“Nothing like making a grand entrance.” He laughs as he turns, and we all head into the big open-plan kitchen and family room. I see the picture with the fractured glass leaning against the wall where it’s normally hanging.
“I had to remind you that I’m the favorite and the excitement of your arrivals in this house aren’t as big as mine,” I say. Nash is still hovering close by, but Kade is already back over at the Lego he was obviously building before I arrived. It hasn’t stopped him from talking, he’s just now yelling his stories across the room instead.
“Ughh, so high school,” Felix replies in a high-pitched voice, carrying on like a teenager.
Rolling my eyes at him, I reach for the fridge door, open it, and grab two beers. Holding one out to Felix makes him smirk at me.
“The day went that well?” he asks as we both twist off the lids on our beers.
“Oh, not even close. It was a top-shelf whiskey kind of day, but if I start that kind of drinking this early, things will get very messy.” I place my hand on Nash’s shoulder and guide him toward the family room to join his brother. “What are you both building?” I ask Nash, to encourage him to go back and play with his brother as I sit down on the couch next to the coffee table where Kade is trying to create his masterpiece.
“I’m building a spaceship to fly to the moon,” Kade quickly pipes up as he smiles at me, proud of his project so far.
“Mine is a new house big enough that Mrs. B and Poppy can come and live with us. Then we can hold her hand when she’s scared.” Nash pauses for a moment. “And she can hold mine sometimes too.” His sentence trails off into a mumble. I think I need to spend some one-on-one time with Nash over the next few days to reassure him that both Poppy and I are okay, because the insecurities he had after Lucinda died are starting to resurface. His fear of losing me too was big, and we had to work through it with a children’s grief counselor. Poppy getting hurt and me disappearing has made him worry, so I need to help him through that.
“They both look awesome,” I reply without acknowledging his wish to have Poppy with us. Taking another sip of my beer, I close my eyes for a split second and imagine her living here too. But we’re a long way from even talking about things like that. I don’t even know how she feels about me. We’ve spent the last few days so close, and she’s been affectionate and letting mecare for her, more than a friend would. But is it just because she needed someone and I was there? She obviously had no one else to call in Rochester. All these doubts are starting to creep in, but I need to shake them off.
Poppy needs some space, and I need to concentrate on my boys.
Being apart now will give her time to clear her thoughts and start to heal, which is her main priority right now. I need to step back. Let Mrs. B take over Poppy’s care. I took that away from her by being the one at the hospital, and as a parent, I know how much she must have been hurting. So as hard as it is to walk away from Poppy, I know it’s the right thing to do. At least for a little while, anyway.
When you’ve been with someone twenty-four hours a day, there is no chance to breathe. Even when we argued, she couldn’t escape me. I was damned if I was going to leave that room while she was annoyed with me. I wanted Poppy to see that she can push back at me, but her strong will won’t push me away for long. I’m learning how stubborn she can be, but she’s got no idea what she’s up against with me. Adrian is always complaining about what a pain in his ass I am. Mainly because I won’t agree with him on everything. But if my stubbornness is what keeps her safe and gets her through this accident, then I’m bringing my A-game.
While the kids are talking between themselves, I’m still thinking about everything that happened in Rochester. And that’s why I know I need to continue to protect Poppy, even as just her friend. I just don’t know what danger it is that I need to protect her from. Is it from whatever happened with Dean, or from herself when she finally remembers what happened in that fire? Because my gut tells me there is far more to that accident than they’re telling Poppy. And although she won’t admit it to herself, Poppy’s panic attack the moment she saw her crew gaveit away. It showed me that her gut is telling her the same thing mine is.
“Dad!” Kade yelling my name quickly snaps me out of my thoughts.
“Yes, Kade, I’m right here, you don’t have to yell.” I try to reply softly so he turns the volume down on his voice.
“But you weren’t listening to me.” His face is tilted to the side, and he’s looking a little confused at my reply.
“Sorry, buddy, Dad’s a bit tired. What did you say?” I ask, lifting my beer bottle to my lips.
“Can we go and see Poppy now? I want to draw on her leg. I’ve been practicing writing my name.” He stands in front of me with a marker in his hand, ready to go.
“That’s great, I’m sure Poppy will be excited to see it. But she’s asleep now, the plane trip home made her tired. I’ll take you over tomorrow. You can show me how good you’ve gotten at writing your name instead.” But as he pulls the lid off the marker and starts moving his hand to my blue jeans, I lunge to grab him.
“Whoa, not on my leg. Paper, Kade, on paper.” I look at his confused face as Felix jumps up from the couch, grabbing some blank paper from their craft shelf.
Kade just shrugs and moves back to the table to start writing.
Felix ended up staying for dinner and another beer. He guessed I’d be exhausted by the time I got home, so had cooked a lasagna we could just heat it up. It hit the spot perfectly. Once we were done, Felix helped me clean up and then left for the night.
Then after reading four stories about dinosaurs and Kade’s favorite book on being an astronaut, the boys are finally fast asleep. Now I’m standing in the quiet of my shower, the waterbeating down hard on my back as I let it wash away the last few days. Not just the dirt and sweat from traveling today. I’ve felt gross since I arrived in Rochester. Those showers in the gym were shit, but enough to keep me from smelling terrible. I might not have felt clean for days, but I needed this shower for more than the dirt. The longer I stand here leaning my forearm on the tiles, the more my head starts to hang forward with emotional exhaustion. The stress and fear the moment I received that call from Poppy turned my muscles to rock, and now the warm water of the shower is easing my tension, and I can feel them gradually start to loosen a little.
I had convinced myself at Christmas that Lucinda had in some way sent Poppy to me to open my eyes. To help me live my life again. Find happiness for me and the boys.
But there’s no way she would’ve made me go through the heartache that the last few days brought me. A panicked phone call that made me feel like I was losing someone I’ve got deep feelings for. It put me right back in that time again, of being so helpless. It totally wrecked me, and Lucinda could never be that cruel.
Or maybe she’s up there laughing at me right now because she knew she needed to do something drastic to get me to wake up. Poppy had brought light to my world, but I was starting to let the dark creep back in. I never would’ve chased Poppy to Rochester to try to convince her to come back to Boston. And Lucinda would’ve known that. Hell, Poppy practically had to throw herself at me that night I finally gave in to my desire and kissed her in my living room.
“I get the message, Lucinda,” I mumble. “You chose her for the boys and me. Good choice, but I just don’t know how to make this work.” My mind is racing with so many thoughts.
Shaking my head, I mumble to myself, “You’re talking to your dead wife. That’s fucked up, man.”
And without warning, tears start to stream down my face and mix with the water. I can’t stop them. And what started as gentle tears turns to sobbing.
Hard.
