteenth of December.” I can see the pain on Tessa’s face as she says it, her lips quivering as she scrunches her eyes closed for a few seconds. I wonder if she’s being taken back in her mind to her memories of those few days.
I just nod as I say the wordsborn on the fifteenth of Decemberover and over in my head, not the twenty-third like I’ve always celebrated.
I finally have my place in the universe, another piece of the puzzle that makes up my life.
“Tessa?” Meara asks, gently prompting her to ask me something.
“Do you like the name Poppy?” Tessa asks. “Because I called you Mackenzie when you were born, but I wanted to give whoever became your parents the chance to name you, so I didn’t put that on the note I left with you.”
I don’t know why but that hurts me a little. I wish she had put the name she gave me and the date of my birth on that note. Two things that would’ve made me feel like I knew who I was growing up. So, I just answer simply because I don’t want to talk about how upset I am right now.
“I love the name Poppy, that’s my name,” I reply, plain and simple.
Meara jumps straight in, knowing by my tone of voice that I don’t want to talk any more about it.
“Okay, Poppy, your turn for a question.”
Trying not to let the last few minutes of deep emotional realization derail me, I take a deep breath while I shuffle in my seat and sit up a bit straighter again, giving my lungs room to fill up. Slowly letting it out, I feel a little calmer.
“I know it’ll take a long while to learn what has happened over the last thirty years of our lives. But can you tell me, have you ever been married or been in a long-term or serious relationship, and if so, why have you never had any other children?” I know that’s a big question, but it’s something I really want to know.
“It took me probably ten years to work through my addiction and get my life sorted. Through the help of a women’s shelter, I managed to get a job working in a bakery, behind the counter, just serving customers all day. I needed to keep busy, so then I also did some waitressing at night. I tried saving money so Icould improve my living conditions and managed to move from a shelter to a single room in a shared apartment that the shelter owned, but it was like a stepping stone for the women they helped. Finally, I was able to move into a couple of different shared apartments along the way to keep the costs down. I’ve never left Boston, I’ve always been here, just in case you tried to find me.” Tessa looks at me, her eyes shining with hope in her eyes that we’re fostering a future relationship with each other. I mean, it’s not like I had any way of ever looking for her. Because the authorities didn’t look for her back when she surrendered me, which is the idea of the safe haven box, so I wouldn’t have had any chance later in life when so much time had passed.
