At the same time, Kade is already yelling. “Haha, Nash, pick up the card.” Kade is almost climbing on the table he’s so excited. Mom calmly places her hand on the back of his shirt and pulls him gently back into his seat, whispering to him to sit down on the chair. I think she’s had to do that at least ten times since we started.
Nash looks a little sad, but the moment he sees the card, his face lights up. I’m guessing he just found his tiger. Throwing his arm above his head, he pulls it down in victory, hissing, “Yessss!”
“Oh, look, boys, there’s only one card left, I wonder who’s going to have to pick it up,” Mom announces to the table.
“Your turn, Granny B,” Nash reminds her.
“Okay, now let me see, what do I need?” She holds a finger up to her lips like she’s thinking hard, then looks across to me as I try to mouth the word turtle to her without the boys seeing. She nods subtly at me and then asks, “Poppy, do you have a turtle?” She has the most innocent look on her face. Who would’ve thought my mother was so good cheating at cards.
“Go fish,” I reply, and Mom gently hits her forehead with her hand.
“Oh no, looks like the last card is mine.” She reaches forward and pulls it toward her.
“Who wins, who wins?” Kade starts calling out as he lays out his cards on the table. Not a single pair is together and half of the cards are upside down. The total opposite to Nash beside me. His are all in order, pairs together, as he lays them neatly on the table in one single row. He might be two years older than Kade, but it would make no difference. That’s just their personalities.
I often wonder when I watch them playing, what Lucinda was like. I can see Landon’s seriousness in Nash and their shared need for order in their surroundings. Although, as I’ve gotten to know Landon, he’s allowing me to see more of his cheekiness. He also has this playful, though sometimes a little weird, sense of humor too, which I can’t resist. Was Lucinda the balance Landon needed to his seriousness, more lighthearted and carefree in her nature? Full of energy with a silly sense of humor maybe? Does Kade take after her? Hopefully one day Landon will feel he’s at a place he can talk to me about her without it feeling awkward.
My mind slips to thinking about Landon, which isn’t unusual. He occupies my thoughts constantly. I try not to show on my face what I’m thinking right now, though, that the part of Landon I love the most is when it’s just us. That wicked part of his personality. Because Landon is at his hottest when hisintensity combines with his playfulness, making sparks fly, and I’m totally at his mercy. Happily.
“Wow, look at that, this time Nash is the winner. You’re both so clever, winning a game each. Poppy and I will have to get better, won’t we.” Mom’s voice pulls my concentration back into the room.
“Maybe I need to learn some pointers from you both,” I declare, which has Nash reaching for my hand and talking quietly for just me to hear.
“I’ll teach you, Poppy. I’ll hold your hand so you don’t feel sad because you keep losing.” And that right there is Landon’s beautiful soft caring nature coming out in his son.
Oh, Nash, you make my heart melt, just like your father does.
“Thank you, my sweet boy. That would be lovely.” Kade is too busy discussing with Mom the pairs of animal cards he has and what his favorites are, telling her we should have cards with spaceships and planets on them, that it would be way cooler than animals. I’ll have to search online later to see if I can find a pack like that just for him. And if I can’t, maybe I can find a printer who will do one with dinosaurs for Nash and another with all things space for Kade.
Mom’s phone alarm starts chiming on the table.
“Right, it’s time for me to go and pick up our pizzas. I won’t be long. I’ll also grab the milk and bread I forgot today.” She’s also getting some ice cream as a surprise for the boys. We’ve all got the results of the DNA test on our minds at the moment, and I can tell it’s taking more of a toll on Mom than she’s letting on.
She was in full support of me meeting my biological mother, but I’m sure she’s nervous that it might change our relationship in some way, as much as I reassured her it will never change who she is to me. She’s my mom, end of story. This other woman, Tessa, may become part of my life, but she will never be my mom. She gave up that right a long time ago, whether by choiceor not, and I don’t hold it against her, but she can’t change the past. She wasn’t here to rock me to sleep in the middle of the night as a baby. To kiss every boo-boo when I fell over or to encourage me to try new things as I grew up. She didn’t have to sit me down and explain the birds and the bees, teach me about periods or how important protection was if I had sex. Do the hard things like watch me jump for joy when I got accepted into the fire academy, when on the inside all she felt was fear, knowing I was about to embark on a career that had taken the man she loved more than life itself from her. Or help me pack my bags to move away from her to another state, only to get the phone call, one day, that I’d been trapped under a burning roof and was in the hospital.
Alice Bertrum will always be my mom, until the day I die.
The role Tessa will play in my life, only time will tell, but it just won’t be that one.
After Mom left to get the pizza, the boys and I set the table, and now we’re sitting in the living room reading some books while we wait. I could’ve put the television on, but I need to keep my mind busy.
After the day I’ve had, I don’t really feel very hungry. Felix will be happy because it means there will be plenty left for him by the time he gets here tonight. I’ll try to eat at least one piece of pizza, though, otherwise Mom will kindly point it out loudly enough for Landon to hear, and then he’ll be on my case.
He didn’t look great when he dropped the boys off tonight on his way to work. The worry lines on his forehead seem to be increasing, and he’s trying to hide how stressed he is when he looks at me. But tonight, he failed at that. I hate that he’s wrapped up in my drama again. It’s what I was trying to avoid, after I had him racing to Rochester to rescue me. I’ve been working with my therapist to be able to handle life’s road bumps on my own more going forward. But there was no way Landonwas walking away. Deep down I knew that he wouldn’t, and it might have actually broken me if he had.
I’ve talked at length with Meara about this, and it seems my fear of attachment started long before I met Landon. We haven’t pulled it all out of my deep thoughts yet, which she told me is okay. Because I’m a work-in-progress, and it will all happen in good time. She makes me laugh sometimes. Even though she can be direct, she also has the driest sense of humor. Last week the first question she asked when I sat down in her office was if I’d played the fuck-buddy card again this week. That broke the ice straight away, and then we moved on to where my feelings for Landon were at, and how I need to give myself permission to love and be with him. She thinks I’m torn between feeling like I’m not good enough for him, which stems from Dean’s constant need to look elsewhere for a better option than me. That it has me worrying I’m going to let Landon and the boys down by not being the mother and partner they need. But the flip side to that are the abandonment issues I didn’t know I even had from my biological parents, combined with a little part of me who has always felt sad for my mom. She loved my dad so hard, but he left her through no choice of his own. In childhood-Poppy’s brain, I didn’t want to be hurt like that, or do that to someone else either. I work in a dangerous job. I would never want to put Landon and the boys through losing someone they love for a second time.
The biggest thing I’ve learned since I met Meara is that I’m one complex woman.
I wonder if the fire department would be happy to be paying for all these sessions if they knew what we discussed. That the trauma from the fire is only a portion of the problems I’m currently dealing with in my fucked-up life.
“Poppy, you missed the bit about the grumpy wizard,” Kade pipes up from next to me.
I quickly try to cover up that my mind wasn’t on the job at hand.
“I was just testing you, to see if you were paying attention. So good job, Kade. Gold star for you today with trying hard to sit and concentrate.” He looks so proud of himself, and I’ve managed not to look like I’m losing it. It’s great that he was listening so intently, but also, the annoying thing is that he knows this story back to front, so I can’t get away with anything. I remember when I was their temporary nanny and tried to shorten a story one night because I was tired. They were straight onto me, calling me out. I learned very quickly never to try that one again.
Taking a deep breath, I read on.
